Professor Theodor Dresden of Wienerschnitzel University in New Braunfels, Texas has published a startling theory about climate change in the local edition of the Thrifty Nickel. Smack dab between references to John 3:16 and a listing for a slightly used trombone, Professor Dresden revealed that the true cause of global warming was not human-induced greenhouse gases, but in fact garden gnomes.
These ceramic or plastic replicas of small earth sprites, usually with beards and pointy hats, are raising temperatures on the planet due to the sun bouncing off the small statues’ reflective paint, thereby raising temperatures faster than trees are falling in the rainforests on the planet via a process referred to as global gnoming.
““People think garden gnomes are cute, but they are mistaken,” said Professor Dresden. “Every time they buy one, they are killing Mother Earth. You might as well as God to aim His big hairdryer on mother earth and drown all the poloar bears.”
Recently arrested for stealing a garden gnome from the front yard of his neighbor, Professor Dresden claims that global gnoming is heating the world up even faster due to the fad of taking one’s garden gnome to the beach, which raises the temperature even faster.
Professor Dresden has recently started a Kickstarter campaign to raise 2 billion dollars to build a rocket to carry all of the garden gnomes on Earth into orbit.
Rose Wiggins, 63, Professor Dresden’s, said, “This is all a crock. If I don’t see my garden gnome back under my hummingbird feeder by tomorrow morning, she’s going to hobble over to his house tomorrow morning and break his kneecaps with her walking stick.”
Professor Dresden’s office had no comment.