Rod Stewart to Publish Children's Book

 Celebrities, Humor, Music, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Urban Myth  2 Responses »
Aug 232011
 

Rock star Rod Stew­art will pub­lish his first children’s book, Buck­ets of Fun, next week through Tiny Tat­tler Press, which con­tin­ues their series of books writ­ten by celebri­ties who have been the vic­tims of urban myth.

For years, rumors have sur­faced that Stew­art col­lapsed at an after con­cert party and was rushed to the emer­gency room, where doc­tors pumped any­where from a pint to 10 gal­lons of semen out of this stom­ach.  The story has also been attrib­uted to Elton John, David Bowie, and Mick Jagger–typically rock & roll singers from that gen­er­a­tion who were some­times crit­i­cized for being less than manly–but Stew­art seems to be the celebrity most often iden­ti­fied in the tale.

“I despise bad sci­ence,” Stew­art said.  “So when my daugh­ter Kim­berly came to me in tears and asked if the rumor was true, we put on match­ing white lab coats and went into the kitchen.  I set her up on the counter and gave her a tea­spoon and explained that the aver­age man will ejac­u­late only enough semen to fill half of that spoon, which I demon­strated with salad dress­ing.  Then I showed her how many tea­spoons it would take to fill a pint-sized shot glass, then a 10-gallon bucket.  It didn’t take long for my daugh­ter to do the math.”

“It’s hard enough for even adults to remem­ber how many pints are in a liter, let alone a child, so we feel this story is a per­fect way to teach tod­dlers about liq­uid con­ver­sion, as well as thwart bad sci­ence,” said Kiki Cum­mings, Pub­lisher of Tiny Tat­tler Press. “It also opens the door for par­ents to teach chil­dren at an early age that some peo­ple with funny hair­cuts do funny things in the bedroom–just not Rod Stew­art.  I mean, who knows what Brit­ney Spears gets up to!”

The book comes with a sippy cup shaped like a bucket with the dif­fer­ent liq­uid amounts marked on the sides, plus a car­i­ca­ture of Stew­art telling chil­dren via a car­toon bal­loon, “Bot­toms up!”

Next up, Tiny Tat­tler Press con­tin­ues the series with the release of Jamie Lee Cur­tis’ I Can Use Both Restrooms later this fall.

Church Claims Relic of Cher Has Healed Congregation & Gay Men's Chorus

 Celebrities, Conspiracy Theories, Humor, News of the Weird, Pop Culture, Religion, Theoretical Thursdays, Urban Myth  No Responses »
Apr 142011
 

The Church of Saint Fran­cis of Fifi in Bald Knob, Arkansas has demanded that Cher be can­on­ized as a saint.  After win­ning the Amer­i­can record­ing artist, actress, and tele­vi­sion personality’s ribs off eBay last sum­mer.  Since that time, the relics (as Cher’s ribs have become known) have healed sev­eral mem­bers of the con­gre­ga­tion and the Bald Knob Gay Men’s Chorus.

“After being touched by the relic, Roger’s lisp van­ished,” Doug Quat­tle­baum, Direc­tor of the Bald Knob Gay Men’s Cho­rus noted.  “Kenny’s gon­or­rhea dried up, and Chip’s leak­ing implant was saved.  It was a miracle!”

Quat­tle­baum, who also serves as the musi­cal direc­tor for The Church of Saint Fran­cis of Fifi, keeps Cher’s alleged float­ing ribs , which were sup­pos­edly removed in the ‘90s to make her waist appear smaller, in a Bob Mackie gown and placed on a scale model of the set for The Cher Show.  “Some­times I just sit, hold­ing the Relic and singing “Gyp­sies, Tramps & Thieves,” and I can just feel power ema­nat­ing from the ribs.“
When asked if he really thought that he held Cher’s float­ing ribs–especially since she has denied that she has ever had such surgery, Quat­tle­baum paused, before lean­ing for­ward and ask­ing me if I believed in life after love.  He also said that he thinks it’s absurd that any­one has to be dead before they can be can­on­ized.  “Really!  What’s the point of being a saint if one’s not alive to enjoy it?”

Tahalia Roper, The Church of Saint Fran­cisc of Fifi cred­its Cher’s miss­ing ribs with sav­ing her mar­riage.  “I had burned a whole pot of gravy and didn’t know what to do with it.   Quat­tle­baum allowed her to hold the ribs until she received an answer:  Put it any­where it doesn’t burn.  Nei­ther the gravy or Mrs. Roper’s gravy went to waste.

When asked about the where­abouts of her ribs,  Cher had no comment.

 

Richard Gere to Publish Children's Book

 Animals, Celebrities, Humor, Kids, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Urban Myth  No Responses »
Mar 222011
 

Richard Gere will pub­lish his first children’s book, My Ger­bil and Me this spring through Tiny Tat­tler Press. Gere’s book is the first in a series of books writ­ten by celebri­ties who have been the vic­tims of urban myth.

Since the mid ‘80s, most every­one has met some­one who knows some­one who was a med­ical pro­fes­sional at Cedars-Sinai Med­ical Cen­ter in Los Ange­les when Richard Gere was admit­ted to the Emer­gency Room with com­plaints of rec­tal bleed­ing. A specu­lum exam revealed a bloody stool and a dead ger­bil, which was then sur­gi­cally removed by a gerbilectomy.

Gerbil-stuffing or ger­bil­ing is the prac­tice of where a ger­bil is forced into the rec­tum through the card­board tub­ing of a paper towel roll. The tube is then removed. The ger­bil fran­ti­cally scratches at the inte­rior lin­ing, which pro­duces an intense feel­ing for the host, before the ger­bil suf­fo­cates and is defe­cated. Although this prac­tice is attrib­uted to homo­sex­u­als, there are, in fact, no doc­u­mented cases of ger­bil­ing. Most likely, the rumor was cre­ated to attribute demo­nize homo­sex­u­als through their deviant sex­ual prac­tices, much like can­ni­bal­ism was attrib­uted to ene­mies in ancient times.

It’s unclear how this urban leg­end has become so promi­nently attached to Gere, except for the fact that he was at the height of his pop­u­lar­ity when the rumor began to cir­cu­late, in addi­tion to whis­pers that he is secretly gay.

“We believe that urban myth pro­vides the per­fect mate­r­ial to teach young chil­dren about truth, slan­der, and cru­elty to ani­mals, not to men­tion card­board tub­ing,” said Kiki Cum­mings, Pub­lisher of Tiny Tat­tler Press. “It also opens the door to dis­cussing how some groups of peo­ple are often demo­nized out of fear via rumor, as well as pro­vid­ing a segue for par­ents to dis­cuss sex­ual deviancy with their children.”

A col­lapsi­ble stuffed ger­bil named Somersby, a wink to Gere’s cin­e­matic pair­ing with Diane Keaton, was orig­i­nally planned to accom­pany the book, so that chil­dren could explore insert­ing objects into var­i­ous bod­ily ori­fices. How­ever, even with a tail that acted as a safety string, sev­eral test sub­jects did require trips to the ER.

Next up, Tiny Tat­tler Press con­tin­ues the series with the release of Rod Stewart’s Buck­ets of Fun later this summer.