One of the greatest dangers of being an urban pioneer in a gentrified neighborhood is interaction with some of the undesirable elements. When I first moved to Grant Park, I encountered a species I had never met before–the inner city squirrel. If you’re unsure if you have inner city squirrels, please consult the following list of the top ten signs that your neighborhood has been infested with inner city squirrels:
01. Wear tiny bandanas on their heads
02. Roam your neighborhood in gangs and intimidate other rodents.
03. Loiter on the street corners and smoke cigarettes.
04. Tattoos of she-squirrels naked except for their private parts hidden with a conveniently placed bushy tale.
05. Wolf whistle whenever a lady walks by them.
06. Wear gold teeth grills on their incisors.
07. Spray paint gang graffiti on your squirrel-proof bird feeders.
08. “Sagging” trousers, revealing little boxer shorts with tiny acorns printed on them.
09. Build a crystal meth lab under the hood of your car.
10. Harass you to buy their hip hop CD that includes their new single “Bust This Nut.”