The Church of Saint Francis of Fifi in Bald Knob, Arkansas has demanded that Cher be canonized as a saint. After winning the American recording artist, actress, and television personality’s ribs off eBay last summer. Since that time, the relics (as Cher’s ribs have become known) have healed several members of the congregation and the Bald Knob Gay Men’s Chorus.
“After being touched by the relic, Roger’s lisp vanished,” Doug Quattlebaum, Director of the Bald Knob Gay Men’s Chorus noted. “Kenny’s gonorrhea dried up, and Chip’s leaking implant was saved. It was a miracle!”
Quattlebaum, who also serves as the musical director for The Church of Saint Francis of Fifi, keeps Cher’s alleged floating ribs , which were supposedly removed in the ‘90s to make her waist appear smaller, in a Bob Mackie gown and placed on a scale model of the set for The Cher Show. “Sometimes I just sit, holding the Relic and singing “Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves,” and I can just feel power emanating from the ribs.“
When asked if he really thought that he held Cher’s floating ribs–especially since she has denied that she has ever had such surgery, Quattlebaum paused, before leaning forward and asking me if I believed in life after love. He also said that he thinks it’s absurd that anyone has to be dead before they can be canonized. “Really! What’s the point of being a saint if one’s not alive to enjoy it?”
Tahalia Roper, The Church of Saint Francisc of Fifi credits Cher’s missing ribs with saving her marriage. “I had burned a whole pot of gravy and didn’t know what to do with it. Quattlebaum allowed her to hold the ribs until she received an answer: Put it anywhere it doesn’t burn. Neither the gravy or Mrs. Roper’s gravy went to waste.
When asked about the whereabouts of her ribs, Cher had no comment.