Critics say that Hollywood has no new ideas. Hollywood says that audiences want to see the same movie again, only slightly different. Keeping this in mind, here are the top ten ideas for new twists on previous summer blockbusters:
01. D.T. Go Home - After an extraterrestrial’s shipmates on a U.F.O. perform an intervention and deposit his drunk ass at the Betty For Clinic, an alcoholic alien must overcome delirium tremens and befriend a small child to sneak liquor into the clinic for him until the mothership returns to pick him up.
02. American Pie Scream — Teenagers lose their virginity with baked goods, only to be murdered by a “pious” serial killer.
03. Mennonites in Black — Protestant secret agents reject infant baptism and defend Planet Earth from extraterrestrial threats by their commitment to nonviolence.
04. The Diva Wears Miss Tina — A fashion editor of a rural one-Walmart town makes life hell for her ambitious high school intern.
05. Mama Pia — A musical-comedy based on the songs of Pia Zadora, about a single millionaire divorcee whose daughter invites three former pool boys to her wedding in order to discover which one of them might be her father.
06. Logan’s Done — A pizza boy has 30 minutes to deliver a pizza or it’s free–and he must die.
07. Toy Stories — Adult novelty items write a salacious, bestselling tell-all book about their owner, when she spurns them for a new boyfriend.
08. The Brady Bunch vs. Jason — Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy Brady attend a camp for musical siblings to sing “It’s a Sunshine Day,” but are terrorized by homicidal Jason. Although the rest of the kids die horrible deaths, Cindy manages to survive and lives a better life after Jason scares the lisp out of her.
09. Three Stooges and a Baby — Larry, Curly, and Moe find their violent lives disrupted with the arrival of Curly’s lovechild on their doorstep. Nothing makes an audience laugh like an infant poking three numbskulls in the eyes with a social worker in the other room.
10. The Highlight Saga — A clumsy high school girl falls for an undead hairdresser who cannot make her blond without killing her.