After reading that the London Olympics Organizing Committee is giving out a record 150,000 condoms for use during the 2012 Olympics, I feel it’s my responsibility to give the athletes some advice on behavior to avoid, so they can actually use those multi-colored rubbers.
01. Alcohol and the Olympic torch have always been a recipe for disaster. (Google Leroy Huckleberry and the Great Fire of Anniston, Alabama that burned down the Foxy Lady Lounge in 1988.)
02. Swimmers who wear their goggles to bed. (No one likes to feel like their being shagged by a creature from the deep–not even from behind.)
03. Fencers who use their foil or sabre to carve their digits into the torso of a potential partner. (Bloody hell! … literally).
04. Never assume that just because a table tennis player uses a paddle (racket), doesn’t mean he’s into spanking. (Ask some probing questions to feel him out, like what he thinks about corporal punishment.)
05. Just because you spike a ball on the volleyball court, doesn’t mean you should spike his balls in the bedroom. (FOUL!)
06. It’s best not to try to mount an equestrian in the same way that you mount the pommel horse (especially if you haven’t introduced yourself).
07. Don’t joke about him having a javelin in his pocket or being happy to see you. (You might be right on both accounts, but you’ve blown your chance with a corny cliche.)
08. Just because a synchronized swimmer stands on her head in the deep end of the pool, doesn’t mean that you need to let your imagination run away with you. (She has remarkable lung capacity, not necessarily control over her gag reflex.)
09. Share the pics that you took with your mobile phone of you getting down with the Olympic mascot in a hot and heavy furry action. (And remember, it’s not just on Facebook, it’s FOREVER.)
10. Former Olympic athletes who thrash around on the dance floor of the discotheque and bruise their neighbors with the gold, silver, and/or bronze medals they’re wearing around their necks. (Hello, color me desperate!)