How often do you need someone to leap over a tall building in a single bound? Or to climb walls? Or a lift in an invisible plane? As I was sitting in traffic, a bit tired from lack of sleep and low blood sugar, I considered what super powers people I know would really appreciate. Therefore, I give you the top ten practical superheroes for today’s world:
01. Password Pete — Someone who helps you remember the funk, 18-letter password that must have upper case & lower case letters, numerals, punctuation, and Tibetan symbols to log in to the knitting website that you order your mother’s Christmas present from once per year.
02. Cupcake Queen — A heroine who can stop a meltdown with a various flavored cupcakes with excessive frosting that are able to give an elephant diabetes with one lick.
03. Super Dick — A super-powered private eye who will take pictures of philandering husband cheating on you while wearing your lingerie and then humiliate him in front of his buddies with 8x10 glossies.
04. The Coldcocker — A heroine who will get a child to sleep–by any means necessary.
05. Exercist — A hero who is able to take over your body and give it a vigorous workout while you sleep.
06. The Bi-Bi Twins — Conjoined sisters who will help your husband through his midlife crisis by making out with each other in front of him, so he’ll quite pestering you to help him live out his lesbian fantasy of watching you with some chick the two of you pick up at a bar or all-you-can-eat steakhouse.
07. Sharpshooter — A hero with the uncanny ability to teach any man to urinate in a toilet without spilling a single drop on the seat.
08. The Vibrator — A giant, tireless tongue who helps uptight women find their G-spots.
09. The Kid Next Door — A boy who will take out your trash, mow your grass, listen to your wife talk incessantly about her frenemy, score a gram of coke, and deliver pizza and beer out of the goodness of his heart.
10. Gay Man — A hero who loves to go shopping with you and pick out clothes, cooks, cleans, dances with you, and takes care of himself, as well as putting an effort into his appearance. Oh wait, this superhero is for real!