Mabel Mathers, President of the Crusaders for Christ Active Seniors Fun Committee at the Kissimicoochee First and One-Half Baptist Church, would like everyone to know the July 4th Celebration has been moved back to July 4th.
Early last week, the Crusaders for Christ Active Seniors Fun Committee, including Ms. Mathers, Earline Travis, and Otis Hogg, deemed it necessary to move the July 4th Celebration from Thursday, July 4th at noon, because Earline’s granddaughter, Emma Jean, would be marching in the Kissimicoochee Independence Day Parade in beautiful downtown Kissimicoochee. “This year is gonna be really special,” Ms. Travis said, “because they’re actually gonna light her flaming baton.” It was decided to move the July 4th Celebration to Wednesday, July 3 at 6:00 p.m.
Late last week, the Crusaders for Christ Active Seniors Fun Committee held an emergency meeting, since Mr. Hogg’s wife, Regina, unbeknownst to him, moved her ECT treatment from Monday, July 8 at 4:00 p.m. to Wednesday July 3 at the same time. Mr. Hogg shared his wife has a hard relationship with her sister-in-law (his brother’s wife), Anne Marie, and gets along much better when she cannot remember what a witch she is, thanks to the short-term memory loss that is a side effect of electroconvulsive therapy. The Committee voted to move the July 4th Celebration from Wednesday, July 3 at 6:00 p.m. to Friday, July 5 at 9:00 a.m., since the Hoggs would not be make it back from Coweta County Regional Hospital until late Wednesday night.
On Saturday morning, the Crusaders for Christ Active Seniors Fun Committee held another emergency meeting, as it had come to their attention that their fellow crusader, Velma Meadows, would not be able to attend the July 4th Celebration on Friday, July 5 at 9:00 a.m., as she will be at the Pearls Before Swine Beauty Parlor having roman candles removed from her hairdo after her annual pyro-performance as the clogging Lady Liberty. The Committe voted to move the July 4th Celebration, again, from Friday, July 5 at 9:00 a.m. to Tuesday, July 2 at 3:30 p.m.
On Sunday afternoon, after the 11:00 a.m. service, the Crusaders for Christ Active Seniors Fun Committee held an ad hoc meeting when Mavis Peeples, another fellow Crusader, who requested the Committee move the July 4th Celebration back to Sunday, July 7, after the church service. With a heavy heart, Ms. Peeples confessed her grandson, Cletus, had recently come out as a homosexual and had gone on a hunger strike until his family came round to accept his ungodly lifestyle. She felt confident she could wear him down by Sunday, July 7 in time to get him down front of the church for the altar call, as well as allowing him to defend his title as Winner of the Kissimicoochee Independence Day Hot Dog Eating Contest for the past four years running. The Committee agreed to move the July 4th Celebration from Tuesday, July 2 at 3:30 p.m. to Sunday, July 7 at 12:30 p.m.
This morning the Crusaders for Christ Active Seniors Fun Committee held their final emergency meeting after Helen “Bootsy” McGregor threatened to boycott the July 4th Celebration unless it was moved back to July 4, as her famous potato salad would not keep until Sunday, July 7, and suggested they remember the Great Food Poisoning of the Summer of ’62. The Committee voted unanimously to chance Cletus’ eternal soul in order to save more lives from the threat of salmonella. Plus, it just made more dang sense to have the July 4th Celebration on July 4th.
Ms. Mathers has stated the Committee’s decision is final and to quit calling them and harassing them at Wal-Mart. She looks forward to seeing everyone at the picnic, the Uncle Sam Pet Lookalike Contest, and the evening Sparkler Prayer Vigil.