Cult of Jef

As Tracey Miller stag­gered home from The Last Chance Tex­aco Bar & Restau­rant in Corn­ta­sia, Kansas last Sat­ur­day, she told author­i­ties that she was accosted by a scare­crow who demanded all her cash and insist­ing that she fon­dle his stuffing.

“I was scared to death,” said Miller, 23, a den­tal hygien­ist stu­dent at nearby Squat­ter Tech.  “But I knew I had to keep my wits about me, or some trucker who stops to uri­nate on the side of the high­way was going to find my decom­pos­ing body in a ditch.”

Miller stated that she told the scare­crow that she was reach­ing into her purse for her cash and debit card, but instead pulled out her iPhone and pro­ceeded to use her vir­tual lighter app as a weapon.  “I shoved it in his face and screamed, ‘How about a lit­tle fire, scarecrow!”

Accord­ing to Miller, the scare­crow darted across the street and dis­ap­peared into a nearby corn­field.  No farm­ers have reported miss­ing scare­crows, and Corn­ta­sia police have no sus­pects in cus­tody.  Although they did find a small pile of debris at the sight of the crime, Sgt. Mack Turner could not ver­ify that Miller did indeed scare the straw out of the crim­i­nal scarecrow.

Since her har­row­ing inci­dent, Ms. Miller has been dis­mayed at the lack of sup­port she has received.  “Peo­ple are say­ing that I made all this up,” Miller said.  “Why would I do that?”

“Well, she did have more than her share of Ruby Slip­pers at Last Chance that night,” said Donna Nugent, 26, a bar­maid at Last Chance Tex­aco Bar and Restau­rant.  “I finally had to tell her that we couldn’t serve her, any­more, and she grabbed her purse and stag­gered out in a huff.”

“That girl is a no good tramp,” said Peggy Van Thurber, 53, the organ­ist at the Corn­ta­sia Bap­tist Church.  “She’ll go home with any man–scarecrow, tin man, or even a winged monkey!”

“I think she believes a scare­crow tried to mug her,” said, Judy Gilbreath, 31, a home­maker and fel­low Wiz­ard of Oz enthu­si­ast, like Miller.  “Tracey really gets into reen­act­ing the movie, and some­times she gets a lit­tle too into it.  I mean, the last time I saw her, she told me she was going to legally change her name to Dorothy Gale.”

When asked about Gilbreath’s the­ory, Miller told this reporter that she was return­ing to her par­ents’ house in Sun­flower Hill until the brouhaha died down.  “Some­times, there’s no place like home.”