““Gay is so old fashioned,” Vanderchuk said in a brief interview between American Government and Study Hall. “I mean, I appreciate all the old guys who came before me and marched in gay pride parades and performed as the Village People, but it’s time to rebrand gay as more of a feeling and an attitude instead of just a sexual orientation.”
Vanderchuck stated that fabulous can remix old LGBT situations into more life-affirming scenarios.
““Imagine, if you will, that instead of breaking it to your parents somberly that you’re gay and have them reach for a bible and cry and ask where they went wrong, you shout, ‘Mom! Dad! I’m fabulous!’ and do an interpretative dance to express your sexuality. It’s guaranteed to make any parent grab a glow stick and kick up their heels with you.”
Flapjack Falls’ High School’s sole male cheerleader also thinks it will help with bullying by using reverse psychology. “In the past, bullies would ask if you’re gay or queer, and then if you said yes, they would beat the crap out of you. I propose that we teach bullies to ask if you’re fabulous, and then when you respond, ‘Yes, I am!’ they’ll back down, because how can you want to hurt anyone who’s fabulous?”
Toby also suggests that fellow students support their fabulous friends by holding surprise outing parties. “I like to refer to it as fab bashing,” he said. “I mean, we give people a cake for just about every other milestone, why not serve up a slice for recognizing they want to tap Justin Bieber’s ass or feel up the newest Disney princess’s boobs?”
Vanderchuck has caused quite a stir in the media by suggesting that the Flapjack Falls School District is anti-fabulous by refusing to allow him to sell his Fabulous Pride t-shirts. “We have no problem with Mr. Vanderchuck expressing his pride in all of his fabulosity,” said Flapjack Falls School Board President, Jean Kirkwood, 43, “But he can’t sell t-shirts at school that read: @#%* IT, I’M FABULOUS!”
Toby, whose hobbies include working out, highlights, and choreographing dance routines to old school Britney (Anything before 2011!) in his rumpus room, would like to spread the word that if there any really cute guys who are struggling with their fabulosity, they can hit him up on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Skype. “I care. I’m a really good listener. And I’m also legal, so call me, maybe.”