Jun 182013
 

ShellacJessie Rhine­hardt, 35, was taken into cus­tody Fri­day after an Avon rep­re­sen­ta­tive man­aged to enter her home and found Rhinehardt’s chil­dren, Teddy, Tammi, and Terri, along with the dog, Toto, pre­served in indus­trial shellac.

“I was shocked, to say the least, when I saw those kids,” said Patsy Parker, a sea­soned Avon rep­re­sen­ta­tive known to never take no for an answer. “How­ever, they were pre­served well and absolutely adorable, even though their lit­tle faces were con­torted in ter­ror, which just proves my mother was right about faces freez­ing that way.”

When asked why she shel­laced her chil­dren, Rhine­hardt said, “My kids are just so pre­cious to me and I didn’t want them to grow up, so I decided to do some­thing to do some­thing about it–unlike my husband.”

Rhinehardt’s hus­band, Phil, 38, a sales­man for pro­mo­tional, reusable ice cubes, dis­ap­peared a year ago. Rhine­hardt claimed she has no idea where her hus­band is, as she glanced out at the swim­ming pool she pur­chased with the insur­ance money after he was legally declared dead. Wist­fully, she said, “I wish it had occurred to me to shel­lac him before all the love died between us.”

Rhine­hardt is cur­rently being held with­out bail, and her chil­dren have been moved to the evi­dence room in lieu of child pro­tec­tive ser­vices, since their pro­tec­tive coat­ing should be pro­tec­tion enough.

Jun 132013
 

Little Boy with Mouth OpenI like my neigh­bor­hood. It’s a mish-mash of diverse peo­ple. Of course, the proof in the pud­ding is what comes out the mouths of their babes. Read what some of the kids in my neigh­bor­hood have said within earshot of me over the past 13 years:

01. “Dad, can I get a tat­too when I grad­u­ate from kinder­garten, or do I have to be a lit­tle older?”

02. “Mommy said that when I was born, I ripped her vagina to shreds.”

03. “Is there gluten in this cookie? If there is, my mom is going to be really pissed.”

04. “I have two mom­mies, but they haven’t decided which one wears the pants yet.”

05. “I just want you to know my daddy said I’m not allowed to say @#%*.”

06. “Our dog can eat it’s own vomit. I bet your cat can’t do that.”

07. “When there’s only one pop­si­cle left, I like to take a bite out of it and leave it in the freezer, so no one else gets it. Take it from me, you have to plan ahead.”

08. “If I was a Tyransaurus Rex, I would eat Jeremy Kramer. He’s this butthead at preschool.”

09. “When­ever mommy and daddy put on Sade, I know they’re get­ting their groove on after they send me to bed.”

10. “My dad is so cool. He didn’t even spank me when I acci­den­tally yanked his nip­ple rings out while we were wrestling.”

11. “I think your cookie would be safer in my mouth-cave. Don’t you?”

12. “I keep pray­ing to God to send some­one to kid­nap my lit­tle brother, but He keeps say­ing no.”

Jun 102013
 

Girls Texting on SmartPhonesEvery once in a while, a cer­tain theme seems to flow through my life. It’s often a ques­tion that seems to pop up again and again. Recently, I asked a co-worker what kids are going to remem­ber about their younger years since they always seem to have their noses buried in Smart­Phone, iPad, or lap­top com­puter.  “They basi­cally come out of the womb suck­ling on a joy­stick,” 2Fs has said on more than one occasion.

I’ve had the oppor­tu­nity to observe kids vis­it­ing his­tor­i­cal sites and nat­ural won­ders, glanc­ing up from their smart­phones only to take a pic­ture of what’s in front of them, if that.  I’m sorry, but when you’re at the Grand Canyon, put down that iPhone and pay attention.

When I was a kid, we didn’t have smart­phones that allowed us to com­mu­ni­cate with oth­ers in 14 bil­lion dif­fer­ent ways, let alone play music and video games.  We got together and went to movies or amuse­ment parks or to the mall.  We talked on the tele­phone and sent snail mail let­ters.  Some­times we got together and looked at one another while we talked and lis­tened to one another.  It worked and it was good for us and we liked it.

“What are kids going to remem­ber when they look back in 20 years?” I asked my co-worker.  “Remem­ber that time you send me that text of when your cat threw up on your sister’s birth­day cake? Do you remem­ber that Face­book sta­tus update where you said you had a really good hair day?  Remem­ber that time you tweeted you would eat your own hair if you could kiss Justin Bieber just once?”

Last Sun­day, the topic came up again when Susan Rebecca White men­tioned it in her launch of her new novel, A Place at the Table.  Then my friend Marissa and I dis­cussed it when we went out for yogurt.

What mem­o­ries do you think kids will have in 20 years?

Jun 042013
 

Man Drinking Out of Milk CartonArt Rich­man, 36, a com­puter pro­gram­mer, hus­band, and father, was busted by his daugh­ter, Ellie, 6, for drink­ing out of the milk jug after assur­ing his wife, Jean, 34, he no longer did such a gross thing.

While Jean was at luke­warm yoga, Art, snuck into the kitchen and took a swig of cow juice from the plas­tic con­tainer, unaware that Ellie was shoot­ing video with his iPhone. Ellie then uploaded the video to the fam­ily YouTube chan­nel and Face­book page, before e-mailing her mother.

Fran­tic, Art told Ellie he would buy her any­thing she wanted if she would just delete the video before Mommy saw it. Ellie then tweeted the audio file to @MyMommyIsMoreLimberThanUrMommy: “Can you believe he tried to bribe me?”

Art’s iPhone then vibrated and his daugh­ter handed it to him, where he read the text from Jean: YOUR ASS IS MINE.

The Milk­Gate video, as it is now called, received sev­eral com­ments on the Fam­ily YouTube page:

“Arthur, you’re not an ani­mal. Get a glass and pour your­self some milk.“
–Mom

GROSS!“
–Your Sis­ter, Amy

“Dude, at least wipe the milk mus­tache off.“
–Your Brother, Aaron

“Daddy, I am so ashamed. Now I’ll have to wear a paper bag over my head when I go to day­care.“
–Your Daugh­ter, Ellie

“Your ass is mine!“
–Your Wife, Jean

To rec­om­pense for his unsan­i­tary ways, Art must now get a mani and pedi with Jean and attend Ellie’s tea par­ties for one month.

May 302013
 

Where Do Babies Come From?I live in one of the coolest neigh­bor­hoods in Atlanta. The peo­ple are open-minded, appre­ci­ate good food and drink, and like to laugh and social­ize. Most of them are pretty for­ward in their think­ing, so I was sur­prised at some of the answers they’ve come up with to avoid talk­ing to their kids about repro­duc­tion. I have learned, how­ever, as clever as par­ents think they are, kids usu­ally end up being smarter. Here are the top ten fun­ni­est sto­ries of where babies come from:

01. Santa Claus brought you to Mommy and Daddy for Christ­mas. (Their son then asked how that was pos­si­ble since he was born in July.)

02. We found you under a mar­i­juana leaf. (Their daugh­ter warned them to keep that tid­bit to them­selves, or else DFCS might come take her away.)

03. Mommy & Daddy ordered you from Amazon.com. (Their son asked if they received free shipping.)

04. We adopted you from China. (Their daugh­ter asked, “If I’m Chi­nese, how come I’m black?” They’re an African-American family.)

05. You came from a hot sum­mer night and a bot­tle of tequila. (The daugh­ter asked if that was what the worm is for.)

06. I won you in a MTV con­test. (Of course, the kid imme­di­ately did a search on YouTube for video footage. Busted!)

07. You fol­lowed us home. (“Why would I do that?” their daugh­ter asked. “I didn’t know you and I don’t talk to strangers.”)

08. We used a spe­cial recipe to mix you up in a bowl, then baked you in the kitchen oven. (Their daugh­ter asked, “Is that why we’re vegan?”)

09. You were deliv­ered to our mail­box by mis­take. (Their child reminded the par­ents it’s a fed­eral offense to take some­one else’s mail.)

10. The stork brought you. (To which their son replied after some thought­ful reflection,“That’s prob­a­bly why birds scare the crap out of me, huh?”)

Apr 252013
 

Frightened ChildA friend of mine recently expressed anx­i­ety over attend­ing her son’s Par­ent Career Day, because she per­forms makeovers at the cos­met­ics counter a depart­ment store and her son attends an all-boys school. It got me think­ing about how some careers may pro­vide a com­fort­able income to sup­port a fam­ily; how­ever, might be prob­lem­atic for par­ent career day presentation:

01. Vac­cine worker with a big-ass needle

02. Nude art model in robe

03. Owner of a head shop with bong

04. Chicken ringer with a live chicken

05. Robert Map­plethorpe Imper­son­ator with whip

06. Bounty hunter with fake war­rant for every child’s arrest

07. Mor­ti­cian with corpse

08. Judi­cial exe­cu­tioner with with noose

09. Dom­i­na­trix with sub­mis­sive who likes to lick shoes

10. Attack dog trainer with his new recruit, Diablo

Apr 092013
 

Mother and ToddlerWhen movie pro­duc­ers need a mother and child for a flee­ing vil­lian to knock out of the way, fall from a bal­cony, or mauled by a Rot­tweiler, they call Mandy Knox and her two-year-old daugh­ter, Gertie.

“I never con­sid­ered a career as a stunt mother until a friend make a joke about how clumsy I seemed to be, yet always man­aged to pro­tect Ger­tie,” said Mandy, 27. “I mean, I was con­stantly falling down the stairs with her or acci­den­tally rolling my shop­ping cart into a dis­play of patio stones at the hard­ware store that would then fall on my head.”

Notic­ing how baby Ger­tie seemed to delight in her mother’s clutzi­ness and how resilient Mandy seemed to be, a cast­ing direc­tor for Father’s Day 4: Daddy’s Home offered the mother and daugh­ter an oppor­tu­nity to appear in the movie if they would fall down a spi­ral staircase.

“Ger­tie and I had such a blast, we opened our own stunt mother and child company—Hard Knox Stunts–and we’ve been going gang­busters ever since.”

Some crit­ics, how­ever, con­sider Hard Knox Stunts to be a form of child exploita­tion, if not not abuse. “What kind of mother tosses her child into an aquar­ium of Pirhanah?” asked Jane Moureau, 48, a child advo­cate. “What’s next? A sausage grinder?”

Mandy main­tains she is still a lov­ing, car­ing mother. “Ger­tie is always in bed in by seven o’clock every night, she eats well-balanced, nutri­tious meals, and spends qual­ity time every day with her father and me. I don’t under­stand what the big deal is about. Ger­tie and I always put safety first.”

A recent inves­ti­ga­tion by the Depart­ment of Fam­ily and Children’s Ser­vices (DFCS) after Mandy and Ger­tie were set on fire in Bad Nanny Returns revealed no signs of child abuse or neglect.

When asked how long the mother and daugh­ter stunt team will con­tinue to work, Mandy shrugs and said, “It’s up to Ger­tie. If it starts to feel too much like work and she gets bored, we’ll quit. I only want her to do this while it’s still fun.”

Next up for Mandy and Ger­tie, they will be torn apart in Zombie Poo­dles from Hell.

Apr 022013
 

Baby with Rainbow FlagA new White Party™ event will be intro­duced this fall–The Dia­per Party.

With the explo­sive growth of LGBT cou­ples who have adopted or con­ceived their own chil­dren, many pre­vi­ous patrons of White Party™ events no longer feel there is a place for them on the circuit.

Tak­ing dif­fer­ences of lifestyle into con­sid­er­a­tion, orga­niz­ers are plan­ning a party that will appeal to LGBT parents.

“It was really a no brainer,” said Dia­per Party mas­ter­mind Sky Tatum, 29.  “Since the White Party™ has always been about gay men wear­ing a tiny piece of white cloth, it seemed like one of the few places that LGBT par­ty­go­ers and their young chil­dren could dress alike.”

In addi­tion to the open bar for par­ents, the Dia­per Party will also offer a milk express sta­tion and pureed fruit and veg­etable buf­fet for the lit­tle party ani­mals.  Tatum promises that every child in atten­dane will receive a glow stick.

Musi­cal guests will include moth­ers Kris­tine W, Donna DeLory, and spe­cial guest Baby Psy per­form­ing his inter­na­tional smash “Goo Goo Style.”

Child­care will also be avail­able at a 15-minute rate for LGBT cou­ples who might care to spice their rela­tion­ship up with a three-way or an orgy in one of the pri­vate suites at the nearby hotels.

Some crit­ics have argues this type of behav­ior is exactly why LGBT peo­ple should not be allowed to have children.

“What’s the dif­fer­ence if you’re leav­ing your child with a babysit­ter to go see the new Julia Roberts flick or to get spit-roasted with two mus­cle boys while your part­ner watches?” Tatum said, “In the end, they’re still going to pick that kid up and take care of him and love him, although I’d rec­om­mend you brush your teeth before you start kiss­ing all over that baby.”

Mar 282013
 

Bunny PrintsThough he might not be as famous or as eagerly antic­i­pated as Santa Claus, chil­dren will be expect­ing the Easter Bunny to visit while their sleep­ing Sat­ur­day night in order to fill their bas­kets with candy and small toys.  Unfor­tu­nately, with the wealth of infor­ma­tion avail­able on the Inter­net, chil­dren are becom­ing more skep­ti­cal.  Fear not, how­ever, as here are ten ways to prove to your kids that the Easter Bunny has been at your house:

01. Half-eaten car­rot in the ash tray

02. Unfin­ished car­rot juice in a mar­tini glass

03. Take a close-up pic­ture with your smart­phone of a rabbit’s face you pull up on the Inter­net, so your kids will think the Easter Bunny photo bombed your iPhone

o4. Slip your Jef­fer­son Air­plane Great­est Hits CD into your stereo and pause it on “White Rabbit.”

05. Stamp bunny foot­prints on a copy of the New Tes­ta­ment to show the Easter Bunny is truly a “bible thumper”

06. Turn on the tele­vi­sion and leave it tuned to Bugs Bunny cartoons–or the Play­boy Channel.

07. Leave a post-it note with scratchy hand­writ­ing that reads: IF YOU SEE ALICE, TELL HER TO TELL HER MAMA I SAID, “HELLO.”

08. Pho­to­shop a pic­ture of a rab­bit in your hot tub with his arms around a cou­ple of top­less supermodels.

09. Drop a hand­ful of milk choco­late eggs in the lit­ter box.  

10. Toss a bloody rabbit’s foot into the cen­ter of the table while the kids are argu­ing over break­fast.  (Who said you’d never find a use for that key­chain and fake blood?)

Mar 142013
 

Patty McCormack and Nancy Kelly in The Bad SeedSome­times when we have a bad expe­ri­ence with some­one, it cre­ates a bias for any­one we meet in the future who shares the same name. I think par­ents should keep this in mind when con­sid­er­ing giv­ing their new­born one of the fol­low­ing names:

01. Nor­man “Psy­cho” Bates

02. Jason “Fri­day the 13th” Voorhees

03. Michael “Hal­loween” Myers

04. Regan “The Exor­cist” MacNeil

05. Damian “The Omen” Thorn

06. Rhoda “The Bad Seed” Penmark

07. Malachi (Chil­dren of the Corn)

08. Freddy ” Night­mare on Elm Street” Krueger

09. Carol Anne “Pol­ter­geist” Freeling

10. Chucky & Tiffany (Bride of Chucky)

11. Satan (Hope­fully, no other expla­na­tion is needed)