Ridiculously Photogenic Guy Becomes Front Runner in GOP Presidential Primary

 Celebrities, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Social Media, Tall Tale Tuesdays  2 Responses »
Apr 102012
 

Just when it appeared that Mitt Rom­ney has the Repub­li­can party’s nom­i­na­tion for Pres­i­dent of the United States in 2012 wrapped up, Ridicu­lously Pho­to­genic Guy has sur­passed him to become the front run­ner in the GOP Pres­i­den­tial Primary.

Ridicu­lously Pho­to­genic guy, a New Yorker by the name of Zed­die Lit­tle, has become an Inter­net sen­sa­tion after ama­teur pho­tog­ra­pher Will King ran­domly took his pic­ture while Lit­tle ran in the Cooper Bridge Run 10K race in Charleston, South Car­olina.  King posted the image to his Flickr account, where a friend dubbed Lit­tle “Mr. Ridicu­lously Pho­to­genic” and Little’s vis­age went viral.  How­ever, no one can really explain why.

“He has such a nice smile.  It’s so hope­ful,” said Melody Mead­ows, 27, a den­tal hygien­ist from Franklin, Ten­nessee.  “Boy, what I wouldn’t give to clean his teeth …”

“It’s the hair, dude,” said Joe Lun­quist, 23, a Dough Boy at Uncle Vinnie’s Piz­zaria in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  “Any man who can run a 10K and still have every hair in place is the kind of guy I know I can count on to stay cool in a crisis.”

“God, what I wouldn’t give to be his sweaty jock­strap,” said Tyler Kerr, 32, a per­sonal trainer and gay porn actor from Des Moines, Iowa. “Any man I’d be will­ing to let set on my face and wig­gle has my vote.”

With sup­port like this, it’s no sur­prise that some­one would nom­i­nate him to run in the Repub­li­can pri­mary.  Even though Lit­tle did not reg­is­ter months ago, Repub­li­cans have been keen on bend­ing the rules for Lit­tle.  “Just look at that face,” said Selma Dobbs, 52, a retired feral poo­dle tamer.  “How could you not want to see that smile in the White House?”

Anony­mous sources have estab­lished a Super Pac for Little’s race, whim­si­cally called The Fanny Pac.

“Call me crazy,” said Ed Wojoski, 49, a polit­i­cal pun­dit from Pueblo, Col­orado.  “But I think this guy may be able to pull in 1,144 del­e­gate votes at the Repub­li­can National Convention.”

So far, there’s no word from Ridicu­lously Pho­to­genic Guy as to whether or not he will run for Pres­i­dent of the United States.  Sources close to Lit­tle say that his main focus at this time is to break into the pub­lic rela­tions indus­try and to suc­cess­fully put together a book shelf from IKEA, using only the Swedish instructions.

What do you think, read­ers?  Can a Ridicu­lously Pho­to­genic Guy win the elec­tion to be Pres­i­dent of the United States?

Is the Buddha's Booty Too Big?

 Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Religion, Self-Help, Spirituality, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Apr 032012
 

Celebrity Bud­dhist Judi Carlisle wants the Bud­dha to get up and move his butt. “I’m as objec­tive as the next Bud­dhist,” Carlisle said, “but I believe that with the obe­sity prob­lem in the United States it’s dif­fi­cult to moti­vate tubby Amer­i­cans to walk away from the all-you-can-eat steak­house, pick up a lotus, and gold leaf the Bud­dha when he has a siz­able booty himself.”

Carlisle is best known for her role in the B-Movie Piece of My Heart, which is about star-crossed  lovers trapped by a hur­ri­cane in a leper colony infil­trated by the undead and was adver­tised with the tag line:  “Zom­bies are everywhere–literally.”  She went on to achieve fur­ther fame with a poorly lit sex tape, a $500-per-day cocaine habit, and a wardrobe mal­func­tion at the Nick­elodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.  She soon found her­self black­listed in Hol­ly­wood, but then dis­cov­ered sal­va­tion in Bud­dhism and strawberry-seaweed smoothies.

Hav­ing recently lost 20 lbs., Carlisle opened her eyes in med­i­ta­tion one day and noticed the love han­dles on the Bud­dha.  “I thought to myself, ‘He can’t be happy car­ry­ing that extra weight around.’”

Fel­low Bud­dhists and Carlisle’s crit­ics claim that she’s miss­ing the point of enlight­en­ment and she shoud wake up and smell the incense.

Carlisle remains stead­fast in her belief.  “Oh, right!  Don’t look at my fat ass because I’m spir­i­tual and per­fect.  I know on the inside he’s think­ing, ‘One day I’d really like to wear hot pants.’  That’s how I felt, too.”

The for­mer B-movie star­let believes that Bud­dha needs a new image.  “Come on, they’ve rebranded every­one from Mr. Clean to Betty Crocker.  Why can’t Bud­dha get an update?  I pic­ture him as sporty, yet casual–definitely more active, per­haps with a goa­tee and a cow­boy hat.”

This morn­ing, MiMi Tate, 22, an office temp and devout Bud­dhist, attempted to self-immolate her­self in protest in front of Carlisle’s home while dressed as a birth­day cake.  “I was on a my lunch break from a job stand­ing out­side a bak­ery and wav­ing to passersby,”  Tate said.  How­ever, when­ever she lit her­self, pedes­tri­ans kept blow­ing her can­dles out.

Other crit­ics have attrib­uted Carlisle’s attempt to slim down the Bud­dha as a pub­lic­ity stunt to get view­ers to tune in to her new real­ity TV show, Judi in the Lotus Posi­tion, where Carlisle med­i­tates on cam­era with her eyes closed for 22 min­utes.  Early reviews have described the show in one word: boring.

Female Senator Proposes Climax Tax on Men

 Gender, Humor, Men's Interest, News of the Weird, Parody, Politics, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Mar 272012
 

In response to recent inter­est in leg­is­lat­ing women’s repro­duc­tive rights by cer­tain male politi­cians, Sen­a­tor Cora Mae Buttes of Corn­hole, TX pro­posed a cli­max tax bill in the U.S. Sen­ate today.  The bill would impose a tax on men who have an orgasm in any­thing other than pro­cre­ative sex.

““The United States has become the Sodom and Gomor­rah of North Amer­ica,” Sen­a­tor Buttes said.  “It’s time that we clamped down on recre­ational sex, lit­er­ally.”  Sen­a­tor Buttes help up a tiny clamp that resem­bled a small bear trap.  Every man in the U.S. would be required to wear one of these devices on his nether regions.  A com­puter chip would rec­og­nize when the man cli­maxed out­side of a vagina and snap on his penis, while wire­lessly noti­fy­ing the IRS to send a bill to the gentleman.

““Just think of how much semen in this coun­try is wasted on noc­tur­nal emis­sion, chronic mas­tur­ba­tion, sex out­side of mar­riage, or in the back of a SUV with a tranny hooker,” Sen­a­tor Buttes said.  “In addi­tion to reduc­ing unwanted preg­nan­cies and wel­fare recip­i­ents, we could pay off the national deficit within six months.”

At this point, Sen­a­tor Willie Long from Gnarly Nut, Mis­sis­sippi stood up and ejac­tu­lated, “Madame, keep your hands off my body!”

Sen­a­tor Buttes smiled and said, “Exactly my point, Senator.”

 Posted by at 7:00 am

Woman Smacks Co-Worker with Salmon for Snacking on Goldfish at His Desk

 Animals, Humor, Jobs, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Work  2 Responses »
Mar 202012
 

Marcy Miller, 28, a busi­ness ana­lyst for Acme Wid­gets assaulted her co-worker, Bran­don Parker, 34, also a busi­ness ana­lyst last week.  Parker was taken to Park­land Hos­pi­tal in Dal­las to have his jaw re-alligned from injuries received from the fish, which was still frozen.

Miller told police offi­cers that she struck Parker with the salmon because his habit of swal­low­ing live goldfish–not the Pep­peridge Farm variety–at his desk got on her nerves.  “It was so dis­tract­ing to hear those slurp­ing sounds all-day long,” Miller said.  “After a gold­fish flew over the cubi­cle wall and landed on my report I started to hear lit­tle fish screams, so while I was pick­ing up a sub at the Kroger deli, I saw the salmon and decided to act for all the lit­tle gold­fish he had swallowed.”

Parker, who had no idea that his snack habits both­ered his co-worker, said that he devel­oped a taste for gold­fish while in col­lege.  “One of my frat broth­ers men­tioned that dudes used to swal­low live gold­fish back in his grandfather’s col­lege days, so we decided to try it.  It takes some get­ting used to, but if you throw your head back and drop them straight down your throat, you can eat them with­out much flap­ping around.”

Colleen Fos­ter, 52, the Human Resources Direc­tor, said that Acme Wid­gets does not have a com­pany pol­icy about con­sum­ing live ani­mals in the work­place, but will con­sider this for the next revi­sion of the employee hand­book.  In the mean­time, Miller and Parker’s super­vi­sor plans to move one of them to the other side of the department.

Parker said that he didn’t plan to press charges against Miller or Wid­gets, but men­tioned that he would con­sider suing the com­pany if pol­icy was changed to pro­hibit the swal­low­ing of live gold­fish at the office.  “Dude, they’re high pro­tein and you can buy them at Wal-Mart for ten gold­fish for a dollar.”

High Artist Kidnaps Leprechaun Impersonator and Demands His Pot of Gold

 Animals, Crime, East Atlanta Village, Holidays, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Mar 132012
 

The Atlanta Police Depart­ment (APD) arrested Jerry Eggers, a 28-year-old artist spe­cial­iz­ing in works made from hemp, for kid­nap­ping Alvin Mor­timer, 42, a lit­tle per­son, on his way home from work­ing a gig at Enya’s Bor­dello, an edgy Irish pub in East Atlanta Village.

Mor­timer reported that Eggers con­fronted him at the cor­ner of Flat Shoals Avenue and Met­ro­pol­i­tan and demanded to be taken to his pot of gold at the end of the rain­bow. Mor­timer was still dressed as a lep­rechaun at the time, which ties into a week­long St. Patrick’s Day pro­mo­tion at Enya’s Bor­dello. “I don’t know what that idiot was on, but he was cer­tainly high,” said Mortimer.

Accord­ing to the APD report, Eggers mis­tak­enly believed that the leg­endary pot of gold that lep­rechauns kept at the end of the rain­bow is of the can­abis vari­ety. Eggers was quoted as say­ing, “Give me the lit­tle funny cig­a­rettes made by the lit­tle funny people.”

When Mor­timer explained that he was nei­ther a lep­rechaun or pos­sessed any mar­i­juana, Eggers became agi­tated. He tied Mor­timer to the back of his moped and drove to Grant Park, where he man­aged to haul Mor­timer over the fence of Zoo Atlanta.

Eggers told Mor­timer that he was going to lower him into the ali­ga­tor pit unless he revealed the loca­tio of his pot of gold. By the time the APD arrived, they found Eggers repeat­edly cast­ing and reel­ing in mor­timer with a fish­ing pole in the flamin­gos dis­play, admist a cloud of pink feathers.

Police offi­cers quickly appre­hended Eggers and freed Mor­timer, who required treat­ment for flamingo expo­sure. The ER staff at Grady Hos­pi­tal pumped 16 oz. of flamingo feath­ers from Mortimer’s stom­ach. “It was like he ate part of a Vegas show­girl,” said Dr. William Chan.

Eggers is cur­rently being held down­town to await sen­tenc­ing. A blood test revealed an exces­sively high level of alco­hol and can­abis in his sys­tem, as well as an extreme amount of Mentos.

Mor­timer, has quit his job at Enya’s Bor­dello and is now col­lab­o­rat­ing with Zoo Atlanta on a spe­cial high-diving act in the flamingo exhibit.

Garden Gnomes: The Bizarre Truth Behind Global Warming

 Conspiracy Theories, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Science, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Mar 062012
 

Pro­fes­sor Theodor Dres­den of Wiener­schnitzel Uni­ver­sity in New Braun­fels, Texas has pub­lished a star­tling the­ory about cli­mate change in the local edi­tion of the Thrifty Nickel.  Smack dab between ref­er­ences to John 3:16 and a list­ing for a slightly used trom­bone, Pro­fes­sor Dres­den revealed that the true cause of global warm­ing was not human-induced green­house gases, but in fact gar­den gnomes.

These ceramic or plas­tic repli­cas of small earth sprites, usu­ally with beards and pointy hats, are rais­ing tem­per­a­tures on the planet due to the sun bounc­ing off the small stat­ues’ reflec­tive paint, thereby rais­ing tem­per­a­tures faster than trees are falling in the rain­forests on the planet via a process referred to as global gnoming.

““Peo­ple think gar­den gnomes are cute, but they are mis­taken,” said Pro­fes­sor Dres­den.  “Every time they buy one, they are killing Mother Earth.  You might as well as God to aim His big hairdryer on mother earth and drown all the poloar bears.”

Recently arrested for steal­ing a gar­den gnome from the front yard of his neigh­bor, Pro­fes­sor Dres­den claims that global gnom­ing is heat­ing the world up even faster due to the fad of tak­ing one’s gar­den gnome to the beach, which raises the tem­per­a­ture even faster.

Pro­fes­sor Dres­den has recently started a Kick­starter cam­paign to raise 2 bil­lion dol­lars to build a rocket to carry all of the gar­den gnomes on Earth into orbit.

Rose Wig­gins, 63, Pro­fes­sor Dresden’s, said, “This is all a crock.  If I don’t see my gar­den gnome back under my hum­ming­bird feeder by tomor­row morn­ing, she’s going to hob­ble over to his house tomor­row morn­ing and break his kneecaps with her walk­ing stick.”

Pro­fes­sor Dresden’s office had no comment.

Top Ten Keyword Searches That Have Lead Visitors to My Blog

 Humor, News of the Weird, Pop Culture, Self-Help, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
Mar 012012
 

It used to be that we were judged by the friends we keep.  As our social life has moved online, now we are judged by the key word searches that lead to our pro­files and web­sites.   There­fore, I decided to see what words lead to my blog and find out who I really am.  The words, to put it mildly, are shocking:

01. DeForest Kel­ley Gay — Evi­dently I’m not the only one who thought Mr. Kel­ley was gay after see­ing that scarf tied around his neck.  See Exhibit A here.

02. Greek Sex — I’m sure those search­ing for randy Greeks were dis­ap­pointed when they clicked on the link to this blog post.

03. Wham Last Christ­mas — I had no idea how pop­u­lar this song was–even beyond the hol­i­day season–until I wrote about this song here.

04. Hobby Jog­gers — I wasn’t sure what a hobby jog­ger was, but it does, indeed, lead to my blog.  Here’s the proof!

05. Frozen Baby — Why are peo­ple search­ing for frozen babies?  Hope­fully, they’re not look­ing for a “how to” arti­cle, but some­thing lighter like this.

06. Point­ing Fin­gers at Each Other — I don’t nor­mally like to point fin­gers, but evi­dently I wrote about it back on May 12.

07. How to Get Kid­napped — I’m not sure why peo­ple want to learn to be kid­napped, but I did write about my friend Trixie’s attempt to be kid­nap­ping back when it was all the rage to be kid­napped in East Atlanta Vil­lage.  You can read about it here.

08. Mor­mon World Dom­i­na­tion — This is one instance where I hope peo­ple are tak­ing any­thing that I write on this blog too seri­ously.  Here’s an exam­ple.

09. Kim Wilde’s Boobs — I don’t recall writ­ing about Kim’s breasts, specif­i­cally, but a lot of peo­ple are search­ing for them.  Per­haps I ought to write her a let­ter.  You can double-check me here.

10. Guard Dog Names — I think this post proves that I can­not be accused of giv­ing some­thing back to the world.  If I can pre­vent one per­son from nam­ing their guard dog Gum­drop, then on my death bed I can relax, know­ing that my life had a purpose.

Police Quell Toddler Brawl at Daycare

 Crime, Family, Humor, Kids, News of the Weird, Parents, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Feb 282012
 

Coweta County Police were sum­moned to the Tatum Tots, Kissimeecoochee’s pre­mium day­care, which is run by Miss Amber Jean Tatum.

Miss Tatum told the author­i­ties that a fight broke out in the nurs­ery when Li’l Bubba Buttes, 18-months, lum­bered over to the other side of the play pen where Caleb Jones, 12-months, was gnaw­ing on a touch-and-feel board book. Bubba pro­ceeded to push Caleb onto his back and threaten him by say­ing, “You wanna a piece of me?”  Then he pulled a paci­fier on Lit­tle Jones.

Caleb, who is the sun of Bubba Lee, the World’s most famous Asian-American quad-amputee stunt­man and mar­tial arts cham­pion in the peo­ple with no extrem­i­ties divi­sion, reacted by, in the words of Sher­iff Amos Tucker, “whip Li’l Bubba’s sweet-diapered ass with that feel my fuzzy bear book.”

Chaos erupted among the rest of the stu­dents in the nurs­ery, and at least one police offi­cer received blows to the head with a rat­tle before order was restored.

No one was arrested, how­ever, since Tatum Tots has a “No Cor­po­ral Pun­ish­ment” pol­icy, and Miss Amber Jean redi­rected the class’ behav­ior toward the shiny blue lights on top of the police cars.

Offi­cer Justin Thomas received an Sesame Street bandaid for his head wound and no stitches were required.

Ms. Tra­cie Leonard-Buttes, estranged wife of Big Bubba, was called down at the Meow Ranch Truck­stop and Mas­sage Parolor to come pick Li’l Bubba up and take him home until he can behave.  Ms. Leonard-Buttes apol­o­gized, stat­ing that Li’l Bubba had been teething and had been on edge recently.

Big Bubba, who is cur­rently serv­ing time for shoot­ing a hole through the large neon dough­nut sign out front of Dunkin’ Dreams, released a state­ment through his Mama, Mrs. Ernest T. Buttes, that Li’l Bubba has been unfairly sin­gled out and he plans to sue.

When asked for com­ment, Ms. Amber Jean said, “Well, I’ve never seen any­thing like this in my three years as a day­care cen­ter direc­tor, but I defin­tely plan to have an extra beer when I watch The Real House­wives of Atlanta tonight.”

FAA Bans Feather Dusters from All Flights

 Crime, Food, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Travel  No Responses »
Feb 212012
 

The Fed­eral Avi­a­tion Admin­is­tra­tion (FAA) has banned feather dusters from all flights, fol­low­ing an inci­dent at the Kissimeecoochee Inter­na­tional Air­port (KIA).  Over the week­end, Bud Hop­kins, 56, a truck dri­ver, and his wife, Mil­dred Hop­kins, 54, a greeter at the local Wal-Mart, were arrested by Home­land Secu­rity for plot­ting to tickle tor­ture and assas­si­nate Ger­ald T. Buttes, Pres­i­dent of the Tas­tee Doo­dle Fast Food Fran­chise, which is head­quar­tered in Chat­tanooga, Tennessee.

It seems that the cou­ple were upset that Tas­tee Doo­dle had removed the Apple Chili Streudel Dawg, a hot dog deep-fried in an apple streudel and smoth­ered in chili, from the menu.

““After we wrote sev­eral let­ters and never got an answer, we decided we had to take mat­ters into our own hands,” said Bud.

Secu­rity at the air­port was tipped off when Hop­kins attempted to pass through with strange bulges beneath their clothes.  Bud had stuck a feather duster down his pants and claimed to be an exotic dancer head­ing for a local ladies’ night per­for­mance at a at a hen party in Chat­tanooga.  Mil­dred said she was preg­nant with an alien lovechild.

““What’s so unset­tling about this sit­u­a­tion is the fact that these aren’t your reg­u­lar feather dusters,” said Air Mar­shall Ed Irwin.  “These are indus­trial strength feather dusters that sell up to a dol­lar more than your usual feather duster and they can swish all the fur off a baboon’s ass in sec­onds.”  When this reporter com­mented that baboons do not actu­ally have any fur on their behinds, Irwin threat­ened to arrest him.

In a tele­phone inter­view, Buttes stated that the Apple Chili Streudel Dawg had been removed from the menu for health rea­sons, after lab ele­phants had dropped dead after eat­ing a diet of Apple Chili Streudel Dawgs for less than a week.  “It was a dif­fi­cult deci­sion because it had been on the menu since my grandaddy opened the first Tas­tee Doo­dle in 1936–and some of the female staff said that it was good for the complexion–but the Board of Direc­tors and I felt like it made more busi­ness sense to encour­age our cus­tomers to choose health­ier options from our menu that would allow them to live longer and come back and spend more money at the Tas­tee Doodle.”

When asked why she and her hus­band had set­tled upon tick­ling Buttes to death, Mil­dred replied, “I wanted that var­mit to die laugh­ing, so I could wipe the smile off his face.”

On Sharing Personal Stories of Decapitation

 70s, Essays, Family, Humor, Memory Mondays, News of the Weird  No Responses »
Feb 202012
 

Grow­ing up, I remem­ber my grand­par­ents, aunts, and uncles telling tall tales and heav­ily embell­ished sto­ries at fam­ily gath­er­ings. There were quite a few char­ac­ters in my fam­ily tree, so there was no telling what you would hear between pass­ing the turkey and ladling gravy on your mashed potatoes

For some rea­son, my Aunt Bar­bara seemed to fre­quently have acci­dents and adven­tures. I believe she sliced the tip of a fin­ger off while work­ing at the Kroger deli and was once pulled over by a high­way patrol­man while wear­ing a nun cos­tume while on the way to work on Halloween.

The most amus­ing story my aunt shared with us, how­ever, is about the time my cousin, Kel­ley, decided to teach her mother how to ride a minibike. Things were going well until Aunt Bar­bara gave the minibike too much gas and shot off with her cling­ing for her life. Kel­ley and Uncle Jimmy chased after her and watched in hor­ror as she hit a pot­hole and her head flew off, just before the minibike fell to its side with her body. When they reached my aunt’s body, they dis­cov­ered that her head was still–thankfully–attached; it was her wig that had flown off. Unfor­tu­nately, she had bro­ken her wrist, I believe.

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