Example: When Margie’s husband and children were diagnosed with hairballs in spite of her efforts to vacuum daily, she became furlorn every time she saw their cat, Mr. Mittens.
Can you use furlorn in a sentence?
The last words Leroy Tucker, 17, said to anyone before his bowling ball juggling accident, were, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” A few seconds later, a 14-pound, Brunswick Slingshot with custom right-handed drilling fell on his head and knocked him cold. When he woke up twenty minutes later, Tucker told friends his named was Mavis Gould, a fifty-seven-year-old sample lady at Costco, who specializes in jalapeño poppers.
““It was such a shock,” said his mama, Earlene Tucker, 41, a stay-at-home mom. “I mean, Leroy was a typical teenage boy, always thinking of himself and never shown a lick of interest in gracious living.”
Doctors say this new personality is due to his head injury, and have encouraged Tucker’s family to humor him until it passes.
““Leroy’s daddy is just beside himself,” said Earlene. “He took Leroy fishing with his buddies and Leroy kept asking them if they’d like to taste his chipotle-raspberry dipping sauce. It was very awkward for everyone in the pontoon boat.”
To pay for Tucker’s escalating medical expenses, Earlene bought him a tuxedo and has begun renting him out to serve at parties. “We just got tired of Leroy constantly trying to serve us at home every cotton-pickin’ minute of the day and we have bills to pay, so why not kill two birds with one stone? Besides, it seems to make Leroy–I mean, Mavis–happy.”
I suppose no one is ever satisfied with the hand their dealt by their familial gene pool, but, growing up, I seemed to look so different from the rest of my family. They have brown hair; I was blond. They’re short and stocky; I was tall and lanky.
The worst part, though, I had no butt. I’m talking flat as a pancake. When I sat down, it sounded like bone grating against wood. In fact, my behind was practically concave. You could have laid me face-down on the snack table at a party and served salsa where my ass should be.
By middle school, when girls started checking out guys’s bodies, I noticed their eyes gravitated toward the seat of the other boys’ jeans. One day while reading a headline of a magazine in the checkout lane of the grocery store, I saw confirmation. “Do you see that,” I said to the woman behind me, pointing to the headline: WOMEN SAY BUTT IS MOST ATTRACTIVE PART OF MEN’S BODIES. “I’m going to die alone.” I turned around to show her my emaciated rear. “I might as well turn gay!” She snickered, which I didn’t understand. (It was a year later before Matt Jordan explained gay sex to me while dissecting a frog To this day, I can’t see a frog flat on its back with it’s legs in the air without blushing.)
While the rest of my body caught up with my peers during puberty, I never developed much of a butt. Of course, it didn’t help that I never even saw it. I always felt it was nearby, perhaps following me, but whenever I turned around, it was always gone, although I did sometimes feel I got a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye.
““I’d like to fill a pair of jeans in the seat,” I said to a friend.
“‘I saw in a magazine, they sell this underwear that has butt pads,” she said.
““Maybe I could just stuff Kleenex down the back of my pants.”
And so it went on for years.
Recently, I ordered the Insanity Workout from Team Beach Body. I wondered whether or not I’d be able to do it, since the exercise program was marketed as being insane; however, I followed it religiously, and at the end of the eight weeks, I’d lost one pound, but I had gained some awesome definition and muscle. One day as I turned to flip off the light in the bathroom, I finally saw it in the mirror: I had a butt! It seems all of that jumping and glute work had finally paid off. It wouldn’t stop traffic, but compared to what I started with it, my butt was big. I no longer feared sitting down on a chair and hearing the sound of fingers raked across a chalkboard; I had some cushion to sit silently now. The world, it seemed, was my oyster, and I was now sitting on it.
My job in human resources is never boring. Every day I’m astounded at what I see as young people apply for jobs with my organization. Most of what I see that causes me to reject a resume could easily be corrected, and (I suspect) most of these job seekers just don’t know any better. Therefore, here is a list of the top ten things to do when looking for a job:
01. Put your name and contact information on your resume — If I worked for the American Psychic Association, maybe it would be different. However, if you want me to contact you, I need to know your name and a working telephone number and/or e-mail address.
02. Choose a professional e-mail address to send your cover letter and resume — I recently received a resume with impressive credentials and experience from an e-mail address along the lines of firstname.lastname@example.org. I’m not kidding. Now, I could read two stories into that e-mail address, but I won’t. The point of the matter is if this is how you’re going to represent yourself, how will you represent our organization?
03. Do not include inappropriate pictures — Unless you’re applying to be a flight attendant, I don’t understand why you would want to include a picture on your resume. If you do, though, give some thought to how the picture will present you to a stranger. I recently received a resume that included a topless glamour shot, with the applicant covering her bare breasts with her hands. Maybe it would slide if you’re applying for a job as a wet nurse, but, again, it makes me wonder how you’ll represent my organization if you get the job.
04. Textspeak — As more people embrace smartphones, the more resumes are sent from them to me, often accompanied by messages such as, “WOULD LUV 2 WORK 4 U.” I often wonder what they would think if I replied back with “NFW!”
05. Be honest about your education — Recently, under “Education” on her resume, a job candidate wrote: WORKING ON IT. (Better to list no education.) List the school you attended, the degree you received, your major, and your conferment date. If some of this information is missing, a phone call often reveals you’re lacking the credential or it’s in an unrelated field of study.
06. Casual greetings on cover letters — For the love of god, please do not begin your cover letter with “Hey, girl!” or “Yo, what’s up?” Call the company and find out whom you should address your letter to, or go with “hiring manager.” Also, check to ensure you’re sending your cover letter and resume to the correct company. It seems like people would no better, but it happens a lot.
07. Identify the position you wish to apply for — I frequently receive cover letters and resumes that give no indication of the position they’re for. If I have to stop and figure it out, there’s a greater chance I’m going to set it aside or reject it. Also, when you write you’re interested in any position available, it’s just as desperate as last call in a singles bar. If you’re not qualified in the position you’ve applied for, and I see your experience and education would fit another position I have available, I will consider you for it. Trust me.
08. Send your resume only once — When you send me your resume over and over again without adding new information, it’s annoying and wastes my time. If you want to be sure I received your resume, call me and ask. I’m happy to do so. However, if you fax it again and again, you’re wasting paper and costing my company money. If you must send it to me again, consider adding something to your original resume. For example, if you’ve lost five pounds since you last sent me your resume, consider adding “[Your Name] Now with less fat!”
09. Prepare a short voice mail greeting that identifies your telephone number and name — I’ve encountered a surprising number of people who recorded long-winded voice mail greetings: reading scripture, playing their favorite ballad in full, or reciting “The Epic of Gilgamesh.” Please don’t do this. Just identify yourself by name and confirm your telephone number. I just want to leave a brief message for you to call me back. I don’t need to be converted, moved, or entertained.
10. Be realistic about your transferable skills — When you read our job ad, you might immediately think you’d be a perfect for the position, but honestly take a look at your education and experience. Case in point: Just because you trained seals at Sea World, doesn’t qualify you to teach preschool children. Trust me, it’s not the same thing.
Example: When Maxine entered the beauty shop to apply for a job and a tumbleweave rolled over her shoe, she knew her work was cut out for her, so she picked up the hair extension and showed the staff how to secure it to the customer’s natural hair.
Can you use tumbleweave in a sentence?
Beyonce’s genuine faux baby bump sold on eBay for $1,379.13 last week. However, when the winning bidder, Jo Jo Stallone, 31, a hairdresser/mechanic at Mabel’s Beauty Shop & Pit Stop in Kissimimcoochee, Georgia, received his package, he found a New Kids on the Block throw pillow, featuring Danny Wood, one of the quieter members of the group.
“I was shocked and outraged,” Stallone said, slicing his shears through the air for dramatic emphasis. “When I bought Beyonce’s genuine faux baby bump, I expected to receive the real thing–not a blatant fake! B. is a style goddess. You cannot tell me she had a NKTOTB pillow stuffed up her silk blouses for nine months, and even if she did, it would be Ms. Jordan Knight, because he was the head bitch in that group.”
With eBay’s help, police were able to trace the package back to the seller, a Ms. Mae Wong Chow, 63, a lunch lady in Walla Walla, Washington. When asked why she misrepresented the sale of her NKOTB throw pillow, Ms. Chow said, “I did so because Danny not sell.” Ms. Chow confessed to bearing the brunt of bullying by children coming through her lunch line as they made fun of her orthopedic shoes. She said she intended to use the money from the sale of the genuine faux Beyonce baby bump to buy some new kicks to blow those douchebags away at Ernestine Crutcher Middle School.
Ms. Chow is currently making restitution to Mr. Stallone by selling her new kicks on eBay.
In the meantime, Mr. Stallone has decided to keep the Danny Wood pillow, as he has experienced a great deal of healing since he propped it up on the other end of his loveseat and started talking to it. “I just feel like I can tell Danny everything and he doesn’t judge me or say anything negative.” Stallone said the pillow has provided more healing than ten years he spent in therapy. “All this time, I thought I hated my mother when it turns out I was just coveting her wardrobe. Who knew!”
When I was a teenager, a female friend of mine decided she needed to fix me up with a girl she was friendly with from another school. While I was over at her house, she called the girl up and told her about me.
“What does he look like?” my friend repeated the question for me to hear.
I waited in anticipation for what my friend would say. Did she me as I saw myself? The dashing boy next door, with brooding looks and a devil-may-care smile?
My friend turned toward me, looked me up and down, and said into the telephone receiver, “He looks like a poster child for Hitler Youth.”
“Wait a minute!” I said. “You think I look like a Hitler Youth?”
My friend asked her friend to hold on for a moment, then held the receiver against her chest. “Well, you are very Aryan looking, with blond hair and high cheek bones. You really do favor the guy on the Hitler Youth propaganda poster in my history book.”
““Maybe so, but in her mind, she’s linking me with Hitler. Don’t you see a problem with that?”
My friend whispered into the phone, quickly. “Just for the record, he doesn’t have any facial hair.”
I rolled my eyes in disbelief, as if that was the most offensive thing Hitler ever did–wear a tiny mustache. “Is there any other positive spin you can put on it?”
““Well, what girl doesn’t a man in a uniform?”
I never did meet that girl. I wonder why?
I never need to watch television because my co-workers tell me everything I need to know. Why should I spend half an hour watching Real Housewives of Atlanta when Jennifer can give me the synopsis, including fake tears, in under ninety seconds? Still, I was giving some thought to what scenarios might actually tempt me to watch reality T.V.
01. Kissing Babies — Politicians must campaign for reelection by kissing babies from demographics they have blatantly ignored in the past
02. Porn Again — Adult film stars compete against missionaries to win souls for Christ in third world countries–any way they can
03. Lesbian Wife Swap — Straight men trade spouses with lesbian couples only to find the glamour of bisexual porn for heterosexual men doesn’t necessarily translate into real life. Meanwhile, the straight wives enjoy some long, meaningful conversations with their temporary lesbian husbands.
04. Siri Spills the Beans – Sneaky men and women hack their spouses with the help of producers to have Siri falsely accuse their spouses of all sorts of crimes. When the husband is pulled over by a highway patrolman, Siri confesses the body is no longer in the trunk, but buried behind the Stuckey’s two miles down the road.
05. Mr. Mom CEO — Six business executives attempt to run their companies and their households while wearing a special belt that creates the sensations of water retention and cramps. Can he complete the corporate takeover and get Caitlin to ballet on time? Tune in!
06. Grownups Behaving Badly — Children wired with hidden cameras and microphones capture their parents misbehaving while coached by obnoxious stand-up comedians as to what to do and say to provoke their folks to new depths of depravity.
07. Tapping Madge — Ten of the fiercest gay Madonna fans compete against one another to seduce her Royal Madgesty, so they can say they’ve slept with her. (No, I don’t get it, either, but it’s all some gay men talk about. Honestly, wouldn’t you prefer Kylie?)
08. Shop Loco – Services professionals, such as lawyers, mechanics, dentists, etc., get creative when told by customers that Amazon.com now provides the same service to their customers at a steep discount. “Can you do better than 30% on this filling?”
09. Bi-Polar Babysitters — Childcare professionals attempt to wean themselves off of lithium while taking care of the most obnoxious kids in America.
10. Scooby Snack Attack – Pet owners discover how devoted man’s best friend is to them when their dogs are taught they can receive something good to eat if they press a button that releases a treat while simultaneously sending a jolt of electricity to their owner.
Muzak Attack(noun) \myoo-zak uh-tak\ — A panic attack brought about by the realization the Muzak one is humming along to in an elevator or retail is actually a popular song from one’s youth; therefore, one is now old.
Exam¬ple: In the elevator to her office, Carla realized she was humming along with to an instrumenatal of Britney Spear’s “Baby Hit Me One More Time,” which caused a Muzak attack at the realization her favorite song in high school was fifteen years old.
Can you use muzak attack in a sentence?