I never need to watch television because my co-workers tell me everything I need to know. Why should I spend half an hour watching Real Housewives of Atlanta when Jennifer can give me the synopsis, including fake tears, in under ninety seconds? Still, I was giving some thought to what scenarios might actually tempt me to watch reality T.V.
01. Kissing Babies — Politicians must campaign for reelection by kissing babies from demographics they have blatantly ignored in the past
02. Porn Again — Adult film stars compete against missionaries to win souls for Christ in third world countries–any way they can
03. Lesbian Wife Swap — Straight men trade spouses with lesbian couples only to find the glamour of bisexual porn for heterosexual men doesn’t necessarily translate into real life. Meanwhile, the straight wives enjoy some long, meaningful conversations with their temporary lesbian husbands.
04. Siri Spills the Beans – Sneaky men and women hack their spouses with the help of producers to have Siri falsely accuse their spouses of all sorts of crimes. When the husband is pulled over by a highway patrolman, Siri confesses the body is no longer in the trunk, but buried behind the Stuckey’s two miles down the road.
05. Mr. Mom CEO — Six business executives attempt to run their companies and their households while wearing a special belt that creates the sensations of water retention and cramps. Can he complete the corporate takeover and get Caitlin to ballet on time? Tune in!
06. Grownups Behaving Badly — Children wired with hidden cameras and microphones capture their parents misbehaving while coached by obnoxious stand-up comedians as to what to do and say to provoke their folks to new depths of depravity.
07. Tapping Madge — Ten of the fiercest gay Madonna fans compete against one another to seduce her Royal Madgesty, so they can say they’ve slept with her. (No, I don’t get it, either, but it’s all some gay men talk about. Honestly, wouldn’t you prefer Kylie?)
08. Shop Loco – Services professionals, such as lawyers, mechanics, dentists, etc., get creative when told by customers that Amazon.com now provides the same service to their customers at a steep discount. “Can you do better than 30% on this filling?”
09. Bi-Polar Babysitters — Childcare professionals attempt to wean themselves off of lithium while taking care of the most obnoxious kids in America.
10. Scooby Snack Attack – Pet owners discover how devoted man’s best friend is to them when their dogs are taught they can receive something good to eat if they press a button that releases a treat while simultaneously sending a jolt of electricity to their owner.