Felines are mysterious and aloof creatures. As much as we try to attribute human feelings about us to them, they often seem as if they could care less if we’re there or not, albeit feeding time, they need to go outside, or they want to play. Sometimes, paranoia creeps in, and we wonder if they may eventually grow tired of us for good and take matters into their own paws. Here are ten tips to help you know if your cat is plotting to kill you.
01. Your cat offers to change your brakes on your car for you.
02. Your cat surprises you with a gift of a bright red shirt. (Then you find an invoice where she has ordered a live bull to be delivered to your home.)
03. Your cat leaves a dead mouse, marinated in olive oil, on the stairs in the middle of the night.
04. You happen upon your cat sharing a picture of you with a guido with a violin case in a sketchy Italian restaurant.
05. You can’t find the antifreeze, but you discover that, for the first time, your cat has made a Thai iced tea–just for you. How sweet it is …
06. You walk in on your cat gassing up a chainsaw while wearing a hockey mask.
07.Your cat asks you for a gun to take care of the–you know–“mouse problem.” Curiously, you do not have a mouse problem.
08. You wake up in the middle of the night and surprise your cat, who is sitting on your chest with a pillow held over his head.
09. As you walk through the parking gargage to your car, you spy your cat waiting for you behind the steering wheel of a steamroller–with the engine running.
10.You find your cat’s “to do” list with “86 the big doofus” wedged between “tongue bath” and “afternoon nap.”