Bi-Polar Dairy Queen Worker Believes She Is Katie Holmes

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Jul 032012
 

Becky Polp, 23, a Dairy Queen employee in Kissim­i­coochee, Geor­gia, has suf­fered from a psy­chopatho­log­i­cal break­down where she now believes she is actress Katie Holmes. which doc­tors believe may have resulted from her bi-polar disorder.

Polyp, who has won a Gold Medal in the Dairy Queen Olympics for the past five years for her prowess with soft serve ice cream, was rushed to the hos­pi­tal late Mon­day night when she informed her mother that she had to hide Suri or the Sci­en­tol­o­gists were going to get her.  Polyp then pro­ceeded to swal­low her iPhone 4S.

““It was so dis­turb­ing,” Polyp’s mother, Pat, con­fessed.  “She kept talk­ing to her belly like it was her child, and then Siri–you know, that lit­tle assis­tant built into the iPhone–it would talk back to her.  I guess it’s a good thing, because we got lost on the way to the new hos­pi­tal, and Siri gave us directions.”

Doc­tors suc­cess­fully removed the iPhone from Polyp, but she is cur­rently con­fined to a pri­vate room until her delu­sions of grandeur have passed.

““She’s still kind of out of it,” her mother said.  “She just keeps say­ing the same things over and over again:  ‘Tom is not a homo­sex­ual.  For the last time, I am not Vic­to­ria Beck­ham.  And I never should have done that movie with Queen Lat­i­fah.’  Frankly, I’m wor­ried and we could really use everyone’s prayers.”

Mar­i­anne Snow, Pres­i­dent of the Ladies’ Bible Brigade at the Kissim­i­coochee First Bap­tist Church, will hold a can­dle­light vigil in the Dairy Queen park­ing lot tonight.  “I believe that God put each and every­one of us on this earth for a rea­son,” Snow said.  “And I think that Becky’s gift was mak­ing a holy Dilly Bar.  No one can put a curlicue on a soft serve ice cream dipped in choco­late like she can.  I believe there’s a lit­tle bit of Jesus in the ice cream that Becky has touched, dipped into the Choco­late of Christ, if you will.  And I will not rest until God has dri­ven Katie Holmes and those Sci­en­tol­o­gists out of her lit­tle body and Becky returns to where she belongs, behind the counter of Kissimicoochee’s Dairy Queen.”

Marg­eret Leakey, Kissimicoochee’s sole athe­ist, plans to picket the can­dle­light vigil, as Snow’s hus­band, Dea­con Don, is sup­pos­edly a silent part­ner in For the Eyes of God, Inc. that owns the Dairy Queen.