Police Arrest Public Official in Peep® Show Raid

 Fetish, Food, Holidays, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Mar 262013
 

Marshmallow Peep ShowKissim­i­coochee Police arrested Griff B. Slagel, 52, the Food Sales Licens­ing Coor­di­na­tor for Cracker County, when they raided the Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge Sat­ur­day night dur­ing an ille­gal Peep® Show.

When police entered the estab­lish­ment, they found sev­eral female per­form­ers danc­ing while wear­ing noth­ing but strate­gi­cally placed marsh­mal­low Peeps® on their per­son, and Slagel nib­bling the ears off a pink marsh­mal­low bunny nes­tled between a female employee’s legs.  Slagel attempted to swal­low the evi­dence, but police suc­cess­fully force him to purge the evi­dence into a plas­tic bag.

Police Chief Ed Potts, 44, reported it is ille­gal to dance naked with live or images of ani­mals in Kissim­i­coochee, as well as col­or­ing pubic hair to resem­ble plas­tic Easter grass.

Slagel issued a state­ment this morn­ing, stat­ing he had vis­ited the Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge for a rou­tine inspec­tion and taste test and, in fact, had done noth­ing wrong.  His wife issued her own state­ment shortly after­wards, say­ing, “His ass is Easter grass when I get my hands on him.”

Ms. Amber Jean Hens­ley, 22, a per­former at Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge has sold her story to Cut Bait or Fish mag­a­zine and will fea­ture in a photo spread in the sum­mer issue, just as soon as the green dye fades from her nether regions.

Mean­while, Just Born, the candy man­u­fac­turer of marsh­mal­low Peeps® plans to sue the own­ers of the Live Nude Girls & Bait Lounge for defamation.

So far, Kissim­i­coochee cit­i­zens have expressed out­rage at the the ille­gal Peep® Show.

““It is a sin to waste a per­fectly good Peep® when chil­dren are starv­ing in Africa,” said Imo­gene Teller, 68, a cashier at the Pig­gly Wig­gly, “besides that, yel­low sugar chafes the thighs some­thing fierce, too.”

““I can­not con­done such irre­spon­si­ble behav­ior from adults in our com­mu­nity,” said Christie Ful­bright, 25, a den­tal hygien­ist and mother of two.  “I’ve already been to the emer­gency room twice this year to have objects removed from my son’s nasal cav­i­ties; I don’t need any­one else giv­ing him ideas of where to stick things.”

““I sure hope this scan­dal won’t cause them to lose their bait license,” said Leroy Haas, 49, a ware­house worker at the Stonewall Grits Com­pany, “because they have the best prices on night crawlers in the county.”

Dominatrix Club for Southern Ladies to Close

 Fetish, Humor, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Mar 122013
 

DominatrixThe Kissim­i­coochee Dom­i­na­trix Club for South­ern Ladies will close at the end of the month.  “I really thought Coweta County could use a bit of dis­ci­pline, but you just can’t beat the good man­ners out of a south­ern lady,” said owner Lotta Payne.

““When I saw BDSM, I thought it was a class on toi­let train­ing for chil­dren,” said Mary Ellen Bar­tow, 27, a for­mer con­ve­nience store clerk and stay-at-home mom.  “When I went to the first class and Ms. Payne said we were going to dis­ci­pline a sub, I thought to myself, I won­der what that sand­wich done?”

Beyond igno­rance, Ms. Payne said that many of her stu­dents were con­cerned about being per­ceived as too agres­sive or manly.  “I tried to show the girls that a dom­i­na­trix can flog a man and still main­tain her fem­i­nin­ity, but they just couldn’t seem to grasp it.”

““I tried,” said Erma Fuller, 48, church organ­ist and home­maker.  “I’m will­ing to cane a man, if that’s what he wants, but my mama would kill me if I didn’t offer him a glass of iced tea and some peach cob­bler first.  Ater all, a man can’t be be humil­i­ated on an empty stomach.”

Ms. Payne does give props to her stu­dents in one area, though.  “They were real atten­tive dur­ing my lec­tures on safety and clean­ing equipment.”

““I’m always inter­ested to hear how to remove blood stains,” said Jolene John­son, 36, a book keeper for Yee-Hawl Mov­ing & Stor­age.  “What mother isn’t?”

Still, Ms. Payne has no regrets.  “I gave it a shot, but I know when to stop beat­ing a dead horse.  I stopped the whip­pin’ before it whipped me.”

The Kissim­i­coochee Dom­i­na­trix Club for South­ern Ladies will be replaced by Miss Grace’s Charm School for Girls, which will open in early April.

Club Oui Oui Provides Affirmation & Water Sports

 Fetish, Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Aug 072012
 

Carol Tim­mons never expected to meet her soul­mate when she attended a self-empowerment work­shop two years ago.  “As a woman, it was ingrained in me to put the needs of oth­ers before my own that I just kept attract­ing men who per­pet­u­ated that behav­ior,” said Tim­mons.  “I just kept say­ing yes to every­one else and no to myself.”

At the meet­ing, Tim­mons was part­nered with Bob Kusher for a few exer­cises.  “Bob seemed like a nice guy, but I wasn’t imme­di­ately attracted to him until we did a val­i­da­tion exer­cise where we to look within our­selves and ask what we truly wanted and then share it with our part­ner,” Tim­mons said.  “I looked in my soul and real­ized that I wanted to travel to France.  Spit­ting those words, how­ever, was like pulling teeth.  Bob just told me to take my time.  When I finally choked the words out, he smiled at me and said, ‘Carol, you deserve to go to France.’  I imme­di­ately knew I wanted to have his baby.”

Kusher also felt a mutual attrac­tion.  “I noticed right off the bat that Carol was a real looker, but I’d been taken advan­tage of by a pretty face in the past, so I was wary,” Kusher said.  “When I looked within for the exer­cise, I was shocked at what I found.  In fact, I was afraid to share my desire with any­one, but Carol was so warm and assur­ing that finally I just said, ‘I want some­one to pee on me.’  Carol smiled at me and said, ‘Bob, you deserved to be peed on.’  And I knew I was in love.”

After the work­shop, Tim­mons and Kusher went out for cof­fee and have been together ever since.  They began study­ing French and trav­eled to Paris where Bob pro­posed to Carol in the bath­room of a French bistro.  “Bob said, ‘If you want to marry me, pee on me.  If you don’t, then just walk away and leave me high and dry,’” Tim­mons said.  “Nat­u­rally, I said yes, but it was so hard to pee on him.  I had him lie in the floor and squat­ted over him and I had to say, “Stop look­ing at me; I’m try­ing to pee on you!”

Even­tu­ally, they decided to open Club Oui Oui, a safe space where peo­ple can come to receive affir­ma­tion and to be uri­nated on.  “There’s so much neg­a­tiv­ity in this world,” Kusher said.  “So, I think peo­ple really crave a place where they can say, ‘I want to explore my poten­tial for being a nude clown on a uni­cy­cle,’ and we respond with an enthu­si­as­tic YES!”

When asked if they see a spike in traf­fic at Club Oui Oui, Tim­mons replied that the win­ter months are the best for busi­ness.  “I think it’s because urine is warm.”