Example: Jerkob went from Amish to Shamish when he appeared in the MTV reality show Pimp My Horse and Buggy and began wearing clothing with zippers.
Can you use Shamish in a sentence?
Katherine O’Reilley , 35, seems like any other stay-at-home mom, except that after she sends her kids off to school and her husband to the office, she logs onto her dominatrix blog, Kat-O-Nine-Tails.com. “For anyone who’s ever tried to get a two-year-old to go to sleep at night, there is certainly a sense of loss of control,” says O’Reilley, who is also known as Mistress Mommy. “What I love about being a dominatrix is that for a few hours a day, I can say, ‘No more Ms. Nice Mommy–down on your knees, @#%*!’”
Mistress Mommy is one of many female dominants who are married with children and taking the Internet by storm: Dommy Bloggers.
““It’s not a sex thing,” said Gina Nicely, 35, domina, President of the PTA, and woman-in-charge at DomMom.com. “I just crave having my voice heard for a few minutes everyday. If I tell a submissive to pour the milk with both hands or else, he heeds my words, unlike my kids.”
Some dommy bloggers explore their fantasies only in safe text on their websites, while others have brought their fun home. “The best thing I ever did was turn the nursery into a dungeon for company,” said Jill Smallwood, 39, a former marketing analyst and dommy blogger at DommyMayI.com. She connects with adult submissives on the World Wide Web and invites them over for a long lunch hour of humiliation, followed by milk and homemade cookies.
““Oh, doctors and lawyers make the best bottoms,” said Nicely. “It seems like anyone with a job that carries a lot of responsibility just loves to be spanked.”
““My mother totally got off on disciplining us when we were kids,” said Margot Wynn, 41, a former investment banker and current fair-haired mistress at Blondage.com. “Nowadays, if you look at your kid wrong, someone calls DFCS, so it helps to be able to take it out on another consenting adult. I joke that I’ve gone from banking to spanking.”
Nicely enjoys helping other Dommy Bloggers learn the ropes through helpful tips on her blog. “Believe it or not, my most popular post is about shopping for leather catsuits at thrift stores and demonstrating how to let them out,” she said. “I can still blog about what appeals to me as a mom, yet also as a female top. One minute I might write about gassy babies with flatulence, and the next I’m writing about disciplining attorneys with flagellation.”
All the dommies agreed that they have balanced their dominant side with their maternal side. “The only awkward moment I’ve experienced was at a birthday party for one of my son’s classmates. My son wanted a second cupcake, and I told him to ask, ‘May I have another, mistress?’ The hostess gave us a strange look and we weren’t invited back to the party this year.”
Mitt Romney, candidate for the 2012 Republican Party presidential nomination, will undergo gender reassignment surgery to narrow the gender gap. “I just decided that if I really wanted to connect with female voters, I literally needed to walk in their high-heeled shoes,” Romney said.
When asked if he felt that a sex change would alienate male conservatives, Romney replied, “I don’t think so. I’ve just picked out my breast implants and I think the boys are really going to be pleased with my decision.”
Some female critics have asked exactly how this will change Romney’s stance on women’s reproductive rights, since he won’t actually have any working parts. Militant feminist Hermyn Kane approached Romney in a restaurant and posed this question to him. His response? “Beef. No, wait a minute–chicken, yeah, that’s it.”
Kane joked that after perhaps after Romney complets his vaginoplasty, it may help with his problematic image as a flip-flopper on issues, since he won’t have anything left to flip-flop around.
Just when it appeared that Mitt Romney has the Republican party’s nomination for President of the United States in 2012 wrapped up, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy has surpassed him to become the front runner in the GOP Presidential Primary.
Ridiculously Photogenic guy, a New Yorker by the name of Zeddie Little, has become an Internet sensation after amateur photographer Will King randomly took his picture while Little ran in the Cooper Bridge Run 10K race in Charleston, South Carolina. King posted the image to his Flickr account, where a friend dubbed Little “Mr. Ridiculously Photogenic” and Little’s visage went viral. However, no one can really explain why.
“He has such a nice smile. It’s so hopeful,” said Melody Meadows, 27, a dental hygienist from Franklin, Tennessee. “Boy, what I wouldn’t give to clean his teeth …”
“It’s the hair, dude,” said Joe Lunquist, 23, a Dough Boy at Uncle Vinnie’s Pizzaria in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. “Any man who can run a 10K and still have every hair in place is the kind of guy I know I can count on to stay cool in a crisis.”
“God, what I wouldn’t give to be his sweaty jockstrap,” said Tyler Kerr, 32, a personal trainer and gay porn actor from Des Moines, Iowa. “Any man I’d be willing to let set on my face and wiggle has my vote.”
With support like this, it’s no surprise that someone would nominate him to run in the Republican primary. Even though Little did not register months ago, Republicans have been keen on bending the rules for Little. “Just look at that face,” said Selma Dobbs, 52, a retired feral poodle tamer. “How could you not want to see that smile in the White House?”
Anonymous sources have established a Super Pac for Little’s race, whimsically called The Fanny Pac.
“Call me crazy,” said Ed Wojoski, 49, a political pundit from Pueblo, Colorado. “But I think this guy may be able to pull in 1,144 delegate votes at the Republican National Convention.”
So far, there’s no word from Ridiculously Photogenic Guy as to whether or not he will run for President of the United States. Sources close to Little say that his main focus at this time is to break into the public relations industry and to successfully put together a book shelf from IKEA, using only the Swedish instructions.
What do you think, readers? Can a Ridiculously Photogenic Guy win the election to be President of the United States?
Celebrity Buddhist Judi Carlisle wants the Buddha to get up and move his butt. “I’m as objective as the next Buddhist,” Carlisle said, “but I believe that with the obesity problem in the United States it’s difficult to motivate tubby Americans to walk away from the all-you-can-eat steakhouse, pick up a lotus, and gold leaf the Buddha when he has a sizable booty himself.”
Carlisle is best known for her role in the B-Movie Piece of My Heart, which is about star-crossed lovers trapped by a hurricane in a leper colony infiltrated by the undead and was advertised with the tag line: “Zombies are everywhere–literally.” She went on to achieve further fame with a poorly lit sex tape, a $500-per-day cocaine habit, and a wardrobe malfunction at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. She soon found herself blacklisted in Hollywood, but then discovered salvation in Buddhism and strawberry-seaweed smoothies.
Having recently lost 20 lbs., Carlisle opened her eyes in meditation one day and noticed the love handles on the Buddha. “I thought to myself, ‘He can’t be happy carrying that extra weight around.’”
Fellow Buddhists and Carlisle’s critics claim that she’s missing the point of enlightenment and she shoud wake up and smell the incense.
Carlisle remains steadfast in her belief. “Oh, right! Don’t look at my fat ass because I’m spiritual and perfect. I know on the inside he’s thinking, ‘One day I’d really like to wear hot pants.’ That’s how I felt, too.”
The former B-movie starlet believes that Buddha needs a new image. “Come on, they’ve rebranded everyone from Mr. Clean to Betty Crocker. Why can’t Buddha get an update? I picture him as sporty, yet casual–definitely more active, perhaps with a goatee and a cowboy hat.”
This morning, MiMi Tate, 22, an office temp and devout Buddhist, attempted to self-immolate herself in protest in front of Carlisle’s home while dressed as a birthday cake. “I was on a my lunch break from a job standing outside a bakery and waving to passersby,” Tate said. However, whenever she lit herself, pedestrians kept blowing her candles out.
Other critics have attributed Carlisle’s attempt to slim down the Buddha as a publicity stunt to get viewers to tune in to her new reality TV show, Judi in the Lotus Position, where Carlisle meditates on camera with her eyes closed for 22 minutes. Early reviews have described the show in one word: boring.
In response to recent interest in legislating women’s reproductive rights by certain male politicians, Senator Cora Mae Buttes of Cornhole, TX proposed a climax tax bill in the U.S. Senate today. The bill would impose a tax on men who have an orgasm in anything other than procreative sex.
““The United States has become the Sodom and Gomorrah of North America,” Senator Buttes said. “It’s time that we clamped down on recreational sex, literally.” Senator Buttes help up a tiny clamp that resembled a small bear trap. Every man in the U.S. would be required to wear one of these devices on his nether regions. A computer chip would recognize when the man climaxed outside of a vagina and snap on his penis, while wirelessly notifying the IRS to send a bill to the gentleman.
““Just think of how much semen in this country is wasted on nocturnal emission, chronic masturbation, sex outside of marriage, or in the back of a SUV with a tranny hooker,” Senator Buttes said. “In addition to reducing unwanted pregnancies and welfare recipients, we could pay off the national deficit within six months.”
At this point, Senator Willie Long from Gnarly Nut, Mississippi stood up and ejactulated, “Madame, keep your hands off my body!”
Senator Buttes smiled and said, “Exactly my point, Senator.”
Marcy Miller, 28, a business analyst for Acme Widgets assaulted her co-worker, Brandon Parker, 34, also a business analyst last week. Parker was taken to Parkland Hospital in Dallas to have his jaw re-alligned from injuries received from the fish, which was still frozen.
Miller told police officers that she struck Parker with the salmon because his habit of swallowing live goldfish–not the Pepperidge Farm variety–at his desk got on her nerves. “It was so distracting to hear those slurping sounds all-day long,” Miller said. “After a goldfish flew over the cubicle wall and landed on my report I started to hear little fish screams, so while I was picking up a sub at the Kroger deli, I saw the salmon and decided to act for all the little goldfish he had swallowed.”
Parker, who had no idea that his snack habits bothered his co-worker, said that he developed a taste for goldfish while in college. “One of my frat brothers mentioned that dudes used to swallow live goldfish back in his grandfather’s college days, so we decided to try it. It takes some getting used to, but if you throw your head back and drop them straight down your throat, you can eat them without much flapping around.”
Colleen Foster, 52, the Human Resources Director, said that Acme Widgets does not have a company policy about consuming live animals in the workplace, but will consider this for the next revision of the employee handbook. In the meantime, Miller and Parker’s supervisor plans to move one of them to the other side of the department.
Parker said that he didn’t plan to press charges against Miller or Widgets, but mentioned that he would consider suing the company if policy was changed to prohibit the swallowing of live goldfish at the office. “Dude, they’re high protein and you can buy them at Wal-Mart for ten goldfish for a dollar.”
The Atlanta Police Department (APD) arrested Jerry Eggers, a 28-year-old artist specializing in works made from hemp, for kidnapping Alvin Mortimer, 42, a little person, on his way home from working a gig at Enya’s Bordello, an edgy Irish pub in East Atlanta Village.
Mortimer reported that Eggers confronted him at the corner of Flat Shoals Avenue and Metropolitan and demanded to be taken to his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Mortimer was still dressed as a leprechaun at the time, which ties into a weeklong St. Patrick’s Day promotion at Enya’s Bordello. “I don’t know what that idiot was on, but he was certainly high,” said Mortimer.
According to the APD report, Eggers mistakenly believed that the legendary pot of gold that leprechauns kept at the end of the rainbow is of the canabis variety. Eggers was quoted as saying, “Give me the little funny cigarettes made by the little funny people.”
When Mortimer explained that he was neither a leprechaun or possessed any marijuana, Eggers became agitated. He tied Mortimer to the back of his moped and drove to Grant Park, where he managed to haul Mortimer over the fence of Zoo Atlanta.
Eggers told Mortimer that he was going to lower him into the aligator pit unless he revealed the locatio of his pot of gold. By the time the APD arrived, they found Eggers repeatedly casting and reeling in mortimer with a fishing pole in the flamingos display, admist a cloud of pink feathers.
Police officers quickly apprehended Eggers and freed Mortimer, who required treatment for flamingo exposure. The ER staff at Grady Hospital pumped 16 oz. of flamingo feathers from Mortimer’s stomach. “It was like he ate part of a Vegas showgirl,” said Dr. William Chan.
Eggers is currently being held downtown to await sentencing. A blood test revealed an excessively high level of alcohol and canabis in his system, as well as an extreme amount of Mentos.
Mortimer, has quit his job at Enya’s Bordello and is now collaborating with Zoo Atlanta on a special high-diving act in the flamingo exhibit.
Professor Theodor Dresden of Wienerschnitzel University in New Braunfels, Texas has published a startling theory about climate change in the local edition of the Thrifty Nickel. Smack dab between references to John 3:16 and a listing for a slightly used trombone, Professor Dresden revealed that the true cause of global warming was not human-induced greenhouse gases, but in fact garden gnomes.
These ceramic or plastic replicas of small earth sprites, usually with beards and pointy hats, are raising temperatures on the planet due to the sun bouncing off the small statues’ reflective paint, thereby raising temperatures faster than trees are falling in the rainforests on the planet via a process referred to as global gnoming.
““People think garden gnomes are cute, but they are mistaken,” said Professor Dresden. “Every time they buy one, they are killing Mother Earth. You might as well as God to aim His big hairdryer on mother earth and drown all the poloar bears.”
Recently arrested for stealing a garden gnome from the front yard of his neighbor, Professor Dresden claims that global gnoming is heating the world up even faster due to the fad of taking one’s garden gnome to the beach, which raises the temperature even faster.
Professor Dresden has recently started a Kickstarter campaign to raise 2 billion dollars to build a rocket to carry all of the garden gnomes on Earth into orbit.
Rose Wiggins, 63, Professor Dresden’s, said, “This is all a crock. If I don’t see my garden gnome back under my hummingbird feeder by tomorrow morning, she’s going to hobble over to his house tomorrow morning and break his kneecaps with her walking stick.”
Professor Dresden’s office had no comment.
It used to be that we were judged by the friends we keep. As our social life has moved online, now we are judged by the key word searches that lead to our profiles and websites. Therefore, I decided to see what words lead to my blog and find out who I really am. The words, to put it mildly, are shocking:
01. DeForest Kelley Gay — Evidently I’m not the only one who thought Mr. Kelley was gay after seeing that scarf tied around his neck. See Exhibit A here.
02. Greek Sex — I’m sure those searching for randy Greeks were disappointed when they clicked on the link to this blog post.
03. Wham Last Christmas — I had no idea how popular this song was–even beyond the holiday season–until I wrote about this song here.
04. Hobby Joggers — I wasn’t sure what a hobby jogger was, but it does, indeed, lead to my blog. Here’s the proof!
05. Frozen Baby — Why are people searching for frozen babies? Hopefully, they’re not looking for a “how to” article, but something lighter like this.
06. Pointing Fingers at Each Other — I don’t normally like to point fingers, but evidently I wrote about it back on May 12.
07. How to Get Kidnapped — I’m not sure why people want to learn to be kidnapped, but I did write about my friend Trixie’s attempt to be kidnapping back when it was all the rage to be kidnapped in East Atlanta Village. You can read about it here.
08. Mormon World Domination — This is one instance where I hope people are taking anything that I write on this blog too seriously. Here’s an example.
09. Kim Wilde’s Boobs — I don’t recall writing about Kim’s breasts, specifically, but a lot of people are searching for them. Perhaps I ought to write her a letter. You can double-check me here.
10. Guard Dog Names — I think this post proves that I cannot be accused of giving something back to the world. If I can prevent one person from naming their guard dog Gumdrop, then on my death bed I can relax, knowing that my life had a purpose.