Are your children unruly? Disrespectful? Unphased by punishment? Then hire Tough Love Santa to whip them into shape before Christmas.
For the special price of $99.00, Tough Love Santa and his Heartless Elves will kidnap your children from their beds, tie them up, blindfold them, and drive them to waterfront warehouse where he will interrogate them about every naughty thing they’ve done since last December. In addition to billy clubs, brass knuckles, and an electrical cattle prod, Tough Love Santa will also forcefeed them faux reindeer dung and strangle them to the point where they almost lose consciousness until they promise never to misbehave again. At that point, your children will be blindfolded, and drive back to their bedrooms without waking you.
“My kids used to mock me when I spanked them,” said Margie Weiss, 37, a homemaker. “Now I just have to hum ‘Here Comes Santa Claus’ and they burst into tears and beg me not to call Tough Love Santa. There’s nothing like a little T.L.S.!”