Well, Mother’s Day is almost here again. Sure, you can attend a Sunday church service with Mom and then take her to lunch. But why not shake things up this year? Live on the edge with these top ten shameless ideas of what you can do with your mom for Mother’s Day:
01. Rob a liquor store together. (Nothing makes a girl feel better than free drinks.)
02. Dress her up in a flip hairdo and go fly a kite in the park, while singing the theme song to That Girl. (Even years later, Mom still likes to imagine herself as Marlo Thomas making it on her own in the Big City.)
03. Go to a tattoo parlor and get inked together. (You can have Mom tattooed somewhere on your person and tu madre can choose something more mysterious, like “Rosebud” or the likeness of Tweety Bird.)
04. Take Mom down to the docks and pick up sailors. (Remember to lift with the knees, not the back.)
05. Gift Mama with some hash brownies. (Document her silliness with your iPhone, then upload the video to YouTube.)
06. Give your mother a jar of rejuvenating face cream and have her try out right there in the wine bar. (Pay a handsome man to come to your table and ask if you are the older sister. She’ll know it’s a total setup, but she’ll grab the guy’s behind to get your money’s worth.)
07. Give Mom 20 crisp one-dollar bills. (Then take her to a male strip club and let her inner angel in Vegas out for the night.)
08. Thanks to the power of Facebook, you can put together a “then and now” photo collage of all the bitchy girls your mother went to school with. (Don’t be afraid to use Photoshop to add contrast, if needed.)
09. Tell Mom that you googled all the guys she dated before she married your father and that they all became gay rather than try to find another woman to take her place. (She’ll know your your lying, sort of, but you’ll be promoted to favorite child.)
10. Take Mom to the department store and tell her to try on the most expensive shoes. (As she admires them on her feet, whisper to the sales clerk, “It’s a shame that we have to pay full price for a pair, when the doctor is amputating her right foot on Friday. Curse the diabetes!” Your Mom will be amazed when you receive a 50% discount.)
11. Thrill your mom with a box that holds tiny invisible goats that will graze all the hair off her legs every day, so that she’ll never have to to shave them again.
12. Pour vodka into a bottle labeled HOT FLASH B-GONE and give it to mom. (Tell her to keep it in the freezer and use for emergencies only.)