The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has banned feather dusters from all flights, following an incident at the Kissimeecoochee International Airport (KIA). Over the weekend, Bud Hopkins, 56, a truck driver, and his wife, Mildred Hopkins, 54, a greeter at the local Wal-Mart, were arrested by Homeland Security for plotting to tickle torture and assassinate Gerald T. Buttes, President of the Tastee Doodle Fast Food Franchise, which is headquartered in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
It seems that the couple were upset that Tastee Doodle had removed the Apple Chili Streudel Dawg, a hot dog deep-fried in an apple streudel and smothered in chili, from the menu.
““After we wrote several letters and never got an answer, we decided we had to take matters into our own hands,” said Bud.
Security at the airport was tipped off when Hopkins attempted to pass through with strange bulges beneath their clothes. Bud had stuck a feather duster down his pants and claimed to be an exotic dancer heading for a local ladies’ night performance at a at a hen party in Chattanooga. Mildred said she was pregnant with an alien lovechild.
““What’s so unsettling about this situation is the fact that these aren’t your regular feather dusters,” said Air Marshall Ed Irwin. “These are industrial strength feather dusters that sell up to a dollar more than your usual feather duster and they can swish all the fur off a baboon’s ass in seconds.” When this reporter commented that baboons do not actually have any fur on their behinds, Irwin threatened to arrest him.
In a telephone interview, Buttes stated that the Apple Chili Streudel Dawg had been removed from the menu for health reasons, after lab elephants had dropped dead after eating a diet of Apple Chili Streudel Dawgs for less than a week. “It was a difficult decision because it had been on the menu since my grandaddy opened the first Tastee Doodle in 1936–and some of the female staff said that it was good for the complexion–but the Board of Directors and I felt like it made more business sense to encourage our customers to choose healthier options from our menu that would allow them to live longer and come back and spend more money at the Tastee Doodle.”
When asked why she and her husband had settled upon tickling Buttes to death, Mildred replied, “I wanted that varmit to die laughing, so I could wipe the smile off his face.”