As Tracey Miller staggered home from The Last Chance Texaco Bar & Restaurant in Corntasia, Kansas last Saturday, she told authorities that she was accosted by a scarecrow who demanded all her cash and insisting that she fondle his stuffing.
“I was scared to death,” said Miller, 23, a dental hygienist student at nearby Squatter Tech. “But I knew I had to keep my wits about me, or some trucker who stops to urinate on the side of the highway was going to find my decomposing body in a ditch.”
Miller stated that she told the scarecrow that she was reaching into her purse for her cash and debit card, but instead pulled out her iPhone and proceeded to use her virtual lighter app as a weapon. “I shoved it in his face and screamed, ‘How about a little fire, scarecrow!”
According to Miller, the scarecrow darted across the street and disappeared into a nearby cornfield. No farmers have reported missing scarecrows, and Corntasia police have no suspects in custody. Although they did find a small pile of debris at the sight of the crime, Sgt. Mack Turner could not verify that Miller did indeed scare the straw out of the criminal scarecrow.
Since her harrowing incident, Ms. Miller has been dismayed at the lack of support she has received. “People are saying that I made all this up,” Miller said. “Why would I do that?”
“Well, she did have more than her share of Ruby Slippers at Last Chance that night,” said Donna Nugent, 26, a barmaid at Last Chance Texaco Bar and Restaurant. “I finally had to tell her that we couldn’t serve her, anymore, and she grabbed her purse and staggered out in a huff.”
“That girl is a no good tramp,” said Peggy Van Thurber, 53, the organist at the Corntasia Baptist Church. “She’ll go home with any man–scarecrow, tin man, or even a winged monkey!”
“I think she believes a scarecrow tried to mug her,” said, Judy Gilbreath, 31, a homemaker and fellow Wizard of Oz enthusiast, like Miller. “Tracey really gets into reenacting the movie, and sometimes she gets a little too into it. I mean, the last time I saw her, she told me she was going to legally change her name to Dorothy Gale.”
When asked about Gilbreath’s theory, Miller told this reporter that she was returning to her parents’ house in Sunflower Hill until the brouhaha died down. “Sometimes, there’s no place like home.”