If you’ve ever seen the musical Gypsy, you’ll recall that when Gypsy Rose Lee decides to enter the burlesque industry, her fellow strippers advised her that she had to have a gimmick. For some reason, my friend Joan and I were discussing how the word “ho” seemed friendlier than prostitute and was much more fun to say, which led to the discussion of what type of gimmicks were available in one were to become a sex worker. Here are some examples that we came up, with no disrespect to the ladies (and sometimes men) of the night:
01. Glo-Ho — A radioactive floozy. Jill chastised herself for not moving farther away from the nuclear power plant, however, she enjoyed dancing at the gay club, where the boys would use her as a human glow stick.
02. Sew Ho — A bimbo who makes her own clothes. Faye was thrilled when she realized that she could charge twice as much if she could take up an inseam on a pair of slacks while she lay there.
03. Dough Ho — A prostitute who also bakes. Tina and her piping bag were famous in the tri-state area–and she could knead like nobody’s business.
04. Row Ho — A tramp who likes to work in a canoes. Marge said her clients liked to end their session with a good paddling.
05. Flow Ho — A sex worker who is also a hemophiliac. Candy was very popular with the men with a tourniquet fetish.
06. Blo-Ho — A whore who also works with aquatic mammals. Pam’s clients gave her high marks for her technique and friendly personality, but it unsettled them to look up and find the whale watching them.
07. Ho-Ho — Sex workers who are also Siamese twins. Kerry and Terry were savvy businesswomen: They doubled their fee and advertised a two-for-one special.
08. Mow-Ho — A prostitute who also landscapes. Ann’s clients thought she was God’s gift to men; she did them and their lawns.
09. Tof-Ho — A vegan hooker. Gretchen’s clients appreciated that she didn’t reek of meat, but instead exuded a fragrance of jasmine rice and soy milk.
10. No-Ho — A sex worker who refuses a client service. Once Roz realized that there were men who were only attracted to women who said no, her job no longer felt like work at all.
11. Po-Ho — A whore who is also a police officer. Suzanne’s clients loved the way she serviced them, then busted herself for her crime.