Top Ten Historical Figures Who Most Likely Would Have Been Beliebers

 Celebrities, History, Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Pop Music, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
May 232013
 

Belieber IDYou may have heard or read how Cana­dian pop singer Justin Bieber recently vis­ited the Anne Frank House and wrote in the guest book  that he hoped Anne would have been a Belieber.  It got me won­der­ing what other famous names through­out his­tory might have been Justin Bieber fans, so here are the top ten his­tor­i­cal fig­ures who most likely would have been Beliebers:

01. Obvi­ously, Christo­pher Colum­bus would have lined up to get Justin to auto­graph his copy of My World 2.0, thank­ful Bieber took his advice not to name it Amer­i­cus 2.0

02. Cleopa­tra, being just a teenager her­self when she took the throne of Egypt, would have most likely tried to gain an audi­ence with Justin after one of his con­certs, claim­ing to be his “per­sonal deity.”

03. Albert Ein­stein would have been a fan of Justin’s whim­si­cal hair­styles.  After all, Albert did say that imag­i­na­tion is more impor­tant than knowledge.

04. Lucre­cia Bor­gia would have had no prob­lem issu­ing death threats against other celebri­ties who stole an award–say a Grammy–from Justin.  How­ever, if Lucre­cia asks you, after a spir­ited debate over dif­fer­ing opin­ions about Mr. Bieber, to name your poi­son, I sug­gest you don’t.

05.Vlad the Impaler would really know how to take care of the haters, more than likely, impal­ing them on wooden stakes to rethink the the error of their ways.

06. Marie Antoinette would have been power Twit­ter user, and, no doubt, would have led the way to out­smart Twit­ter when they changed their algo­rithm to remove per­sis­tently trend­ing top­ics, like Justin Bieber, by pur­posely mis­spelling his name in their tweets, most famously with, “Can’t wait to kiss my Beaver.”

07. Inuk Nanook of the Arc­tic Cir­cle would have delighted in putting down his har­poon to fol­low Justin from city to city to watch him per­form, feel­ing a cer­tain con­nec­tion with him, because Justin believes he has an unde­ter­mined Cana­dian Abo­rig­i­nal ancestry.

08. Some his­tor­i­cal fig­ures are only happy when they get someone’s goat; Adolf Hitler would have got­ten sat­is­fac­tion in claim­ing Justin’s mon­key for Ger­many, when Bieber failed to pro­vide doc­u­ments, all while per­form­ing Ludacris’ verse-rap from “Baby.”

09. Writer, activist, and fem­i­nist would have enjoyed the sub­ver­sive nature of hid­ing behind the Twit­ter han­dle @HappyHomemaker4eva and antag­o­niz­ing Justin and other Beliebers with DMs, while mem­o­riz­ing the lyrics to all of his songs.

10. As a Belieber, Oscar Wilde could have indulged his infat­u­a­tion for younger men and observed plenty of source mate­r­ial for his witty say­ings, such as, “Youth is wasted on the young.”

Mysterious Man Seduces Seniors in Golden Girls Scam

 Celebrities, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Feb 052013
 

Caricature Sketch of Burt ReynoldsKissim­i­coochee Police are inves­ti­gat­ing com­plaints from fam­ily mem­bers of a mys­te­ri­ous man seduc­ing their moth­ers and grandmothers.

Intro­duc­ing him­self as Burt Reynold–singular with no “S”–he told female senior cit­i­zens he was audi­tion­ing beau­ti­ful and charm­ing women over the age of sixty-five for a motion pic­ture reboot of The Golden Girls, the sit­u­a­tion com­edy about four middle-aged women shar­ing a home in Miami, Florida.

Telling the women he had been referred to them by some­one they knew who sug­gested her for the part of sizzin­gling sex­pot and south­ern belle, Blanche Dev­ereaux, he would gain access to their homes where he would read lines from a scene where the girls attend a hen party after Rose unknow­ingly takes a part-time job as a sales per­son for adult nov­elty items. Reynold would film the steamy scene with his iPhone, and give the women footrubs and feed them cheese­cake, before disappearing.

Although none of the women have com­plained about their vis­its from Reynold, fam­ily mem­bers are up in arms.

““It’s dis­gust­ing that a com­plete stranger can just sashay into Mama’s room here at the Blue Rinse Assisted Liv­ing Facil­ity for Women for feet rubs, cheese­cake, and God only know what kind of debauch­ery has been uploaded to YouTube,” said Mandy Phillips, 47, the daugh­ter of Ms. Abi­gail Tor­rance. “Not only is Mama dia­betic, but I have no idea where that man’s hands have been, let alone if he washed them before touch­ing Mama’s tootsies.”

When asked for her opin­ion on Mr. Reynold, Ms. Tor­rance replied, “I hope Mr. Magic Fin­gers comes back soon and brings more of that tur­tle cheesecake–it was to die for!”

A police sketch artist was able to come up with an image of Mr. Magic Fin­gers from Ms. Torrance’s descrip­tion. (See above.) If any­one sees a man match­ing this descrip­tion, please con­tact the Kissim­i­coochee Police Depart­ment … and don’t let him touch your feet or nib­ble on his cheesecake.

Watch Smoothies with the Stars This Thursday

 Celebrities, Health, Humor, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Television  No Responses »
Jan 152013
 

Smoothie and FruitABC intro­duces Smooth­ies with the Stars to its Thurs­day night lineup, a real­ity TV show where not-so-popular celebri­ties com­pete to mix the per­fect smoothie.

““When we cre­ated the show, we had two things in mind,” said pro­ducer Lina Edwards. “We wanted to find some­thing for Vicki Lawrence to do, because we love her, and we wanted to focus on some­thing that pro­moted health.”

The premise of the show is for the stars to com­pete to design the most inno­v­a­tive, nutri­tious, and deli­cious smoothie with themed ingre­di­ents. “Look­ing back over the entire first sea­son, I think the most mem­o­rable moments were Mary Lou Ret­ton and Toni Basil going blender-to-blender in the slaugh­ter­house and Scott Baio and Troy Aik­man nearly com­ing to blows over the last of the blue­ber­ries on our spe­cial President’s Day set.”

In addi­tion to the stars men­tioned above, the com­pe­ti­tion also includes the fol­low­ing celebri­ties: Paula Abdul, Troy Aik­man, Dab­ney Cole­man, Kim Fields, Boy George, Lorenzo Lamas, Valerie Per­ine, Den­nis Rod­man, and Jim­mie Walker.

The judges include: Jean Luc La Rue, owner of La Juice Bar in Los Ange­les; Mary Ebert, Con­tribut­ing Nutri­tion Edi­tor at MomsAtTheEndofTheirRope.com, and Ger­tie Lopez, a stu­dent at Sun­shine Val­ley Preschool and very finicky eater, accord­ing to her mom.

Smoothes with the Stars pre­miers Thurs­day, Jan­u­ary 17 at 9:00 p.m. East­ern Stan­dard Time (EST).

ER Doctor Removes TV Chef from Turkey

 Celebrities, Food, Holidays, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Television  No Responses »
Nov 202012
 

Doc­tors at Kissim­i­coochee Memo­r­ial Hos­pi­tal removed a human from a turkey on Sat­ur­day evening.

““When the nurse called me into the exam­in­ing room, I was expect­ing to find a horny thirteen-year-old boy with God knows what stuck God knows where,” said ER physi­cian Travis Fil­more.  Instead, he found Chef Tammy McGre­gor, host of the pop­u­lar poul­try cook­ing pro­gram, Give ‘em the Bird.

““I was demon­strat­ing how to stuff the turkey, when my hand got caught inside,” said McGre­gor.   “I guess I pan­icked, because I started run­ning around the stu­dio and try­ing to shake the bird off.”  In the process, she man­aged to knock a cam­era­man cold and slime all five peo­ple in her stu­dio audience.

Dr. Fil­more was able to use a scalpel to cut the turkey in half and dis­cov­ered McGregor’s charm bracelet had become snagged on a rib.

Although McGre­gor was happy to be free, she was dis­ap­pointed her cam­era­man  didn’t cap­ture some­thing more dra­matic.  “I asked Dr. Fil­more to use the Jaws of Life, but he said it wasn’t nec­es­sary, so I gave him a dif­fer­ent type of bird.”

Top Ten Funniest Bananarama Stories

 80s, Celebrities, fashion, Humor, Music, New Wave, Parody, Pop Culture, Pop Music, Top Ten Thursdays, Video, Women's Interest  4 Responses »
Oct 042012
 

Since Bana­narama is com­ing to the Hard Rock Café in Atlanta on Sun­day for Pink­to­ber, I thought I would com­pile the top ten fun­ni­est Bana­narama sto­ries that I remem­ber them shar­ing in inter­views over the years:

01. The idea for the name Bana­narama came from a love of Roxy Music’s “Pyja­ma­rama” and the fact that their first sin­gle, a cover of Black Blood’s “Aie a Mwana,” was sung in Swahili, so they tried to think of some­thing trop­i­cal, arriv­ing at bananas.  “If we had known we were going to last 3o years,” Keren Wood­ward said, “we would have cho­sen some­thing less embarrassing.”

02. When Keren and Sara Dallin, child­hood friends, first moved to Lon­don, they shared a room at the Y.W.C.A.  Keren worked in the Account­ing Depart­ment at the B.B.C. because she tested well in math, while Sara attended Lon­don Fash­ion Col­lege, where she met Siob­han.  Even­tu­ally, Keren and Sara were kicked out of the Y.W.C.A. for keep­ing late hours, because they liked to stay out late at the clubs.

03. The girls were friends with Paul Cook, the for­mer drum­mer for the Sex Pis­tols.  He let them live in the room above his rehearsal studio

04. Terry Hall of Fun Boy Three saw Bananarama’s pic­ture in The Face (mag­a­zine) and liked their thrift store style, so he rang them up to meet them.  Hall was ter­ri­bly shy and Bana­narama was ter­ri­bly shy, so they all stared at their moc­casins and barely said any­thing.  Even­tu­ally, the man­aged to record a cover of “Ain’t What You Do (It’s the Way That You Do It)” and it was Bananarama’s first big hit.

05. After the suc­cess of “Ain’t What You Do (It’s the Way That You Do It),” Fun Boy Three backed Bana­narama on their cover of the Velvette’s “Really Say­ing Some­thing.”  While per­form­ing the song on Ger­man T.V., they were goof­ing around and acci­den­tally knocked the set down.

06.Siobhan Fahey once asked for a light for her cig­a­rette. Sarah got dis­tracted while light­ing the cig­a­rette and acci­den­tally set Siobhan’s hair on fire.

07. After Bana­narama had a hit with “Robert De Niro’s Wait­ing,” the actor rang them up at the flat they shared and asked them out for a drink. They were so ner­vous that they got hor­ri­bly drunk before they went to meet him.

08. Keren lives with Andrew Ridge­ley from Wham! on a farm in Corn­wall.  George Michael some­times flies out in his heli­copter to visit them.  In a radio inter­view, Keren shared that George had recently given her son Tom a lift back to Lon­don in his heli­copter.  This was shortly after one of George’s auto­mo­bile mishaps, so Keren added, “For the record, he wasn’t dri­ving the heli­copter.  I’m not mad, you know.”

09. While on the Here & Now Tour, a disco ball fell from the ceil­ing, nar­rowly miss­ing Boy George dur­ing a rehearsal.  He joked that Bana­narama was try­ing to kill him.

10. When Sara’s daugh­ter, Alice, was younger, she didn’t believe that her mother had once been in Britain’s most suc­cess­ful girl group and had had more hits than the Spice Girls.

11. Keren and Sara were once at a pub when Sara asked what George Michael was up to these days. Keren said, “I know his alarm code, let’s go let our­selves into his house and find out.” When they got inside they found George Michael in his paja­mas with lit­tle trains on them. He said, “Oh, it’s you lot.”

Dawn French, Jen­nifer Saun­ders, and Kathy Burke par­o­died Bana­narama for their 1988 Christ­mas spe­cial.  Bana­narama enjoyed it so much, they joined forces for a cover of the Bea­t­les’ “Help!” for Comic Relief the fol­low­ing year.

Lananeeneenoonoo’s Par­ody of Bananarama

“Help!” — Bana­narama with Lananaeeeenoonoo


 

Tracey Ullman’s Spoof of “Shy Boy” on Three of a Kind

Local DJ Claims to Have Discovered Long Lost Member of Bananarama in His Deepfreeze

 Celebrities, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  1 Response »
Oct 022012
 

For­mer KISS 96 DJ, Chuck “Me-Roc” Den­ton, called the Kissime­coochee Police Depart­ment over the week­end and claimed that he found the long lost mem­ber of Bana­narama, Britain’s most suc­cess­ful all girl group ever, in his deep­freeze, between a half-gallon of May­field Moose Tracks ice cream and a family-pack of Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks.

Bana­narama was orig­i­nally founded in 1981 by Sara Dallin, Siob­han Fahey, and Keren Wood­ward.  Fahey left the group in early 1988 to pur­sue a new musi­cal direc­tion with Shakespear’s Sis­ter.  She was replaced by singer Jacquie O’Sullivan, who left the group in 1991.  Dallin and Wood­ward have car­ried on as Bana­narama since that time.  It was unclear as to whether Den­ton was refer­ring to Fahey or O’Sullivan, and how they came to be in Kissime­coochee, Geor­gia, let alone his deepfreeze.

When Sher­iff Amos Tucker arrived at Denton’s home, he dis­cov­ered a small body shrouded in col­or­ful Hello Kitty wrap­ping paper.  When Sher­iff Tucker called in his foren­sics spe­cial­ist, Bob Eubanks, owner of Bob’s Big Beef Butcher Shop, they dis­cov­ered the body to be ven­tril­o­quist dummy with a pic­ture of Susan­nah Hoff’s face taped the head of the dummy.  Although Hoff’s was a mem­ber of an all-female band in the 80s, she was a lead vocal­ist and rhythm gui­tarist for The Bangles–not Bananarama.

Bananrama’s man­age­ment con­firmed that all cur­rent and for­mer mem­bers are alive and well.  Dallin & Wood­ward are tour­ing the U.S. as part of Pink­to­ber, the Hard Rock Cafe’s cam­paign for breast can­cer aware­ness.  Fahey still records new music as Shake­spears Sis­ter and divides her time between Los Ange­les and the U.K.  O’Sullivan teaches yoga & belly dances, now spend­ing most of her time in Thai­land and India.

Denton’s mother, Etta Gale, announced at a press con­fer­ence out­side her trailer this morn­ing that her son had checked into the Shady Mead­ows Clinic & RV Park for treat­ment.  “Bubba’s been writ­ing his mem­oirs for the past few years,” Etta Gale said.  “Recently, he had been sad­dened by how much smaller the chicken ten­ders had got­ten in the Coun­try Bas­ket down at Dairy Queen, and I think Mr. Sharma (Reg­gie Sharma, the owner of the Kissimeecoochee Dairy Queen) shares some of the blame for Bubba’s relapse.”

Some res­i­dents of Kissime­coochee may recall how Den­ton retired after lock­ing him­self in the sound booth at KISS 96 and play­ing Falco’s “Rock Me Amadeus” over and over again until a lock­smith arrived.  Den­ton retired and was treated at Shady Mead­ows for an addic­tion to For­mula 44T, a dia­bol­i­cal mix­ture of Vick’s cough syrup and sweet tea.

Top Ten Best One-Liners from Phyllis Diller

 Celebrities, Comedian, Humor, Pop Culture, Top Ten Thursdays, Women's Interest  2 Responses »
Aug 232012
 

Come­dian Phyl­lis Diller dies on Mon­day.  I couldn’t help but remem­ber how excited I got when­ever I came across her on a talk show or an old Bob Hope movie on tele­vi­sion.  Here are her top ten pieces of comedic wisdom:

01. Most chil­dren threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some par­ents going.

02. You know you’re old if they have dis­con­tin­ued your blood type.

03. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

04. I want my chil­dren to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

05. Any time three New York­ers get into a cab with­out an argu­ment, a bank has just been robbed.

06. A bach­e­lor is a guy who never made the same mis­take once.

07. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

08. The rea­son women don’t play foot­ball is because 11 of them would never wear the same out­fit in public.

09. Always be nice to your chil­dren because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

10. A smile is a curve that sets every­thing straight.

And, of course, my favorite joke she ever told on the Tonight Show with Johnny Car­son:  “I thought I had a fire­fly in my kitchen.  Turns out, it was a roach flick­ing it’s Bic.”

Bi-Polar Dairy Queen Worker Believes She Is Katie Holmes

 Celebrities, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  2 Responses »
Jul 032012
 

Becky Polp, 23, a Dairy Queen employee in Kissim­i­coochee, Geor­gia, has suf­fered from a psy­chopatho­log­i­cal break­down where she now believes she is actress Katie Holmes. which doc­tors believe may have resulted from her bi-polar disorder.

Polyp, who has won a Gold Medal in the Dairy Queen Olympics for the past five years for her prowess with soft serve ice cream, was rushed to the hos­pi­tal late Mon­day night when she informed her mother that she had to hide Suri or the Sci­en­tol­o­gists were going to get her.  Polyp then pro­ceeded to swal­low her iPhone 4S.

““It was so dis­turb­ing,” Polyp’s mother, Pat, con­fessed.  “She kept talk­ing to her belly like it was her child, and then Siri–you know, that lit­tle assis­tant built into the iPhone–it would talk back to her.  I guess it’s a good thing, because we got lost on the way to the new hos­pi­tal, and Siri gave us directions.”

Doc­tors suc­cess­fully removed the iPhone from Polyp, but she is cur­rently con­fined to a pri­vate room until her delu­sions of grandeur have passed.

““She’s still kind of out of it,” her mother said.  “She just keeps say­ing the same things over and over again:  ‘Tom is not a homo­sex­ual.  For the last time, I am not Vic­to­ria Beck­ham.  And I never should have done that movie with Queen Lat­i­fah.’  Frankly, I’m wor­ried and we could really use everyone’s prayers.”

Mar­i­anne Snow, Pres­i­dent of the Ladies’ Bible Brigade at the Kissim­i­coochee First Bap­tist Church, will hold a can­dle­light vigil in the Dairy Queen park­ing lot tonight.  “I believe that God put each and every­one of us on this earth for a rea­son,” Snow said.  “And I think that Becky’s gift was mak­ing a holy Dilly Bar.  No one can put a curlicue on a soft serve ice cream dipped in choco­late like she can.  I believe there’s a lit­tle bit of Jesus in the ice cream that Becky has touched, dipped into the Choco­late of Christ, if you will.  And I will not rest until God has dri­ven Katie Holmes and those Sci­en­tol­o­gists out of her lit­tle body and Becky returns to where she belongs, behind the counter of Kissimicoochee’s Dairy Queen.”

Marg­eret Leakey, Kissimicoochee’s sole athe­ist, plans to picket the can­dle­light vigil, as Snow’s hus­band, Dea­con Don, is sup­pos­edly a silent part­ner in For the Eyes of God, Inc. that owns the Dairy Queen.

Local Celebrity Mom Lays Off Children

 Celebrities, Family, Humor, Kids, Parents, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Jun 262012
 

Darla McGre­gor, 27, star of the Real House­wives of Kissim­i­coochee, has given laid off her three chil­dren Kylie (7), Jamal (5), and Chico (3).

““I just came to the real­iza­tion that they were cramp­ing my lifestyle, so I took them to the Dairy Queen for dipped cones and told them that I had decided to go in another direc­tion and I would no longer need them,” said McGregor.

The chil­dren have 30 days to find a new fam­ily before they will be escorted from the fam­ily home at the Lazy Mead­ows Trailer Park & Butane Emporium.

McGre­gor plans to move to Atlanta to start up her mail-order henna tramp stamp busi­ness, Tramps-in-the-Mail.

The chil­dren, how­ever, have not taken this lying down.  In a press con­fer­ence out­side Ms. Essie’s Day­care, Chico shouted, “This is a dia­per full of poo!  I wouldn’t even treat a teddy bear this way.  Jamal stated that he planned to sue his mother for a gazil­lion chocolate-chip cook­ies.  Kylie has just inked a book deal with Harper­Collins Children’s Books.  The pub­lisher plans to fast-track Kylie’s tell-all mem­oir of her mother’s crazed crys­tal meth-fueled les­bian orgies, enti­tled Mom­mie Queer­est.

McGre­gor released her own state­ment.  “Why do chil­dren inter­pret aban­don­ment as rejec­tion,” she said.  “It’s not that I don’t love my chil­dren, I just don’t want any­thing to do with them, any­more.  I wish them the best in all their future endeav­ors, and hope that they always remem­ber me as their mother.”

After reporters relayed this to Chico just before his nap­time, he com­mented on his mother’s state­ment.  “Believe me, I will always think of that  ho as a real mutha.  Love and peace, now bring me my @#%* security blanket.”

 Posted by at 7:00 am

The Face of the Virgin Mary Tyler Moore Appears in Minneapolis

 70s, Celebrities, Coffee, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Television  No Responses »
May 222012
 

Peo­ple have flocked to a dump­ster behind the Dunk & Slurp Cof­fee Shop and Donut Empo­rium to see what some say is the image of Mary Tyler Moore.  Skep­tics say that the image is rust; faith­ful fans say that it’s a mir­a­cle, cap­tur­ing the iconic mage of Moore, por­tray­ing the char­ac­ter of Mary Richards on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, toss­ing her Tam o’ Shanter in the air in down­town Minneapolis.

The “mir­a­cle” was dis­cov­ered by Mindy Wom­ack, 28, an down-on-her-luck elbow model and Avon rep­re­sen­ta­tive, who was dump­ster div­ing for some­thing to eat.  “I was wrestling with a rat over an eighth of a chocolate-frosted donut, when I just gave up.  I fell back into the filth, sob­bing, and prayed to God to give me a sign.  Then I heard a voice.”

Reports con­tra­dict one another about whether the voice said, “Oh, Rob!” or “Oh, Mr. Grant!”  How­ever, the sound caused Wom­ack to glance up and spy the vis­age of Moore on the dump­ster.  “As soon as I saw the Vir­gin Mary, I felt like some­one had just turned the world on with a smile–and I knew that I was was going to make it after all.”

When this reporter pointed out that Mary Tyler Moore is not, in fact, a vir­gin, since she did give birth to a son, Richard, in 1956, Wom­ack responded, “Is there noth­ing the Vir­gin Mary can’t do!”

In honor of the mir­a­cle, and Moore’s char­i­ta­ble work to raise aware­ness of dia­betes mel­li­tus type 1, the Dunk & Slurp now offers the MTM, a sugar-free donut, for a lim­ited time only, since they will even­tu­ally be forced to empty the dump­ster with the alleged image of Moore.

Until then, the faith­ful con­tinue to file by to see the mir­a­cle.  “When you get up there and look into her eyes, you can just smell the spunk in their air,” said Sofia Con­suela Mar­garita Her­nan­dez, 47, a domes­tic.  Naysay­ers counter that it’s sim­ply the stink of the garbage.

Page 1 of 41234