The North Pole announced that Santa Claus died early this morning. Mr. Jingle Janglekins, one of Santa’s Elves and Head of Product Development, stated, “Santa expired today from a choking hazard of a toy manufactured here at Santa’s Workshop. This tragedy took us by surprise, because it was recommended for children three and up, and Santa is quite a bit older than three years old.”
Another elf, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, stated that Santa had inhaled a plastic feline as he put the finishing touches on a Pussymatic Cat-A-Pult, while telling an inappropriate joke. “How many elves does it take to replace a light bulb, indeed,” the unknown elf said. “We tried to join hands around his waist and administer the Heimlich maneuver, but he was too fat for our fingers to even touch.”
According to rumors, Mrs. Claus plans to sell off the Santa’s Workshop and relocate to Miami. “She never adjusted to the cold weather,” the anonymous elf said.
For years, Mrs. Claus’ aversion to the cold was speculated to be Santa’s greatest sadness, and, most likely, led to Mrs. Claus’ affair with Frosty the Snowman. Our elfin insider went on to explain, “Santa asked her what Frosty had that he didn’t have, and Mrs. Claus screamed, ‘A carrot for a nose!’ A few days later, Mrs. Claus found the reindeer lapping up a puddle of water with two pieces of coal in it.’” Even though a chair, rope, and a sun lamp were found discarded in a snow drift a few hundred yards away, no charges were pressed against Santa. “Of course, from that point on, Mrs. Claus served carrots with every meal.”
Per Santa’s wishes, he will be cremated and his remains will be made into faux snow. Mrs. Claus could not be reached for comment, as she was in the middle of a tango lesson with her private instructor, Jorge.