The SlimSucker Swimsuit uses a space age, patented LipoLycra technology to use the body’s perspiration system to suck body fat from the hips and waist and push it up into the breasts, presenting a more busty figure.
““The SlimSucker is fantastic,” said Melanie Majors, 36, a paralegal, wife, and mother of three. “After the triplets ripped me to shreds during childbirth, I had a difficult time exercising, so I had a hard time losing that post-pregnancy weight. Thanks to the SlimSucker one-piece, I look like a super heroine drawn by a horny, thirteen-year-old boy and capable of breastfeeding an entire third world nation.”
The SlimSucker was designed by Theodore Reichen, 56, a biologist specializing in harmful parasites. “I was observing the Tichi Tichi in the Belgian Congo, a tiny parasite that digs into the flesh of a larger organism and uses a feeding tube to suck the life out of another creature.
““A few weeks later while vacationing with my family in Panama City, Florida and seeing just how many obese Americans were on the beach in Speedos and bikinis, I thought, why couldn’t the science of the Tichi Tichi be used to design a slimming swimsuit for larger folk?”
In addition to the lovely one-piece for women, the SlimSucker is also available in trunks for men. The LipoLycra technology has been modified to move the fat from the gut and push it down into a special codpiece, which inflates the ego as well as his junk.
““The SlimSucker trunks are awesome,” say Kenny Ortega, 27, part-time playa and owner of Between the Bunz. “It’s not only changed my physique, it’s changed my life. I cannot even walk down the beach without some babe giving me her digits. It’s also brought a lot of attention to my hot dog stand, too, and business is booming.”
The SlimSucker retails for $59.95 and comes in four retro 70s colors: black, gold, avocado, and bone white.