Spud Muffin (noun) \spuhd muhf-in\ — A man who exudes sex appeal with excessive weight around his middle, typically put on by eating too many potato-based foods.
Example: As soon as the UPS guy entered the office, flashing her a smile and sporting a Pilsbury Doughboy physique, Deborah finally understood the appeal of the spud muffin and her Fallopian tubes quivered in anticipation of bearing him a baker’s dozen of mini-muffins.
Can you use spud muffin in a sentence?
Jessie Rhinehardt, 35, was taken into custody Friday after an Avon representative managed to enter her home and found Rhinehardt’s children, Teddy, Tammi, and Terri, along with the dog, Toto, preserved in industrial shellac.
““I was shocked, to say the least, when I saw those kids,” said Patsy Parker, a seasoned Avon representative known to never take no for an answer. “However, they were preserved well and absolutely adorable, even though their little faces were contorted in terror, which just proves my mother was right about faces freezing that way.”
When asked why she shellaced her children, Rhinehardt said, “My kids are just so precious to me and I didn’t want them to grow up, so I decided to do something to do something about it–unlike my husband.”
Rhinehardt’s husband, Phil, 38, a salesman for promotional, reusable ice cubes, disappeared a year ago. Rhinehardt claimed she has no idea where her husband is, as she glanced out at the swimming pool she purchased with the insurance money after he was legally declared dead. Wistfully, she said, “I wish it had occurred to me to shellac him before all the love died between us.”
Rhinehardt is currently being held without bail, and her children have been moved to the evidence room in lieu of child protective services, since their protective coating should be protection enough.
I’m not sure whether it’s due to sleep deprivation or the early onset of dementia, but I’ve caught myself talking to other people about a plethora of topics of which I know nothing. To hear me speak, one would think I’m an expert witness for the subject du jour; in reality, I have no idea.
I don’t mean to mislead others, but in my enthusiasm to be helpful, I often start sharing information and opinions as if they were verified and true. For example, the other day I was in line at the grocery store, trying to sort out why the celebrities without makeup featured on the scandal sheets were celebrities, when I heard the woman standing behind me say to another woman, “I don’t even understand how Billy would even become a woman! What are they going to do? Cut his talleywhacker off?”
Before I could stop myself, I turned to her and said, “Actually, it’s called a penectomy. The surgeon, basically, removes the testes and penis, but inverts the skin of the foreskin and penis to shape a fully sensitive vagina and clitoris.”
Both women blinked at me. I worried I might have been presumptuous by inviting myself into their conversation, when she teared up and said, “God must have sent you to me to tell me that, you angel.”
““Well, I don’t know about that.” Realizing I might have gotten myself in deeper than I should have, I pushed my items closer to the cashier, so as not to waste any time.
““I just don’t understand how my grandson, Billy, could feel like he’s a girl born in a boy’s body. He’s six-foot-four and weighs 220 pounds and played high school football.”
I smiled. “It happens in the best of families,” I said, motioning to the cashier with my head to scan my protein bars faster.
““Have you been through a penectomy, yourself?” the woman asked.
““No, no, no, I’m still very much in tact.” I slid my debit card through the credit card reader so fast it sparked. “You know, if you just google transgender support groups in Atlanta, I’m sure more knowledgable resources will come up.” I grabbed my bags and ran out the door.
Back in my car, I wracked my brain, trying to remember where I’d ever heard of a penectomy, then recalled I probably remembered it from the Brian De Palma film Dressed to Kill, which I had seen on cable as a teenager. I promised myself I would never try to be helpful and give information to others like I was an expert witness.
Since that time, I’ve shared information about hamster allergies, prostate massage for better health, practical uses for buffalo dung, implements of torture and execution in 15th century France, the secret formula for Coca-Cola, and why the character of Dana Scully on The X-Files is so popular with lesbians. Clearly, I’m out of control, so don’t listen to me if I offer to give you advice on to make the perfect barbecue sauce with peanut butter.
Jennifer Rush released “The Power of Love” on June 14, 1985, twenty-eight years ago today. The charted at #7 in Germany and topped the U.K. Singles Chart; however, it peaked at only #57 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. (Singer Laura Branigan recorded and released a version of the song, “Power of Love,” in 1987, which managed to climb to #26 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100.)
Born Heidi Stern in New York City, Rush grew up in New York and Germany. She changed her name to Jennifer Rush at the insistence of CBS (Frankfurt), as they felt Heidi Stern did not sound international enough.
Rush co-wrote “The Power of Love” with her German record producers, Gunther Mende and Candy DeRouge, along with Mary Susan Applegate.
After hearing Rush sing at a record convention in Hawaii, CBS Records London Chief Paul Russell, he decided to release the single in the U.K. The record initially stalled at #97. The record company deleted the disc in hopes of building momentum for the single and re-released it in September. “The Power of Love” charted at #36, so Rush was able to perform the song on Top of the Pops. The record continued to climb the chart, eventually reaching #1 and staying there for five weeks, and was the biggest selling single in the U.K. for 1985. Rush has sold over one million copies of “The Power of Love.” A remixed version was released a year later.
Versions
The Power of Love [Radio Edit] 4’54
The Power of Love [Remix] 4’20
The Power of Love [Album Version] 6’00
The Power of Love [International Album Version] 5’45
The Power of Love [Extended Remix] 7’10
The Power of Love [Orchestral Remix] 6’00
Music Video
The music video for “The Power of Love” follows Jennifer Rush as she sings and walks around New York City. (She also rides a freight elevator and sings, as well as singing while wearing sunglasses.) Meanwhile, we see her man in a subplot of being the family man and in trouble with some thugs who try to rough him up. The music video was filmed with the intention of breaking the song in the U.S. market.
Memories
I can remember seeing the record sleeve for “The Power of Love” by Jennifer Rush in the bins at Sound Warehouse, but I never heard her version of the song until years later. I recall being most surprised by her classical pop style, which doesn’t seem unusual once you learn her father was an opera singer. I was never a fan of Celine Dion’s version from 1994, as it seemed overproduced to me, but I like Rush’s version.
What are your memories of “The Power of Love” by Jennifer Rush?
I like my neighborhood. It’s a mish-mash of diverse people. Of course, the proof in the pudding is what comes out the mouths of their babes. Read what some of the kids in my neighborhood have said within earshot of me over the past 13 years:
01. “Dad, can I get a tattoo when I graduate from kindergarten, or do I have to be a little older?”
02. “Mommy said that when I was born, I ripped her vagina to shreds.”
03. “Is there gluten in this cookie? If there is, my mom is going to be really pissed.”
04. “I have two mommies, but they haven’t decided which one wears the pants yet.”
05. “I just want you to know my daddy said I’m not allowed to say @#%*.”
06. “Our dog can eat it’s own vomit. I bet your cat can’t do that.”
07. “When there’s only one popsicle left, I like to take a bite out of it and leave it in the freezer, so no one else gets it. Take it from me, you have to plan ahead.”
08. “If I was a Tyransaurus Rex, I would eat Jeremy Kramer. He’s this butthead at preschool.”
09. “Whenever mommy and daddy put on Sade, I know they’re getting their groove on after they send me to bed.”
10. “My dad is so cool. He didn’t even spank me when I accidentally yanked his nipple rings out while we were wrestling.”
11. “I think your cookie would be safer in my mouth-cave. Don’t you?”
12. “I keep praying to God to send someone to kidnap my little brother, but He keeps saying no.”
Snachoo (noun, verb, adjective) \sna-choo\ — An unexpected and badly timed sneeze that makes a dire situation worse
Example: After hiding from the velociraptor in the pantry, Judy’s peanut allergy resulted in a snachoo that gave her away and resulted in a nutritious lunch for the inexplicably non-extinct and carnivorous dinosaur.
Can you use snachoo in a sentence?
Dawn Dougles, 46, author of the popular Perky Puppy Mystery series about a narcoleptic Jack Russell Terrier, Dozer, who protects his owner, Dee Dee Travis, an insomniac and motivational speaker, from a new attractive necrophiliac/serial killer in her novels Pillow Stalk, Good Fright Kiss, and Nothing Really Mattress, among others.
Dozer and Dee Dee proved to be popular with readers and Douglas enjoyed topping the bestseller list and healthy sales until she was sidelined by a debilitating case of writer’s block after a scathing book report on her novel, Tired and True, by fourth-grader Emmett B. Johnson was faxed to her as a joke that fell flat.
““Dee Dee could never forget the last sentence in Emmett’s critique: This book sucks,” said friend and immobile slam poet, Skylark Merriweather, 51. “She could have handled constructive criticism about plot or characterization, but how does one improve upon such a nebulous remark?”
Douglas continued to sit for six hours per day, every day, in her writing studio, but never typed another word.
““Last fall, some mutual friends and I got together for a creative intervention and we presented her with some fun things to help her ease out of her rut,” said Merriweather. “I painted a large wooden block in bright colors and stenciled writer’s block on it, you know, to turn it into something tangible instead of this mysterious mental illness that had overtaken her.”
The creative intervention seemed to help and Douglas reported a few weeks ago she was outlining a new book, Commatose. However, on the morning of June 3, while performing jumping jacks in her studio, the vibrations from leaping up and down caused her writer’s block to fall from the bookcase where it sat and hit Douglas on the head, killing her instantly.
““It’s ironic how she died,” Merriweather said. “She was determined to finish another novel and said the only way writer’s block would keep her from publishing again is to kill her–and it did–but you have to admire her courage to never give up.”
Every once in a while, a certain theme seems to flow through my life. It’s often a question that seems to pop up again and again. Recently, I asked a co-worker what kids are going to remember about their younger years since they always seem to have their noses buried in SmartPhone, iPad, or laptop computer. “They basically come out of the womb suckling on a joystick,” 2Fs has said on more than one occasion.
I’ve had the opportunity to observe kids visiting historical sites and natural wonders, glancing up from their smartphones only to take a picture of what’s in front of them, if that. I’m sorry, but when you’re at the Grand Canyon, put down that iPhone and pay attention.
When I was a kid, we didn’t have smartphones that allowed us to communicate with others in 14 billion different ways, let alone play music and video games. We got together and went to movies or amusement parks or to the mall. We talked on the telephone and sent snail mail letters. Sometimes we got together and looked at one another while we talked and listened to one another. It worked and it was good for us and we liked it.
““What are kids going to remember when they look back in 20 years?” I asked my co-worker. “Remember that time you send me that text of when your cat threw up on your sister’s birthday cake? Do you remember that Facebook status update where you said you had a really good hair day? Remember that time you tweeted you would eat your own hair if you could kiss Justin Bieber just once?”
Last Sunday, the topic came up again when Susan Rebecca White mentioned it in her launch of her new novel, A Place at the Table. Then my friend Marissa and I discussed it when we went out for yogurt.
What memories do you think kids will have in 20 years?
American vocalist Laura Branigan relased “Self Control” in the Spring of 1984 and peaked at #5 on the U.K. Singles Chart and #4 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. The song was one of the most popular across Europe during the summer of 1984 and was the most successful single of the year in Switzerland.
“Self Control” had originally been recorded by Italian singer Raf, who had co-written the song in English with Giancarlo Bigazzi and Steve Piccolo. (Bigazzi had also co-written her earlier hit song, “Gloria,” back in 1982.) The song was produced by Harold Faltermeyer, who had been mentored by Giorgio Moroder.
Versions
Self Control [Edit] 3’50
Self Control [LP Version/Vocal]4’08
Self Control [Extended Version/Vocal Extended Version/12″ Version] 5’00
Laura Branigan Music Video
Raf Music Video
Music Video
The music video for “Self Control” was directed by Academy-Award Winner William Friedkin. MTV refused to play the video, due to it’s sexy nature, until after a minor cut had been made. Branigan resisted at first, but then her record company convinced her to do so, and the music video was in heavy rotation on MTV.
The storyline of “Self Control” involves Branigan awake while a male sleeps on his stomach in her bed. Branigan goes out and is stalked by a stranger in a mask and a trench coat. The mysterious stranger appears in the club where Branigan is dancing with other dancers. She follows the mysterious stranger downstairs and finds an orgy of ballet dancers wearing masks. Branigan returns to her apartment where the mysterious stranger and the dancers seduce her. After the sun comes up, Branigan returns to bed, only to find the men in her bed is the mysterious stranger, without a shirt, wearing a mask.
Memories
I had enjoyed Laura Branigan’s hit “Gloria” from two years earlier and really liked “Self Control,” too. I remember recording the music video on a VHS tape where I kept my favorite music videos. The video seemed kind of weird at the time
What are your memories of “Self Control” by Laura Branigan?
It’s not uncommon to hear something unusual come out of mouth, most often in normal conversation. However, this week seemed to be bumper crop of weird statements on my part.
01. “It’s a song I learned at Girl Scout camp.” (My mother was a Girl Scouts’ Day Camp volunteer, so I accompanied her there as a small child and I was explaining where I had learned the song.)
02. “Given a choice, I’d rather take my chances in the water with a Great White Shark than a Tiger Shark, because those Tigers are hungry all the time and will eat anything!” (Demonstrating my vast knowledge of marine apex predators in a converasation with our printer account executive and his boss.)
03. “I think Hell Yeah: A Children’s Guide to Etiquette would be a great title for a bestselling children’s book.” (I was delirious from lack of sleep and still had an hour to go on my shift at the bookstore.)
04. “I would eat ice cream made with breast milk before I would try placenta; afterbirth just doesn’t sound appetizing.” (A co-worker and I went off on a tangent while discussing our nutrition policy.)
05. “I’d rather be hot than cold; however, I suppose you can always put another sweater on if you’re cold, but you can’t do anything about heat once you’ve stripped yourself naked.” (Thinking outloud while discussing the weather with another MARTA passenger.)
06. “I always thought people wore sweatbands around their head as a bad fashion decision, but you know what? They really do keep the sweat out of your eyes!” (Sharing my startling discovery with 2Fs after testing a sweatband on my head during a 55-minute plyo workout.)
07. “You can put strawberries in a lot of dishes, but I don’t think they belong in chili. Blech!” (Telling Jeff my insights on incorporating strawberries into recipes after a particularly restful meditation.)
08. “So I said, ‘It’s okay to think someone looks like a pedophile, but it’s something else entirely to say it to their face!’” (Telling a friend about an interaction between two customers I overheard at Target.)
09. “You know, you only meow at me when you want something.” (Responding to the cat after she waited until I was almost asleep before asking me to open the window, so she could sit on the sill and watch birds and squirrels.)
10. “My mom said she was ordering a special holster that attaches to her bra so she can start carrying her Saturday Night Special. Talk about packing heat!” (A friend asked how my mom was doing and I gave him an update from when I called her on Sunday night.)