In an unexpected turn of events at the Kissimecoochee International Zoo and Aligator Farm, one member of the all-penguin Village People tribute band, the Village Penguinz, attacked another member and he threw him into the alligator pen. The band was scheduled to perform a special mid-day Valentine’s Day concert for zoo visitors entitled The Village Penuinz Live and Oily, featuring such adapted hits as “Macho Bird,” “Go South,” and “Can’t Stop the Happy Feet.”
According to zoo keeper/gator wrestler Elmer Atkins, Chico (The Indian) and Muffin (The Cop), the famous Kissimecoochee gay penguins, got into a lovers spat when Chico walked in on Muffin in flagrante delicto with Gonzo the hippopotamus in the green room of the faux igloo amphitheater.
““Frankly, I saw it coming for weeks,” said Bucky (The Cowboy). “Muffin has always been both insatiable and a butt-man. As soon as Gonzo lumbered by in his sequined hot pants, it was all she wrote.”
““Well, Chico walked in with cocktails for two, saw that whistle in Muffin’s mouth and flew into a rage,” said Luis (The Leatherman). “Ms. Thang threw that cosmopolitan into Muffin’s face and just started pecking him in a rage.”
““Tears and feathers were flying everywhere,” said Punkin (The Sailor). “Muffin made the mistake of telling Chico that Gonzo didn’t mean anything to him, and that’s when Chico picked him up and hurled him into the alligator pen.”
““Muffin was a trooper to the end,” said Barney (The Construction Worker). “Even as that gator grabbed him in his jaws and pulled him under the water, he was still doing the ‘Y.M.C.A.’ arm movements.”
““Afterwards, Chico just went to pieces. She’s always been such a drama queen,” said Luis. “Just because she wears that feather headdress, she thinks she’s better than everyone else. I came so close to screaming, ‘Go for the Oscar, @#%*@!’ But I didn’t, though, because I’m sensitive.”
““The problem with those two is that Chico is very insecure and jealous, like most artists are,” said Punkin. “But he was in total denial about Muffin wanting an open relationship. Chico thought he could appease Muffin with the occasional three-way with a flamingo after hours, but Muffin was just too much of a free spirit and had to roam. I should know, I speak from experience.”
““Even if Chico hadn’t walked in on Muffin and Gonzo, I’m not sure that Muffin would still be with us,” said Bucky. “Gonzo was chowing down at kraft services and completely oblivious to the fact that Muffin was at work back there. Gonzo has problems with his knees and I think there was a good chance Gonzo might have sat down and crushed Muffin in the act without being the wiser.”
Atkins reported that Muffin’s remains have not been found, although they have recovered his whistle, which will be bronzed and put on display outside of the artificial igloo in his memory.
Chico is currently being treated at the Coweta County 24-Hour Animal Clinic for a physical and emotional breakdown.
For the rest of the band, they are currently scrambling to put together an ABBA revue. “So far, we’re stonewalling one another, because everyone wants to be Agnetha–not Anni-Frid,” said Luis, donning a blond wig. “It’s total madness, though, because I obviously make the prettier blonde of the quartet, don’t you agree?”