Swimsuit Uses Cellulite and Sweat to Accentuate Your Figure

 Humor, Men's Interest, Parody, Self-Help, Sports, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  1 Response »
May 212013
 

Black One-Piece SwimsuitThe Slim­Sucker Swim­suit uses a space age, patented LipoLy­cra tech­nol­ogy to use the body’s per­spi­ra­tion sys­tem to suck body fat from the hips and waist and push it up into the breasts, pre­sent­ing a more busty figure.

““The Slim­Sucker is fan­tas­tic,” said Melanie Majors, 36, a para­le­gal, wife, and mother of three. “After the triplets ripped me to shreds dur­ing child­birth, I had a dif­fi­cult time exer­cis­ing, so I had a hard time los­ing that post-pregnancy weight. Thanks to the Slim­Sucker one-piece, I look like a super hero­ine drawn by a horny, thirteen-year-old boy and capa­ble of breast­feed­ing an entire third world nation.”

The Slim­Sucker was designed by Theodore Reichen, 56, a biol­o­gist spe­cial­iz­ing in harm­ful par­a­sites. “I was observ­ing the Tichi Tichi in the Bel­gian Congo, a tiny par­a­site that digs into the flesh of a larger organ­ism and uses a feed­ing tube to suck the life out of another creature.

““A few weeks later while vaca­tion­ing with my fam­ily in Panama City, Florida and see­ing just how many obese Amer­i­cans were on the beach in Speedos and biki­nis, I thought, why couldn’t the sci­ence of the Tichi Tichi be used to design a slim­ming swim­suit for larger folk?”

In addi­tion to the lovely one-piece for women, the Slim­Sucker is also avail­able in trunks for men. The LipoLy­cra tech­nol­ogy has been mod­i­fied to move the fat from the gut and push it down into a spe­cial cod­piece, which inflates the ego as well as his junk.

““The Slim­Sucker trunks are awe­some,” say Kenny Ortega, 27, part-time playa and owner of Between the Bunz. “It’s not only changed my physique, it’s changed my life. I can­not even walk down the beach with­out some babe giv­ing me her dig­its. It’s also brought a lot of atten­tion to my hot dog stand, too, and busi­ness is booming.”

The Slim­Sucker retails for $59.95 and comes in four retro 70s col­ors: black, gold, avo­cado, and bone white.

File Clerk with Fear of Paper Settles Out of Court with Employer

 Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Work  No Responses »
May 142013
 

Man Scared of Falling PaperKevin Culpep­per, 28, a file clerk for the Law Offices of Ditto, Ditto & Ditto, filed a law­suit against his employer, stat­ing he was unable to work as he suf­fers from papy­ro­pho­bia, a fear of paper.

““When­ever I would pick up stacks of doc­u­ments to file, I became dizzy, expe­ri­enced short­ness of breath, and heart pal­pi­ta­tions,” said Culpep­per.  “I know it sounds silly, but I kept hav­ing visions of trip­ping and toss­ing the stack in the air, then watch­ing in hor­ror from the ground as hun­dreds of pieces of paper fell down upon me and slice my body to shreds.”

When Cuplep­per spoke to George W. Ditto, Sr., about his con­di­tion, he was told he might be bet­ter off find­ing a new career, but Cuplep­per claimed his spent his entire inher­i­tance from his father’s steam­roller acci­dent on tuition to Ms. Rhoda’s Office Worker School.  (He grad­u­ated with a diploma in filing.)

““Besides that, I’m a hemo­phil­iac,” Cuplpep­per said, “and one I start bleed­ing, I’m like Old Faith­ful; I just keep gush­ing until I pass out.”

Upon hear­ing of his med­ical con­di­tion, Ditto made an offer to set­tle out of court.  In addi­tion, Ditto, Ditto & Ditto have offered to replace their paper files with elec­tronic copies.

““Kevin has been pro­moted to our PDF file clerk, and he will file these dig­i­tal copies into elec­tronic files, mak­ing his fear of paper cuts a moot point.

Cuplpep­per seemed pleased with the out­come.  “I’m touched that Ditto, Ditto & Ditto has offered to work with me instead of putting me out of work.”  He joked, “Unfor­tu­nately, I also have an irra­tional fear of the return key on com­puter keyboards.”

Ditto, Ditto & Ditto did not respond to his joke.  Evi­dently, they didn’t find it very funny.

Man Has Alien and Anal Probe Surgically Removed from His Anus

 Aliens, Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  1 Response »
May 072013
 

Truck DriverLeroy Burns, 43, a deliv­ery dri­ver for the Wishy Wash­ing Laun­dry Ser­vice, was found run­ning naked through the Hole-in-One Donut Shop/Minature Golf Course early Sun­day morning.

Local police took Burns to the emer­gency room at Kissim­i­coochee Gen­eral Hos­pi­tal after he com­plained of dis­com­fort of the bowels.

Doc­tors removed a large pickle and the car­cass of an uniden­ti­fied crea­ture with large eyes from Burns’ anus.

Burns claimed he was abducted by a U.F.O. while fish­ing in his pon­toon boat on Lake Yukatuka.  “They stripped me naked as a jay­bird and strapped me down to an exam­in­ing table where this lit­tle bald, gray guy messed with my where-the-sun-don’t-shine regions with one of them anal probes,” he said.

Burns, who suf­fers from a con­di­tion known as spon­ta­neous reverse flat­u­lence, said he suf­fered an attack dur­ing the exam­i­na­tion and the alien and anal probe were sucked into his rec­tal cav­ity where they remained until the fly­ing saucer ran out of gas and crashed in the lake.

Although Burns claimed the con­tents of his anus prove the exis­tence of extrater­res­trial life, local author­i­ties claim the alien (after being cleaned up) bears a remark­able resem­blance to Ms. Net­tie B. Perkins’ prize Chi­huahua, Chi­clet, who dis­ap­peared last week.

When asked about the anal probe, Sher­iff Hux­ley said it appeared to be sweet gherkin, but he was not curi­ous enough to take a bite and con­firm it.  He said Burns will be held at the county jail until police have com­pleted their investigation.

Pancake Schnitzel Cooking Class Provides Stress Relief for Vegetarian Moms

 Food, Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Apr 302013
 

Woman with Giant PancakeWhen Jane Argo, a dieti­cian and foodie, 38, for­merly felt over­whelmed by the ups and downs of life, she used to go straight to com­fort food for relief. How­ever, after gain­ing 30 lbs. after her daugh­ter was born, Argo decided to comit to lifestyle changes that would improve her health, even­tu­ally becom­ing a vegetarian.

Argo’s hus­band, Ted, 43, a police offi­cer, used to kid her that after becom­ing a veg­e­tar­ian, she became an angrier per­son, as she was no longer able to seek out her favorite com­fort foods, because they were made with ani­mal products.

““One day I was just at wit’s end after a dif­fi­cult day and I craved my grandmother’s wiener schnitzel,” Argo said. “I was so frus­trated I just wanted to hit some­thing, and that’s when I saw the left­over pan­cakes from breakfast.”

Tak­ing ten­der­izer ham­mer to the pan­cakes, Argo pro­ceeded to pound the hell out of the pan­cakes until they were the size of man­hole cov­ers. She then breaded them and deep-fried them in canola oil and served them for din­ner, smoth­ered in maple syrup.

““The fam­ily loved them. Ted said the taste reminded him of fried chicken and waf­fles,” Argo said. “I also noticed that all the stress and frus­tra­tion of the day.”

She chris­tened her new recipe a Pfannkuchen­itzel, a mash-up of tra­di­tional the tra­di­tional Ger­man pan­cake and a schnitzel, a bone­less piece of meat ten­der­ized by pound­ing flat.

When­ever she grew agi­tated, Argo con­tin­ued to make her new dish, and other veg­e­tar­ian moth­ers noticed and asked her secret. That’s when she first had the idea to offer a cook­ing class, The Zen of Pfannkuchenitzel.

Before long veg­e­tar­i­ans were mak­ing the pil­grim­age to Argo’s house to beat the hell out of their frus­tra­tions on pan­cakes and deep-fry them for lunch.

““I used to scald my husband’s din­ner when he pissed me off and he com­plained about hav­ing to eat my hate for din­ner,” said Mar­got Ellen­berger, 51, a house­wife and veg­e­tar­ian. “Now he’s con­stantly think­ing up ways to pull my chain, just so he can have Pfannkuchen­itzel for dinner.”

Although it may seem every­one loves Pfannkuchen­itzel, Ed Tan­ner, 64, the owner of an Inter­na­tional House of Pan­cakes in town is not a fan. “That lit­tle veg­e­tar­ian gal has hurt my busi­ness by almost 35% and I’m IHOP­ing mad!”

Argo, in an act of con­tri­tion, has offered to treat Tan­ner to a free class. “I’m sav­ing a ham­mer for Ed,” said Argo. “He’s always wel­come to come over and beat the crap out of pan­cake at my house.”

Husband Accuses Wife of Cheating with Humpback Whale

 Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Apr 232013
 

Diver and Humpback WhaleErnie Sny­der, 42, a phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal sales­man, has filed for a divorce from his wife, Janine, 39, a marine biol­o­gist, stat­ing irrecon­cia­ble dif­fer­ences and accus­ing his estranged wife of adul­tery with a hump­back whale.

““I first began to sus­pect some­thing when I came home from a sales trip and found plank­ton in our bed,” said Sny­der. “When I asked Janine about it, she got defen­sive and said she occa­sion­ally liked to snack in bed when she watched T.V. late at night.”

Uncon­vinced, Sny­der hired a detec­tive to fol­low his wife while he was out of town. When the detec­tive sent the incrim­i­nat­ing pic­tures to Sny­der, he was shocked. “I couldn’t believe it, but the proof was in my hand. Pho­tographs of Janine and a swarthy hump­back whale enjoy­ing inti­mate, can­dlelit din­ners at our favorite restau­rant, Antonio’s; two-stepping together at Honky Tonk Heaven; and shop­ping for adult nov­elty items at Sin­sa­tional out on High­way 69.”

Sny­der opted to play his cards close to his chest and began eaves­drop­ping on his wife as she took long bub­ble­baths while whis­per­ing and laugh­ing on the tele­phone. “For me, the last straw is when I heard her tell a friend that she couldn’t even describe in words what this aquatic mam­mal could do with his blow hole.”

After being con­fronted with the damn­ing pic­tures, Janine admit­ted to her affair. “I didn’t mean for it to hap­pen,” she said, “but I stopped in the Crow’s Nest for a fish & chips bas­ket and a beer after a long day at work, and I felt a pair of large eyes on me. When I turned around, Bertie came over and offered me his fin and intro­duced him­self. He was in town, star­ring in a musi­cal stage pro­duc­tion of Moby Dick, enti­tled “There He Blows!” One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we’d fallen in love.”

Rumors imply that Bertie, the stud whale, moved into the home that Sny­der and Janine shared shortly after Sny­der moved into a nearby apartment.

““I know time heals all wounds and I want Janine to be happy,” Sny­der said, “but I’d be lying if I said I would feel sorry for them if he got harpooned.”

Parents Treasure Pirate-Themed Diapers

 Babies, Humor, Parents, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Apr 162013
 

Skull & Crossbones DiaperPar­ents are prais­ing Baby Booty Dia­pers, the new pirate-themed nappy that specif­i­cally indi­cates whether a child has gone num­ber one or num­ber two.

““I love the fun, fes­tive par­rots that cover Baby Booty Dia­pers,” said Melissa Hoskins, 32, a for­mer Cin­derella at Dis­ney World and mother of triplets.  “With three babies, I don’t have time to won­der if one of my sons has soiled his dia­per.  Whey they uri­nate, a sail­ing ship appears on the front of the dia­per and actu­ally sinks, due to the chem­i­cal reac­tion between his urine and the dia­per.  If he defe­cates, a skull and cross­bones appears on the back of the diaper.”

Mother & Toddler Stunt Team Fall into Controversy

 Babies, Family, Humor, Kids, Movies, Parents, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Apr 092013
 

Mother and ToddlerWhen movie pro­duc­ers need a mother and child for a flee­ing vil­lian to knock out of the way, fall from a bal­cony, or mauled by a Rot­tweiler, they call Mandy Knox and her two-year-old daugh­ter, Gertie.

““I never con­sid­ered a career as a stunt mother until a friend make a joke about how clumsy I seemed to be, yet always man­aged to pro­tect Ger­tie,” said Mandy, 27. “I mean, I was con­stantly falling down the stairs with her or acci­den­tally rolling my shop­ping cart into a dis­play of patio stones at the hard­ware store that would then fall on my head.”

Notic­ing how baby Ger­tie seemed to delight in her mother’s clutzi­ness and how resilient Mandy seemed to be, a cast­ing direc­tor for Father’s Day 4: Daddy’s Home offered the mother and daugh­ter an oppor­tu­nity to appear in the movie if they would fall down a spi­ral staircase.

““Ger­tie and I had such a blast, we opened our own stunt mother and child company—Hard Knox Stunts–and we’ve been going gang­busters ever since.”

Some crit­ics, how­ever, con­sider Hard Knox Stunts to be a form of child exploita­tion, if not not abuse. “What kind of mother tosses her child into an aquar­ium of Pirhanah?” asked Jane Moureau, 48, a child advo­cate. “What’s next? A sausage grinder?”

Mandy main­tains she is still a lov­ing, car­ing mother. “Ger­tie is always in bed in by seven o’clock every night, she eats well-balanced, nutri­tious meals, and spends qual­ity time every day with her father and me. I don’t under­stand what the big deal is about. Ger­tie and I always put safety first.”

A recent inves­ti­ga­tion by the Depart­ment of Fam­ily and Children’s Ser­vices (DFCS) after Mandy and Ger­tie were set on fire in Bad Nanny Returns revealed no signs of child abuse or neglect.

When asked how long the mother and daugh­ter stunt team will con­tinue to work, Mandy shrugs and said, “It’s up to Ger­tie. If it starts to feel too much like work and she gets bored, we’ll quit. I only want her to do this while it’s still fun.”

Next up for Mandy and Ger­tie, they will be torn apart in Zombie Poo­dles from Hell.

Police Arrest Public Official in Peep® Show Raid

 Fetish, Food, Holidays, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Mar 262013
 

Marshmallow Peep ShowKissim­i­coochee Police arrested Griff B. Slagel, 52, the Food Sales Licens­ing Coor­di­na­tor for Cracker County, when they raided the Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge Sat­ur­day night dur­ing an ille­gal Peep® Show.

When police entered the estab­lish­ment, they found sev­eral female per­form­ers danc­ing while wear­ing noth­ing but strate­gi­cally placed marsh­mal­low Peeps® on their per­son, and Slagel nib­bling the ears off a pink marsh­mal­low bunny nes­tled between a female employee’s legs.  Slagel attempted to swal­low the evi­dence, but police suc­cess­fully force him to purge the evi­dence into a plas­tic bag.

Police Chief Ed Potts, 44, reported it is ille­gal to dance naked with live or images of ani­mals in Kissim­i­coochee, as well as col­or­ing pubic hair to resem­ble plas­tic Easter grass.

Slagel issued a state­ment this morn­ing, stat­ing he had vis­ited the Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge for a rou­tine inspec­tion and taste test and, in fact, had done noth­ing wrong.  His wife issued her own state­ment shortly after­wards, say­ing, “His ass is Easter grass when I get my hands on him.”

Ms. Amber Jean Hens­ley, 22, a per­former at Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge has sold her story to Cut Bait or Fish mag­a­zine and will fea­ture in a photo spread in the sum­mer issue, just as soon as the green dye fades from her nether regions.

Mean­while, Just Born, the candy man­u­fac­turer of marsh­mal­low Peeps® plans to sue the own­ers of the Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge for defamation.

So far, Kissim­i­coochee cit­i­zens have expressed out­rage at the the ille­gal Peep® Show.

““It is a sin to waste a per­fectly good Peep® when chil­dren are starv­ing in Africa,” said Imo­gene Teller, 68, a cashier at the Pig­gly Wig­gly, “besides that, yel­low sugar chafes the thighs some­thing fierce, too.”

““I can­not con­done such irre­spon­si­ble behav­ior from adults in our com­mu­nity,” said Christie Ful­bright, 25, a den­tal hygien­ist and mother of two.  “I’ve already been to the emer­gency room twice this year to have objects removed from my son’s nasal cav­i­ties; I don’t need any­one else giv­ing him ideas of where to stick things.”

““I sure hope this scan­dal won’t cause them to lose their bait license,” said Leroy Haas, 49, a ware­house worker at the Stonewall Grits Com­pany, “because they have the best prices on night crawlers in the county.”

Drinking Moms Book Club Discusses Books Without Reading Them

 Books, Friends, Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Mar 192013
 

My Book Club Only Reads Wine LabelsThe Drink­ing Moms Book Club in Plano, Texas puts a unique spin on book club discussions.

““We’re all so busy try­ing to man­age homes, fam­i­lies, and careers that we decided although we enjoyed par­tic­i­pat­ing in book club dis­cus­sions, we just didn’t have the time to read,” said Allie Hig­gins, 33, wife, mother, and vir­tual masseuse. “But we really loved one another’s com­pany, so we decided to just quit read­ing the book and still get together.”

Accord­ing to Hig­gins, her book club mem­bers meet at a member’s home and enjoy an hour of gos­sip, appe­tiz­ers, and cock­tails, before sit­ting down to dis­cuss that month’s book club selection.

““The host­ess holds up a book she recently pur­chased, and then we go around the cir­cle and give our indi­vid­ual inter­pre­ta­tions of what the book is about based on the title and book cover. After we’ve gone around the cir­cle, we vote on the best answer and then decide whether or not we liked the book.”

Some of the Drink­ing Moms Book Club’s favorite non-reading selec­tions with its inter­pre­ta­tions are as follows:

The Story of O by Pauline Réage
“We are all inspired by this biog­ra­phy of Oprah Win­frey. Love her!”

Fifty Shades of Gray by E.L. James
“We found this novel about Betsy Ross’ strug­gle with post-natal depres­sion while sewing the first Amer­i­can flag to be very pow­er­ful and moving.”

Out­liers by Mal­colm Glad­well
“Obvi­ously, this is about peo­ple who like to tell false­hoods out­doors. Not really my cup of tea, but we like to not read out­side our usual genres.”

Let’s Pre­tend This Never Hap­pened by Jenny Law­son
“Oh god, who hasn’t woken up after a night of exces­sive drink­ing, naked, in the same bed with your room­mate at a women’s col­lege. Of course, I can laugh about it now, but I haven’t spo­ken to Wendy Rhodes since 1998.”

The Immoratal Life of Hen­ri­etta Lacks by Rebecca Sloot
“I just adore a vam­pire story set in the rural United States. I can just pic­ture the undead Hen­ri­etta lurk­ing around the five and dime, stalk­ing her vic­tims who have come to buy penny candy … Spooky!”

Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern
“The title seems a tad too on the nose. Obvi­ously, it’s a mem­oir writ­ten by the child of a proc­tol­o­gist. Nor­mally, I’d be afraid to pick some­thing like this up, but it was all the rage at the time we decided not to read it.”

Although the Drink­ing Moms Book Club has received crit­i­cism for being so vocal about not read­ing books, Hig­gins defended her mem­bers. “Look, we may not read the book, but at least we buy a copy. We’re not like a lot of those other book club phonies who pre­tend to read the book and then just drink wine and chat about the pros and cons of vagi­nal reju­ve­na­tion or if their hus­bands would be gay for Bradley Cooper. At least we’re using our minds.”

Dominatrix Club for Southern Ladies to Close

 Fetish, Humor, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Mar 122013
 

DominatrixThe Kissim­i­coochee Dom­i­na­trix Club for South­ern Ladies will close at the end of the month.  “I really thought Coweta County could use a bit of dis­ci­pline, but you just can’t beat the good man­ners out of a south­ern lady,” said owner Lotta Payne.

““When I saw BDSM, I thought it was a class on toi­let train­ing for chil­dren,” said Mary Ellen Bar­tow, 27, a for­mer con­ve­nience store clerk and stay-at-home mom.  “When I went to the first class and Ms. Payne said we were going to dis­ci­pline a sub, I thought to myself, I won­der what that sand­wich done?”

Beyond igno­rance, Ms. Payne said that many of her stu­dents were con­cerned about being per­ceived as too agres­sive or manly.  “I tried to show the girls that a dom­i­na­trix can flog a man and still main­tain her fem­i­nin­ity, but they just couldn’t seem to grasp it.”

““I tried,” said Erma Fuller, 48, church organ­ist and home­maker.  “I’m will­ing to cane a man, if that’s what he wants, but my mama would kill me if I didn’t offer him a glass of iced tea and some peach cob­bler first.  Ater all, a man can’t be be humil­i­ated on an empty stomach.”

Ms. Payne does give props to her stu­dents in one area, though.  “They were real atten­tive dur­ing my lec­tures on safety and clean­ing equipment.”

““I’m always inter­ested to hear how to remove blood stains,” said Jolene John­son, 36, a book keeper for Yee-Hawl Mov­ing & Stor­age.  “What mother isn’t?”

Still, Ms. Payne has no regrets.  “I gave it a shot, but I know when to stop beat­ing a dead horse.  I stopped the whip­pin’ before it whipped me.”

The Kissim­i­coochee Dom­i­na­trix Club for South­ern Ladies will be replaced by Miss Grace’s Charm School for Girls, which will open in early April.

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