Celebrity Buddhist Judi Carlisle wants the Buddha to get up and move his butt. “I’m as objective as the next Buddhist,” Carlisle said, “but I believe that with the obesity problem in the United States it’s difficult to motivate tubby Americans to walk away from the all-you-can-eat steakhouse, pick up a lotus, and gold leaf the Buddha when he has a sizable booty himself.”
Carlisle is best known for her role in the B-Movie Piece of My Heart, which is about star-crossed lovers trapped by a hurricane in a leper colony infiltrated by the undead and was advertised with the tag line: “Zombies are everywhere–literally.” She went on to achieve further fame with a poorly lit sex tape, a $500-per-day cocaine habit, and a wardrobe malfunction at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. She soon found herself blacklisted in Hollywood, but then discovered salvation in Buddhism and strawberry-seaweed smoothies.
Having recently lost 20 lbs., Carlisle opened her eyes in meditation one day and noticed the love handles on the Buddha. “I thought to myself, ‘He can’t be happy carrying that extra weight around.’”
Fellow Buddhists and Carlisle’s critics claim that she’s missing the point of enlightenment and she shoud wake up and smell the incense.
Carlisle remains steadfast in her belief. “Oh, right! Don’t look at my fat ass because I’m spiritual and perfect. I know on the inside he’s thinking, ‘One day I’d really like to wear hot pants.’ That’s how I felt, too.”
The former B-movie starlet believes that Buddha needs a new image. “Come on, they’ve rebranded everyone from Mr. Clean to Betty Crocker. Why can’t Buddha get an update? I picture him as sporty, yet casual–definitely more active, perhaps with a goatee and a cowboy hat.”
This morning, MiMi Tate, 22, an office temp and devout Buddhist, attempted to self-immolate herself in protest in front of Carlisle’s home while dressed as a birthday cake. “I was on a my lunch break from a job standing outside a bakery and waving to passersby,” Tate said. However, whenever she lit herself, pedestrians kept blowing her candles out.
Other critics have attributed Carlisle’s attempt to slim down the Buddha as a publicity stunt to get viewers to tune in to her new reality TV show, Judi in the Lotus Position, where Carlisle meditates on camera with her eyes closed for 22 minutes. Early reviews have described the show in one word: boring.