Marcy Miller, 28, a business analyst for Acme Widgets assaulted her co-worker, Brandon Parker, 34, also a business analyst last week. Parker was taken to Parkland Hospital in Dallas to have his jaw re-alligned from injuries received from the fish, which was still frozen.
Miller told police officers that she struck Parker with the salmon because his habit of swallowing live goldfish–not the Pepperidge Farm variety–at his desk got on her nerves. “It was so distracting to hear those slurping sounds all-day long,” Miller said. “After a goldfish flew over the cubicle wall and landed on my report I started to hear little fish screams, so while I was picking up a sub at the Kroger deli, I saw the salmon and decided to act for all the little goldfish he had swallowed.”
Parker, who had no idea that his snack habits bothered his co-worker, said that he developed a taste for goldfish while in college. “One of my frat brothers mentioned that dudes used to swallow live goldfish back in his grandfather’s college days, so we decided to try it. It takes some getting used to, but if you throw your head back and drop them straight down your throat, you can eat them without much flapping around.”
Colleen Foster, 52, the Human Resources Director, said that Acme Widgets does not have a company policy about consuming live animals in the workplace, but will consider this for the next revision of the employee handbook. In the meantime, Miller and Parker’s supervisor plans to move one of them to the other side of the department.
Parker said that he didn’t plan to press charges against Miller or Widgets, but mentioned that he would consider suing the company if policy was changed to prohibit the swallowing of live goldfish at the office. “Dude, they’re high protein and you can buy them at Wal-Mart for ten goldfish for a dollar.”