Top Ten Practical Superheroes for Today's World

 Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Science Fiction, Top Ten Thursdays  3 Responses »
Nov 012012
 

How often do you need some­one to leap over a tall build­ing in a sin­gle bound? Or to climb walls? Or a lift in an invis­i­ble plane? As I was sit­ting in traf­fic, a bit tired from lack of sleep and low blood sugar, I con­sid­ered what super pow­ers peo­ple I know would really appre­ci­ate. There­fore, I give you the top ten prac­ti­cal super­heroes for today’s world:

01. Pass­word Pete — Some­one who helps you remem­ber the funk, 18-letter pass­word that must have upper case & lower case let­ters, numer­als, punc­tu­a­tion, and Tibetan sym­bols to log in to the knit­ting web­site that you order your mother’s Christ­mas present from once per year.

02. Cup­cake Queen — A hero­ine who can stop a melt­down with a var­i­ous fla­vored cup­cakes with exces­sive frost­ing that are able to give an ele­phant dia­betes with one lick.

03. Super Dick — A super-powered pri­vate eye who will take pic­tures of phi­lan­der­ing hus­band cheat­ing on you while wear­ing your lin­gerie and then humil­i­ate him in front of his bud­dies with 8x10 glossies.

04. The Cold­cocker — A hero­ine who will get a child to sleep–by any means necessary.

05. Exer­cist — A hero who is able to take over your body and give it a vig­or­ous work­out while you sleep.

06. The Bi-Bi Twins — Con­joined sis­ters who will help your hus­band through his midlife cri­sis by mak­ing out with each other in front of him, so he’ll quite pes­ter­ing you to help him live out his les­bian fan­tasy of watch­ing you with some chick the two of you pick up at a bar or all-you-can-eat steakhouse.

07. Sharp­shooter — A hero with the uncanny abil­ity to teach any man to uri­nate in a toi­let with­out spilling a sin­gle drop on the seat.

08. The Vibra­tor — A giant, tire­less tongue who helps uptight women find their G-spots.

09. The Kid Next Door — A boy who will take out your trash, mow your grass, lis­ten to your wife talk inces­santly about her fren­emy, score a gram of coke, and deliver pizza and beer out of the good­ness of his heart.

10. Gay Man — A hero who loves to go shop­ping with you and pick out clothes, cooks, cleans, dances with you, and takes care of him­self, as well as putting an effort into his appear­ance. Oh wait, this super­hero is for real!

Top Ten Best Cities to Hold a Star Trek Convention

 Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Science Fiction, Television, Top Ten Thursdays  2 Responses »
Sep 272012
 

As I was flip­ping through an atlas the other day, I came across a num­ber of unusu­ally named cities that would make great places to hold a Star Trek con­ven­tion.  Trekkies, take note of the top ten best cities to hold a Star Trek convention:

01. Kirk, Texas

02. McCoy, Colorado

03. Vul­can, West Virginia

04. Romu­lus, New York

05. Rod­den­berry, Georgia

06. Enterprise, West Virginia

07. Chapel Hill, North Carolina

08. Pike, California

09. Mudville, TN

10. Trib­ble, West Virginia

Why I Never Forgave George Lucas

 80s, Books, Essays, Humor, Kids, Memory Mondays, Movies, Pop Culture, Science Fiction, Toys  5 Responses »
Aug 132012
 

When I was twelve George Lucas was God.  I wor­shipped the Force and lived by the Gospel of Star Wars, impa­tiently await­ing the Rap­ture of the sequel.

One Sat­ur­day after­noon, as I left the bar­ber shop, I saw a mass mar­ket paper­back of The Empire Strikes Back in the win­dow of the book­store next door, months before the movie was released.  I begged my father to buy it for me.

I stayed up all night to read the book, only to dis­cover that Han Solo gets the Princess.

How could this be?

In the orig­i­nal movie, Leia gave Luke a kiss for luck.

What an awk­ward moment!

My action fig­ures had been “going together” for the past three years; some­times they parked under my bed and made out in Luke’s landspeeder.

What is an ado­les­cent to do?

“Bring me the head of George Lucas!” I com­manded, although I pos­sessed no army of min­ions to carry out my bid­ding.  Instead, I threw a tiny, plas­tic Han Solo in a shoe­box and exiled him to the top shelf of my closet, guilty by complicity.

In time, I learned that the trou­ble with liv­ing in a Uni­verse of Good and Evil, is that there is no place for shades of gray.  With each new year, I became aware that both Luke Sky­walker and Darth Vader live inside all of us.  I also kissed a scoundrel or two.

Even­tu­ally, I par­doned Han Solo and he shacked up with the Princess in the shoe­box, but I never for­gave George Lucas.

Top Ten Ways to Know if You've Turned into a Zombie

 Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Science Fiction, Top Ten Thursdays, Zombies  No Responses »
Feb 022012
 

So often we find our­selves on autopi­lot, going through the motions of life, like a zom­bie.  They say that only sane peo­ple ever ques­tion whether they might be crazy, so per­haps it’s a good idea to ques­tion, now and then, whether one is a zom­bie.  Here are 10 tips to help:

01. You’re not quite the con­ver­sa­tion­al­ist that you used to be.

02. You’ve got a han­ker­ing for a hunk of human brains.

03. Per­sonal hygiene just isn’t as impor­tant as it used to be.

04. Even though you were never inter­ested in jog­ging before, you now feel com­pelled to chase peo­ple until your legs fall off.

05. You miss hang­ing out with your friends.  You just want to meet up with them, find out what’s been going on with them lately, and eat their flesh.

06. You can use your entrails as a scarf.  Sachey, chantey!  Chantey!  Chantey!  Chantey!

07. You can instantly lose 10 lbs. by chew­ing off your arm.

08. Your Chi­huahua has flown the purse.

09. You’re will­ing to share Cher with other zom­bies.  Pass the medulla oblon­gata, but you can keep the wig!  The Bob Mackie gown is deli­cious, though.

10. When you cor­ner a human prey, you fall for the “Hey, is that a piece of brain stuck between your teeth,” so you stop and check, and you do have a piece of brain stuck between your teeth, but let your lunch get away.  Not only are you a zom­bie, but you’re a gullible zom­bie.  Now, the other zom­bies will make fun of you.

Southern Litmus Test for Pod People

 Aliens, Conspiracy Theories, Essays, Food, Holidays, Humor, Memory Mondays, Pop Culture, Science Fiction, So So Southern  1 Response »
Jan 232012
 

I’ve often felt that if aliens landed in the South and tried to pass them off as South­ern­ers, a good way to spot them would be to send them into BBQ joint to order a slice of pecan pie.

You see, you can always spot some­one who wasn’t born in the South by the way they pro­nounce the word pecan.  If you’ve grown up in the South, you say, pi-kahn, nat­u­rally.  If you’re from any­where else, you’ll typ­i­cally say pee-kan, which brings to mind some­one uri­nat­ing into an alu­minum cylinder.

So, in review, pi-kahn, makes one think of hol­i­day desserts, like pecan pie, fam­ily, the com­fort of home, and some­one whistling “Dixie.”  Pee-kan makes one envi­sion a father who refuses to stop the car for a child with a chal­lenged blad­der, Yan­kees who’ve come down south to take over, and Pod Peo­ple who are wait­ing for you to go to sleep so they can replace you with a soy-alternative clone.

Repeat after me: Pik-kahn–unless you’re a Pod Person.

Pedro Almodovar to Direct 'Steel Magnolias in Outer Space'

 Celebrities, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, Parody, Pop Culture, Science Fiction, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Jan 102012
 

Film­maker Pedro Almod­ovar has signed on with 20th Cen­tury Fox to direct a reboot of Steel Mag­no­lias, star­ing orig­i­nal cast mem­bers Olympia Dukakis, Sally Field, Dar­ryl Han­nah, Shirley MacLaine, Dolly Par­ton, and Julia Roberts.

Hol­ly­wood hopes that Almod­var will be able to pro­duce a movie that will attract mem­bers of the Big Four: males 13–29, females 13–29, males 30-death, and females 30-death.

“Every­one knows that teenage males require spe­cial effects, gore, and top­less actresses, while teenage girls pre­fer angst-fueled teenage vam­pire boys with greasy hair. Older males go to the movies for car chases, naked women, and middle-aged men who try to recap­ture their youth by streak­ing, while older females like to watch older women find them­selves by learn­ing how to make straw­berry pre­serves or love affairs with younger men with long hair,” said Ted Mor­ri­son, a motion mar­ket­ing expert. “Hol­ly­wood believes that a flam­boy­ant gay Spaniard is the one man who can pull them all in.”

With a work­ing title of Steel Mag­no­lias in Outer Space, our favorite ladies from Chin­quapin Parish find them­selves on the other side of the uni­verse when Truvy’s beauty shop is sucked through a worm­hole. Annelle attempts to con­vert the aliens to Chris­tian­ity while doing really good hair. M’Lynn clones Shelby via a locket with her daughter’s hair in it, but suc­ceeds in pro­duc­ing an ever grow­ing Pep­to­bis­mol pink set of lips that suck the life out of any­one who talks about them like they’re not there. Mean­while Ouiser and Clairee attempt to to save the moth­er­ship from the Planet Pig­gly Wig­gly by push­ing it back in orbit with an 18-booster rocket while pro­tect­ing them­selves from the solar flares with a giant sun­hat. Finally, Truvy must do a makeover on a black hole before it sucks the entire planet into a maw so dark that not event high­lights can escape.

The screen­play is writ­ten by Her­mor­pha­dité Jones and Twins, an upcom­ing trans­gen­dered mother and fra­ter­nal boy/girl writ­ing team. When asked where they found their inspi­ra­tion for the story, Jones responded that she just wanted to hear Dukakis and MacLaine refer to them­selves as muther truck­ers. Her daugh­ter assures us that there will be horses in space, and her son says that when the audi­ence sees Julia Roberts explode onscreen, it will blow them away.

A release date for Steel Mag­no­lias in Outer Space has ten­ta­tively been set for July 2013.