““I just came to the realization that they were cramping my lifestyle, so I took them to the Dairy Queen for dipped cones and told them that I had decided to go in another direction and I would no longer need them,” said McGregor.
The children have 30 days to find a new family before they will be escorted from the family home at the Lazy Meadows Trailer Park & Butane Emporium.
McGregor plans to move to Atlanta to start up her mail-order henna tramp stamp business, Tramps-in-the-Mail.
The children, however, have not taken this lying down. In a press conference outside Ms. Essie’s Daycare, Chico shouted, “This is a diaper full of poo! I wouldn’t even treat a teddy bear this way. Jamal stated that he planned to sue his mother for a gazillion chocolate-chip cookies. Kylie has just inked a book deal with HarperCollins Children’s Books. The publisher plans to fast-track Kylie’s tell-all memoir of her mother’s crazed crystal meth-fueled lesbian orgies, entitled Mommie Queerest.
McGregor released her own statement. “Why do children interpret abandonment as rejection,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t love my children, I just don’t want anything to do with them, anymore. I wish them the best in all their future endeavors, and hope that they always remember me as their mother.”
After reporters relayed this to Chico just before his naptime, he commented on his mother’s statement. “Believe me, I will always think of that ho as a real mutha. Love and peace, now bring me my @#%* security blanket.”