Apr 022013
 

Baby with Rainbow FlagA new White Party™ event will be intro­duced this fall–The Dia­per Party.

With the explo­sive growth of LGBT cou­ples who have adopted or con­ceived their own chil­dren, many pre­vi­ous patrons of White Party™ events no longer feel there is a place for them on the circuit.

Tak­ing dif­fer­ences of lifestyle into con­sid­er­a­tion, orga­niz­ers are plan­ning a party that will appeal to LGBT parents.

“It was really a no brainer,” said Dia­per Party mas­ter­mind Sky Tatum, 29.  “Since the White Party™ has always been about gay men wear­ing a tiny piece of white cloth, it seemed like one of the few places that LGBT par­ty­go­ers and their young chil­dren could dress alike.”

In addi­tion to the open bar for par­ents, the Dia­per Party will also offer a milk express sta­tion and pureed fruit and veg­etable buf­fet for the lit­tle party ani­mals.  Tatum promises that every child in atten­dane will receive a glow stick.

Musi­cal guests will include moth­ers Kris­tine W, Donna DeLory, and spe­cial guest Baby Psy per­form­ing his inter­na­tional smash “Goo Goo Style.”

Child­care will also be avail­able at a 15-minute rate for LGBT cou­ples who might care to spice their rela­tion­ship up with a three-way or an orgy in one of the pri­vate suites at the nearby hotels.

Some crit­ics have argues this type of behav­ior is exactly why LGBT peo­ple should not be allowed to have children.

“What’s the dif­fer­ence if you’re leav­ing your child with a babysit­ter to go see the new Julia Roberts flick or to get spit-roasted with two mus­cle boys while your part­ner watches?” Tatum said, “In the end, they’re still going to pick that kid up and take care of him and love him, although I’d rec­om­mend you brush your teeth before you start kiss­ing all over that baby.”

Feb 122013
 

Basket WeavingKirk Thomp­son, 37, a man­ager for a local mar­ket­ing com­pany, plans to sur­prise his part­ner on Valentine’s Day–with bas­ket weav­ing. How­ever, it’s not the kind that brings back fond mem­o­ries of mak­ing crafts at sum­mer camp. In this instance, the bas­ket is Thompson’s gen­i­tals, com­monly referred to in gay slang as a bas­ket, and the weav­ing refers to thread­ing exten­sions into his pubic hair.

“I was just going through a blah stage in my life,” said Thomp­son. “One day I was in the locker room at the gym and noticed every hand­some, smooth, buffed, cosmetically-enhanced man gay man looked exactly like me. I real­ized then I wanted to stand out in some way: I had to be me.”

Thomp­son hap­pened to notice another gay man with a bas­ket weave dur­ing a hot nude yoga class and asked him about it. “It was long, dark and parted in the mid­dle,” Thomp­son said. “His pack­age looked just like Cher before her nose job. Any­way, he referred me to Bo Bo.”

Located in Ams­ter­dam Walk, Bo Bo’s Bas­ket Weav­ing offers an array of qual­ity, afford­ably priced pubic hair exten­sions for gay men. Bo Bo Blomquist, 48, a for­mer meat­ball designer for Ikea, had the idea for pubic hair exten­sions when he hap­pened to drop a very per­sonal piece of body jew­elry down the drain after tak­ing some ecstasy, so he threaded some fern fronds into his bush to recover the jew­elry. “As I stared at myself in the bath­room mir­ror,” Blomquist revealed, “I thought to myself, Bobo, you’re onto some­thing … or maybe it was you’re on some­thing, which was true. Regard­less, I real­ized that gay men are vain and bur­dened with a redicu­lous amount of dis­pos­able income and I could eas­ily dupe them into shar­ing it with me by stick­ing some dried flow­ers in their pubes. And the rest is history!”

For some gay men, bas­ket weav­ing is less about style and more about reveal­ing them­selves. “I had the pic­ture sleeves of my favorite Madonna sin­gles repro­duced at a two-inch by two-inch scale and then had Bobo thread them in, along with a few ball gags and a straw­berry fall,” said Spanky Soho, 41, a visual mer­chan­dis­ing man­ager for Banana Repub­lic. “Now when I’m at a nude pool party or orgy, other gay men can clearly see what inter­ests me.”

For other gay men, they want to cel­e­brate a sense of his­tory. “My hus­band, Jamal, and I have been together for ten years and wanted to show that story around our fam­ily jew­els,” said Bill Greene, 35, a Delta gate agent. “Here are the ticket stubs from the movie we saw on our first date, a cock­tail nap­kin from the night we met, and some dried petals from the rose bush we planted when we first moved into the home we bought together,” said Greene. “I do rec­om­mend that you give some thought to what you thread into your nether region, though. Rose petals are okay, but using the whole flower can be thorny, unless pain is your thing.”

After a con­sul­ta­tion with Bo Bo, Thomp­son final­ized his bas­ket weave. His part­ner is Mexican-American, so Thomp­son opted for a bushy, han­dle­bar mous­tache to be woven in to his pubic hair. “Bobo even sells acces­sories, so I bought a tiny som­brero for my penis and a pon­cho for my scro­tum. Miguel is going to love it!”

When asked if he thought bas­ket weav­ing is just a fad, Thomp­son dis­agreed. “Sure, the som­brero and pon­cho are just for Valentine’s Day, but I’m look­ing for­ward to the feel­ing of let­ting myself just hang out as I march through the locke­room with my Ponch Villa on the way to the show­ers. This is me! Take me or leave … but don’t take any pic­tures with your iPhone.”

Oct 092012
 

High school senior Toby Van­der­chuk, 18, of Flap­jack Falls, WY, wants to ditch the term “gay” for LGBT youth and replace it with “fabulous.”

“Gay is so old fash­ioned,” Van­der­chuk said in a brief inter­view between Amer­i­can Gov­ern­ment and Study Hall.  “I mean, I appre­ci­ate all the old guys who came before me and marched in gay pride parades and per­formed as the Vil­lage Peo­ple, but it’s time to rebrand gay as more of a feel­ing and an atti­tude instead of just a sex­ual orientation.”

Van­der­chuck stated that fab­u­lous can remix old LGBT sit­u­a­tions into more life-affirming scenarios.

“Imag­ine, if you will, that instead of break­ing it to your par­ents somberly that you’re gay and have them reach for a bible and cry and ask where they went wrong, you shout, ‘Mom! Dad!  I’m fab­u­lous!’ and do an inter­pre­ta­tive dance to express your sex­u­al­ity.  It’s guar­an­teed to make any par­ent grab a glow stick and kick up their heels with you.”

Flap­jack Falls’ High School’s sole male cheer­leader also thinks it will help with bul­ly­ing by using reverse psy­chol­ogy.  “In the past, bul­lies would ask if you’re gay or queer, and then if you said yes, they would beat the crap out of you.  I pro­pose that we teach bul­lies to ask if you’re fab­u­lous, and then when you respond, ‘Yes, I am!’ they’ll back down, because how can you want to hurt any­one who’s fabulous?”

Toby also sug­gests that fel­low stu­dents sup­port their fab­u­lous friends by hold­ing sur­prise out­ing par­ties.  “I like to refer to it as fab bash­ing,” he said.  “I mean, we give peo­ple a cake for just about every other mile­stone, why not serve up a slice for rec­og­niz­ing they want to tap Justin Bieber’s ass or feel up the newest Dis­ney princess’s boobs?”

Van­der­chuck has caused quite a stir in the media by sug­gest­ing that the Flap­jack Falls School Dis­trict is anti-fabulous by refus­ing to allow him to sell his Fab­u­lous Pride t-shirts.  “We have no prob­lem with Mr. Van­der­chuck express­ing his pride in all of his fab­u­los­ity,” said  Flap­jack Falls School Board Pres­i­dent, Jean Kirk­wood, 43, “But he can’t sell t-shirts at school that read: @#%* IT, I’M FABULOUS!”

Toby, whose hob­bies include work­ing out, high­lights, and chore­o­graph­ing dance rou­tines to old school Brit­ney (Any­thing before 2011!) in his rum­pus room,  would like to spread the word that if there any really cute guys who are strug­gling with their fab­u­los­ity, they can hit him up on Face­book, Twit­ter, and/or Skype.  “I care.  I’m a really good lis­tener.  And I’m also legal, so call me, maybe.”

Sep 252012
 

The National Enquirer pub­lished pho­tos this week of pop­u­lar Looney Toons char­ac­ter Foghorn Leghorn din­ing at a Chick-Fil-A out­side of Louisville, Ken­tucky. Fel­low din­ers expressed shock when the famous Leghorn rooster with a South­ern accent ate two orders of chicken nuggets, while they snapped pho­tographs with their cell phones.

When later asked how it felt to be a pho­tographed as a true chicken can­ni­bal at Chick-Fil-A, Leghorn replied, “That’s a joke, I say, that’s a joke, son. I just went inside for some waf­fle fries.”

Oddly, no one seemed bent out of shape that Leghorn was seen canoodling in a booth near the Chick-Fil-A play­ground with Gun­ther & Cochise, a pair of pec implant-enhanced, heav­ily tat­tooed con­joined twins who have appeared in a series of pop­u­lar Slo­vak gay porn films, most notably, Tit for Tat.

I think it’s safe to assume that the Amer­i­can peo­ple believe it’s okay for our anthro­po­mor­phic celebri­ties to date Siamese twin, gay porn stars, just as long as they’re not can­ni­bals,” said Peanuts char­ac­ter and celebrity vegan, Pep­per­mint Patty.

Aug 142012
 

After learn­ing that Chick-Fil-A donated money to the Fam­ily Research Coun­cil, an orga­ni­za­tion that falsely links homo­sex­u­al­ity to pedophilia, Jo Jo Gon­za­les found him­self at a fork in the road:  Do I choose LGBT rights?  Or do I choose a deep-fried chicken sand­wich?  Then a thought occurred to him–Why can’t I have both?

Gon­za­les and his boyfriend, Eddie O’Hara, decided to open an alter­na­tive to Chick-Fil-A that sup­ports same-sex mar­riage.  Thus, they have opened their first Cock-a-Grill-a-Do in Decatur, Geor­gia.  “Eddie is Irish, so we had orig­i­nally intended to call it the Bent Cock, which is British slang for gay.  When we tried it out on poten­tial cus­tomers, it stirred in their minds the images of a sex club, not a chicken sand­wich, so we had to rethink our plan.”

The Cock-a-Grill-a-Do expe­ri­ence begins as the cus­tomer walks through the doors of the hot pink barn facade and is greeted by hunky, shirt­less cashiers who eagerly await to take his order.  At the moment, there are only two sand­wich options:  The Dirty Birdy, which is a deep-fried chicken sand­wich, and the Cock-a-Grill-a-Do, which is the grilled chicken alter­na­tive.  The cus­tomer may spec­ify if he wants his sand­wich with spe­cial sauce (with a money shot) or dry (a la safe sex).  Instead of  waf­fle fries, Cock-a-Grill-a-Do offers Chicken Scratch Fries, a lat­ticed potato vari­a­tion with a spicy sea­son­ing.  For dessert, choose from Aunt Earl’s Egg-straordinary Ice­box Pie or Mis­sis­sissy Mud Brownie.  Cock-a-Grill-a-Do turns lemon­ade on its rind with their refresh­ing adult bev­er­age inspired lemon-fey’d.

After plac­ing his order, the cus­tomer can relax by lis­ten­ing to chicken-fried takes on clas­sic disco songs:  “Ring My Neck” instead of “Ring My Bell,” “Let’s All Cluck” instead of “Let’s All Chant,” and “Le Beak” instead of “Le Freak.”  When the food is ready, go-go boys in feath­ered g-strings with elab­o­rate tails slide down a pole from where the kitchen is in the hay loft and deliver the food to the customer’s table.  Cus­tomers are also treated to cock fights on the hour when sexy boys dressed in skimpy chicken-inspired cos­tumes climb into the ring in the cen­ter of a din­ing room for cock fights.

So far, busi­ness has been phe­nom­e­nal, but Gon­za­lez and O’Hara have received crit­i­cism from les­bians who feel that Cock-a-Grill-a-Do caters toward gay men–not women.  “We’re plan­ning to add a hen house in the back of the park­ing lot where we’ll serve organic and veg­e­tar­ian options,” said Gon­za­les, “as well as acoustic music about chickens.”

When asked if they feel Cock-a-Grill-a-Do suc­ceeds in pro­vid­ing a chicken sand­wich in an envi­ron­ment that sup­ports same-sex mar­riage, Gon­za­les and O’Hara look at each other.  “You know, we got so swept up in the fab­u­lous­ness of the idea, that we for­got all about that.”

Aug 092012
 

At writ­ing group tonight, my fel­low writer Nicki Har­ris Sal­cedo, informs me that hot Amish boy on hot Amish boy M/M fic­tion is the hottest thing in pub­lish­ing right now.  I thought she was jok­ing, but she was seri­ous  After every­one left, it got me think­ing about what the top ten titles would be for hot Amish boy M/M fiction:

01. Shun My Buns

02. Barn Rais­ing Down Below

03. A Love Less Ordungnary

04. Penn­syl­va­nia Butch

05. Get­tin’ Buggy Wit It

06. Gelassen­heit 451

07. The Amish Dri­ver Always Whips Twice

08. Object of My Reli­gious Objection

09. Rim a Wide Brim

10. The But­ton­less Boink (for all the Amish Erica Jong fans)

11. Giovanni’s Rum­springa

12. Dress Me in Eng­lish Leather

 

Aug 062012
 

2012 Lambda Literary Foundation Young Adult Fiction FellowsI was writ­ing on my lap­top in my dorm room when I heard the door open and a sin­gle roll of toi­let paper wheeled across the floor and stopped in front of my feet. It pretty much summed up the Lambda Lit­er­ary Foundation’s 2012 Writ­ers’ Retreat for Emerg­ing LGBT Voices: You nei­ther knew what would hap­pen next nor where inspi­ra­tion would spring from.

Pic­ture this–46 LGBT writ­ers from around the world come together on Amer­i­can Jew­ish Uni­ver­sity (AJU) cam­pus in Bel Air, Cal­i­for­nia to study fic­tion, cre­ative non­fic­tion, poetry, and young adult fic­tion for a week with Dorothy Alli­son, Cris Beam, Jew­elle Gomez, and Alex Sanchez.

I have wanted to study with Alex Sanchez ever since I fin­ished the first Rain­bow Boys book and went, “Aw …” I didn’t have a lot of expec­ta­tions when I picked up that book out of curios­ity, but I was amazed at how gooey I got inside after read­ing about the romance that devel­oped between the math whiz and the bas­ket­ball jock. I totally believe that there is now a par­a­sitic 14-year-old girl liv­ing inside of me and I’m okay with that. So when I saw that Alex was going to be teach­ing the YA sec­tion of the LLF Writ­ers’ Retreat, I sent in the first two chap­ters of the novel I have been work­ing on since Feb­ru­ary, and I was delighted when he selected me to par­tic­i­pate in his workshop.

You never know how those “cre­ative types” can be, so I’m always cau­tious enter­ing a work­shop set­ting. How­ever, I couldn’t have asked for a more well-suited group of fel­low writ­ers. I learned as much from read­ing their work and cri­tiquing them as I did from them read­ing my work and cri­tiquing me. Alex was a very gen­er­ous facil­i­ta­tor. In fact, he was so nice, I began to won­der if he might be, in fact, a pod per­son. As it turns out, he really is super nice.

My YA fel­lows are an extremely tal­ented group of peo­ple. Some of us have already pub­lished or are in the process of being pub­lished, oth­ers were just start­ing out. The sub­ject mat­ter ranged from migrant worker chil­dren to inter­sex and trans­gen­dered kids to more typ­i­cal teenagers try­ing to make sense of their sex­u­al­ity, fam­i­lies, and school. My cri­tique con­firmed what I already knew (the pro­logue, now mat­ter how pretty it sounds, has to go), and what I didn’t know (con­tem­po­rary YA read­ers are not inter­ested in read­ing about teenagers in 1985).

Why did you set your novel in the ‘80s?” Alex asked.

Um, because I didn’t want to write scenes about tex­ting,” I confessed.

In the end, I received con­fir­ma­tion that the major­ity of what I had was solid, so I can make some minor adjust­ments and have a man­u­script that is closer to being ready to query agents.

One of the most refresh­ing things about the retreat was hav­ing access to all of these incred­i­ble writ­ers. We work­shopped with them. We ate with them. We sat in on read­ings, pan­els, and lec­tures with them. (We did not, how­ever, sleep with them, so they did receive a respite from us.) One of my favorite moments was hav­ing din­ner with Dorothy Alli­son and dis­cussing North Car­olina bar­be­cue, pol­i­tics, and adult nov­elty items, just like I was hav­ing lunch with a friend or one of my neighbors.

I wasn’t sure what to expect of my room­mate, Miguel. Judg­ing from his bio and blog, he seemed a tad seri­ous. I was con­cerned that he might not be able to tol­er­ate my silly ass, but we ended up get­ting along fine. In fact, we found out that we were the same age and had actu­ally lived, at times, in the same town grow­ing up. How weird is that? We could have been in the same movie the­ater or fast food place at the same time and never knew it. We got in the habit of hav­ing long con­ver­sa­tions in the morn­ing after we woke up. He kept shar­ing all these incred­i­ble mem­o­ries from his child­hood, and I’d say, “Miguel, that’s a story.” And then I’d see this light go on in his eyes and he’d real­ize it, too. Miguel is going to have an incred­i­ble book when he’s fin­ished, so be warned. It was so hard to say good­bye to him when it came time to leave.

It’s amaz­ing how quickly you bond with ten strangers over the course of a week. We not only spent time together in class, but at meals, and we’d fre­quently gather in the com­mon room. Christina explained British col­lo­qui­alisms to us, and we explained all the weird things about life in the United States: “New Orleans is in Louisiana, which is east of Texas.” “In the South, every car­bon­ated bev­er­age is referred to as a Coke.” “Water sports may refer to a num­ber of sports that involve water, such as ski­ing, kayak­ing, snor­kel­ing, or also be an euphemism for uri­nat­ing on a sex­ual part­ner.” Beth shared about oper­at­ing her own farm for a num­ber of years and home­school­ing her chil­dren. Brid­get is an artist and healer. AJ is an actor and singer. Nina pub­lishes zines. Rachel used to own a book­store. Lydia knows some­thing about every­thing. (She is a librar­ian.) And Annamee­kee, a high school Eng­lish teacher, and I were sep­a­rated at birth, because we had way too many freaky things in com­mon, which included know­ing the lyrics to Salt-N-Pepa’s “Do You Want Me.”

I must say that one of the rea­sons the retreat went so smoothly was due to the efforts of Tony Valen­zuela, Exec­u­tive Direc­tor, and Jenn Reese, Pro­gram Assis­tant for the Lambda Lit­er­ary Foun­da­tion. Any time you had a ques­tion or needed any­thing, they were always avail­able. I’ve never been taken bet­ter care of. We also had quite a few laughs, too.

There are a ton of mem­o­ries that I want to share, but space–and the need to sleep–prevent me from doing so. How­ever, there is one mem­ory that will always remain very spe­cial to me. On Wednes­day after­noon, AJ, Alex, Annamee­kee, and I drove one exit down from the cam­pus and vis­ited the J. Paul Getty Museum. (It was designed by Richard Meier, who also designed the High Museum here in Atlanta.) It’s a breath­tak­ing set of build­ings filled with lots of nat­ural light and open spaces and stun­ning works of art. I was espe­cially excited about view­ing the Herb Ritts exhibit, as he is one of my favorite pho­tog­ra­phers. While we walked through the museum, I kept look­ing around at AJ, Alex, and Annamee­kee, and I thought, This is one of those moments that I’ll remem­ber for the rest of my life. It was such a pow­er­ful feel­ing that I swear I could almost feel all of the mol­e­cules in my body vibrat­ing. Then I locked eyes with Annamee­kee and I knew exactly what she was think­ing: “Omigod, I’m totally at the Getty with Alex @#%*ing Sanchez and I’m look­ing at pic­tures of naked people!”

Jul 312012
 

Philoso­phers in the United States are in arms over the cast­ing in new inde­pen­dent film, Thinker­belle, released by You Go Girl! Productions.

Thinker­belle tells the story of Thom Tanker­s­ley, a bohemian drama major who trans­fers to Riverdale Uni­ver­sity and falls in love with phi­los­o­phy.  Kris Cul­lum, the actor who plays Thom, is openly gay.

U.S. philoso­phers take no issue that Cul­lum is gay; they are upset that a philoso­pher was not cast in the part.  “Name me one per­son who is the face of phi­los­o­phy today,” Dr. George Bundt of Texas Uni­ver­sity said.  “We need to see more open philo­soph­i­cal actors play­ing these parts.”

Cul­lum has stated that gay actors trump philo­soph­i­cal actors, like rock crush­ing scis­sors.  When asked at a press con­fer­ence if Pythago­ras was an inspi­ra­tion for him in this film, Cul­lum stated, “No.  I had that once, but the doc­tor gave me a shot of peni­cillin and it cleared up.”

When You Go Girl! Pro­duc­tions was asked for a com­ment, they replied, “We need to think about it.”

Jun 192012
 

Kissim­i­coochee LGBT com­mu­nity is in a pickle. It seems that the Gay Pride Com­mit­tee has lost track of when they sched­uled their first gay pride celebration.

The first gay pride cel­e­bra­tion, the Christo­pher Street Lib­er­a­tion Day, took place on June 28, 1970, one year after LGBT peo­ple rioted a police raid on a gay bar in New York City, the Stonewall Inn. Since that time, many gay pride cel­e­bra­tions are sched­uled for the last week­end in June.

The Kissim­i­coochee Gay Pride Com­mit­tee first met at Pinky’s Fierce Flamingo, the town’s sole gay bar, just out­side of town near the High­way 86 exit and Granny’s XXX Gift Shop and Truck Stop, last Sep­tem­ber to begin orga­niz­ing the festivities.

“We had orig­i­nally planned to sched­ule our event in Stonewall Jack­son Park on the Square for Sat­ur­day, June 23,” said Skip Bot­tom, half of the Topp-2-Botttom Realty Team with his part­ner, Tiger Topp. “But when we went to apply for a per­mit, the City informed us that Big Ethel Bap­tist had already booked the park for their annual Gospel Revival & Waf­fle Toss.”

The com­mit­tee con­sid­ered push­ing Pride back a week, but dis­cov­ered that another spe­cial inter­est group had already booked the park for June 30–Miss Loretta Barber’s Dance Stu­dio & Charm School’s Annual Water­melon Bal­let. “How could we pos­si­bly upstage those lit­tle girls?” Bot­tom said. “I mean, Tiger’s niece, Autumn Rose, is going to be one of the seeds that clogs her way out of the pink flesh, danced by the older girls.”

As the com­mit­tee explored other dates on the cal­en­dar, they noted that Kissim­i­coochee is filled with lots of spe­cial inter­est groups that reg­u­larly use the park for events: Coweta County Pig Farmer’s Mud Wrestling Com­pe­ti­tion, the South­ern Geor­gia Bar­ber Association’s Buzz-Off, One-Armed For­mer Gator Park Employ­ees’ Arm Wrestling Con­test, an attempt to get in the Gui­ness Book of Records for Eat­ing the World’s Largest Chicken-Fried Steak, and the car­ni­val to com­mem­o­rate the birth­day of Kissimicoochee’s own Head­less Mir­a­cle Chicken, Chopper.

“Through­out the year, we had a few boozy meet­ings where we decided on sev­eral alter­na­tive dates,” Bot­tom said. “How­ever, at our last meet­ing, we pan­icked when we real­ized that we didn’t write any of those dates down, until some­one found a cock­tail nap­kin in a stained file folder. It seems that we had decided on April 21, which had already past, and Decem­ber 29, which won’t work because it will be too cold to take your shirt off in the park–and you can’t cel­e­brate gay pride with a shirt on, even the ladies agree on that.”

Mar­i­anne Snow, Pres­i­dent of the Kissim­i­coochee Bap­tist Church’s Women’s Bible Brigade, has stated that she will per­son­ally use black elec­tri­cal to cover any­one who tries to put their nip­ples to the wind. “I know that these gay pride parades always attract top­less dykes on bikes, and I don’t think that’s appro­pri­ate for the chil­dren of our town to see,” Snow said. “Nip­ples should either be in a bra or a baby’s mouth–period.”

Bette “Butch” Bow­man, Kissimicoochee’s only les­bian, stated at a press con­fer­ence held in the liv­ing room of her trailer that she will not lead the gay pride parade, top­less, on her rid­ing lawn­mower, and since Snow had recently vis­ited her in the hos­pi­tal after her dou­ble mas­tec­tomy, she should know bet­ter than make such “crazy-ass statements.”

After an emer­gency meet­ing Fri­day night, the Kissim­i­coochee Gay Pride Com­mit­tee has accepted an offer from Eddie’s Dunk & Funk, a com­bi­na­tion gourmet dough­nut and used record store, to hold Gay Pride in the back park­ing lot. “Since there are only about eight LGBT peo­ple in town, we real­ized that there was no rea­son to book the whole park for our­selves,” Bot­tom said. “And we agreed that it was impor­tant to us to have our gay pride on Sat­ur­day, June 28, no mat­ter where it is Kissimicoochee.”

Bot­tom would like to remind Kissim­i­coochee that straight peo­ple are wel­come at Gay Pride, but glow sticks are mandatory.

Jun 182012
 

I once read a quote from Cher where she said that her reac­tion to her daugh­ter com­ing out to her as a les­bian was very un-Cher-like. It reminded me of a deci­sion that I had made when I was a young teenager that if any of my friends ever told me they were gay, I would be totally cool and sup­port­ive of them.

After I grad­u­ated from high school, my best friend, Kent, and I bought sea­sons passes to Six Flags Over Texas. We used to drive through the back coun­try roads from Burleson to Arling­ton to deter­mine which seat pro­vided the most excit­ing ride on each of the roller­coast­ers. One night as I pulled into Kent’s dri­ve­way to drop him off, he said he needed to talk to me, so I turned the engine off and gave him my full atten­tion. When Kent told me he was gay, I thought he was jok­ing. I thought all gay men lived in San Fran­cisco and dressed like Fred­die Mer­cury from Queen. Keep in mind that this was 1986, long before Will & Grace, and there weren’t many out celebrities.

Of course, my first reac­tion was denial. “Are you sure?” I asked. “I saw you make out with Jenni Sapp on her bed­room floor.”

“Yeah, I was try­ing to fig­ure it out if I really was gay or not, although Jenni is a great kisser,” he said.

“When did you know?”

“I’ve always known I was dif­fer­ent, but it wasn’t until I found out about gay peo­ple that I knew what I was.”

“Do you know any gay peo­ple?” I asked.

Remem­ber that guy J.D. I brought to the Rocky Hor­ror Pic­ture Show a few months ago?”

I nod­ded.

“We were dating.”

This threw me for a loop, because I thought Kent and I shared every­thing. “You were dat­ing? And you didn’t tell me?”

“I was still try­ing to fig­ure out if it was a phase.”

“Is it?”

“No, I’m sure I’m gay.”

In a blink of an eye, I then recalled so many clues that should have been obvi­ous to me that Kent was gay, maybe he had even be sub­con­sciously try­ing to get the mes­sage across to me. I remem­bered once when I was over at his house and he said that he hand found a Play­girl in his sister’s bed­room. He tossed it over in my lap, and motioned for me to open it. I thumbed through it and saw what I expected to see: Play­girl was sim­i­lar to Play­boy, except that it had pic­tures of nude men instead of naked women, and no one ever talked about read­ing Play­girl for the arti­cles. When I reached the end of the mag­a­zine, I handed it back to him. I looked at him, expect­ing some expla­na­tion as to why he asked me to peruse Play­girl, but he set it aside and changed the sub­ject. I shrugged it off and fig­ured that I was lucky enough to have a friend who was open-minded enough not to be self-conscious about look­ing through a Play­girl. In hind­sight, I was embar­rassed that I could have been so naive.

Sud­denly, the car seemed very small.  I couldn’t breathe.  My head spun, and then fear flooded me and  I went down that hor­ri­ble, un-Cher-like road and asked THE QUESTION: “You’re not attracted to me, are you?”

Kent closed his eyes and sighed. “No, I’m not attracted to you.”

I relaxed. I rolled down my win­dow.  I inhaled the cool, night air … and then I found myself offended. “Why aren’t you attracted to me?” I asked. “What’s wrong with me?”

Kent let out a long, labored sigh, like an exhausted beach ball throw­ing itself onto a Ginsu knife.  He explained that I was his best friend, there­fore, it would be like incest to think of me in that way.

I mulled this over.  I was both relieved and mor­ti­fied, as I was reminded of how cool I had planned to be in this moment, if it had ever hap­pened.  Some­how, I felt I had dis­ap­pointed both Kent and myself.  Still, con­sid­er­ing my age and lack of train­ing, had I done so bad?  I had been about as pre­pared to have my best friend come out to me as I had been to medi­ate a hostage cri­sis, yet I had done the best I could.  It seemed that I needed to make amends for my rough start, so I relied on the one thing Kent and I had orig­i­nally bonded over–an absurd sense of humor.

“Now that you’re gay, I hope that you’ll still be my friend,” I said.  “But if you don’t feel com­fort­able with that, I’ll understand.”

Kent laughed.  I laughed.  If Cher had been there, I think she would have laughed and maybe sang “Gyp­sies, Tramps and Thieves.”  I had no idea how Kent’s con­fes­sion would change my life.  It was like always expect­ing that I’d travel to Walla Walla, Wash­ing­ton, and then end­ing up in Pismo Beach.  Kent would intro­duce me to many strange and inter­est­ing peo­ple.  He’d teach me to two-step in a gay coun­try & west­ern bar.  Most of all, I learned that no mat­ter how dif­fer­ent other peo­ple may seem to be from me, if you’re will­ing to be patient, you’ll soon see that we’re actu­ally very much the same.