“It seems like just yesterday I saw her in The Zombie Wore Go-Go Boots.” Joe Smithers stares into space, intermittently shaking his head and rubbing his temples. “She’s the one who first inspired me to stalk, and now … she’s gone. I just can’t believe it.”
The she in question is Bambi Danvers, a B-Movie darling who was prone to stumbling when being pursued by ninjas, cannibals, and the walking dead, as well as her famous DD breasts that often popped out of her costumes when she fell, most often when her movies were filmed in 3-D.
“Most people thought she was a bimbo,” Smithers said. “But I’ve gone through her trash many a time, and she uses Preparation H just like everybody else.” He grows quiet and smiles. “She liked smurfs. Did you know that?” He pauses again. “She also liked hot wax and handcuffs. They broke them mold when they made her.”
Danvers was discovered when she was just 17, passed out in front of a UCLA frat house. “There was something different about her,” said Barney Krunkite, her manager. “Something wholesome and peaceful about the way she looked, sleeping in her own vomit. I knew I had to sign her.”
Before the ink on her contract was dry, Krunkite landed her a role in The Wiener Dog That Ate South Beach. Demonstrating an innate talent for using her physical and dramatic assets in concert, she turned a few seconds of screen time as a topless sunbather who the mutant Dachshund chokes on into an iconic role that launched her career. “There was something about the way she jiggled while she delivered her one line, ‘Mmmph! Mmmph!’”
“The night I watched Wiener Dog at the drive-in, I instantly felt a connection,” Smithers said. I quit my job at K-Mart and hitchhiked to L.A. so I could find her.” As Danvers made more appearances down on the red carpet, she began to see a familiar face. “Sure, I may have followed her everywhere, but I was always polite about it, I always called her ma’am. And when I broke into her house, I’d always wash dishes or do a load of laundry.”
At the peak of her career, just after Who Will Pole Dance for the Children, the true story of Amanda Harris, a stripper who turned an unconventional career into a ministry to build orphanages in Cambodia, Danvers’ drug-dealer boyfriend, Eddie Rivera let himself into her home to surprise her, and found Smithers in bed with her. “You know, if he had tied her up and, you know, had his way with her, I could deal with that–it’s normal,” Rivera remembers. “But he was … cuddling with her. It’s just not right!” Rivera called the cops and convinced Danvers to press charges. Smithers was put away for two years.
“I don’t blame her,” Smithers said. “Even though she told me, later, that she regretted it, I needed help. And she loved me enough to help me.” On his release, Smithers joined Stalkers Anonymous and met Sally Bush, a former Jonas Brothers stalker, and a whirlwind romance ensued. “We had so much in common, it just made sense to get married.”
Sally soon gave birth to twins and the family moved into a rental house in Orange County, near the smoothie shop that Smithers manages. “Our prune smoothie, The Regulator, is our biggest seller, because we’re just around the corner from an assisted living facility.”
While Smithers’ star rose, Danvers’ fell. Her musical-martial-arts-serial-killer-legal-extravaganza, Chop Sue Me, tanked. Rivera had an allergic reaction to the drugs and was forced to move back home with his parents. Danvers succumbed to reality TV, soft-porn, and eventually dinner theater. Eventually, she ended up outside the Smoothie Boothie that her former stalker managed.
“At first, I was so scared I was going to fall back into my old ways,” Smithers said. “Even missing a few teeth and with her boobs dragging the ground, she was still beautiful to me.” Smithers slipped her smoothies, but soon she began to follow him home. “Sometimes I’d catch her standing in front of the house in the rain, watching us eat Sally’s meatloaf. I would have invited her in to join us, by Sally’s a terrible cook, and I just couldn’t do that to Ms. Danvers.” Instead, he’d invite her to sleep under his carport and leave a package of Pop Tarts on the back steps.
The last straw came when Sally came home from the grocery store to find Danvers had duct-taped herself, naked, to their refrigerator. “I came home right away and and had a heart-to-heart with Ms. Danvers. I told her that I loved, and even though it was the hardest thing I’d ever done, I was going to prove it to her: I called the cops.”
Smithers still remembers their last exchange as she sat in the back of the patrol car. “She said, ‘You’re the only one who ever really cared, Joe. Promise me that you won’t forget me.’ And I said, “Never, Ms. Danvers. No one will ever fill a pair of zombie-shredded hot pants like you.’ She smiled, and blew me an awkward kiss, because her hands were cuffed, and then they drove her to jail.”
When Smithers arrived to open Smoothie Boothie the next morning, a police officer was waiting for him. “So many people had beaten her down, she just didn’t have a the strength to carry on. She was a delicate flower, the Elizabeth Taylor of B-Movie films.” Sometime after 2:00 a.m., Bambi Danvers suffocated herself with her own DD breasts and moved onto the next adventure.
“I like to think she’s in a better place,” Smithers says, sniffing and wiping away a tear. “Some place where angels or Smurfs chase her and make her fall down and her boobs fly out.” Smithers grins. “She’d liked that.”