Becky Polp, 23, a Dairy Queen employee in Kissimicoochee, Georgia, has suffered from a psychopathological breakdown where she now believes she is actress Katie Holmes. which doctors believe may have resulted from her bi-polar disorder.
Polyp, who has won a Gold Medal in the Dairy Queen Olympics for the past five years for her prowess with soft serve ice cream, was rushed to the hospital late Monday night when she informed her mother that she had to hide Suri or the Scientologists were going to get her. Polyp then proceeded to swallow her iPhone 4S.
““It was so disturbing,” Polyp’s mother, Pat, confessed. “She kept talking to her belly like it was her child, and then Siri–you know, that little assistant built into the iPhone–it would talk back to her. I guess it’s a good thing, because we got lost on the way to the new hospital, and Siri gave us directions.”
Doctors successfully removed the iPhone from Polyp, but she is currently confined to a private room until her delusions of grandeur have passed.
““She’s still kind of out of it,” her mother said. “She just keeps saying the same things over and over again: ‘Tom is not a homosexual. For the last time, I am not Victoria Beckham. And I never should have done that movie with Queen Latifah.’ Frankly, I’m worried and we could really use everyone’s prayers.”
Marianne Snow, President of the Ladies’ Bible Brigade at the Kissimicoochee First Baptist Church, will hold a candlelight vigil in the Dairy Queen parking lot tonight. “I believe that God put each and everyone of us on this earth for a reason,” Snow said. “And I think that Becky’s gift was making a holy Dilly Bar. No one can put a curlicue on a soft serve ice cream dipped in chocolate like she can. I believe there’s a little bit of Jesus in the ice cream that Becky has touched, dipped into the Chocolate of Christ, if you will. And I will not rest until God has driven Katie Holmes and those Scientologists out of her little body and Becky returns to where she belongs, behind the counter of Kissimicoochee’s Dairy Queen.”
Margeret Leakey, Kissimicoochee’s sole atheist, plans to picket the candlelight vigil, as Snow’s husband, Deacon Don, is supposedly a silent partner in For the Eyes of God, Inc. that owns the Dairy Queen.