Brick Johnson, a popular Los Angeles male escort, told weekly tabloid The Dirt Also Rises that he has been involved in a homosexual relationship with cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants for the past year.
“We met in a dive bar on the edge of West Hollywood, Flotsam and Jetsam. I wasn’t looking to turn a trick that night, but when I saw SpongeBob across the dance floor, I suddenly craved salt water,” Johnson said. “Of course, when I saw SpongeBob’s eyes bug out about six inches from his face and his tongue fall out on the floor, I knew the feeling was mutual.”
The chemistry between the two was so palpable that the Nickelodeon star asked the well-built hustler to come home with him. Johnson did.
“In this line of work, you get used to seeing the kinky stuff, but I wasn’t prepared for what SpongeBob wanted me to do.” Johnson’s hand shook as he tossed back the rest of his scotch. “SpongeBob stripped and knelt down. He looked up and said, ‘Pee on me.’ I hesitated, but he got in my face and screamed at me to pee onto him … so I did.”
However, once SpongeBob was heavily saturated with Johnson’s urine, he pulled out a roll of Bounty paper towels and demanded to know from Johnson whom the quicker picker upper was. When pressed about SpongeBob’s preferences in bed, Johnson remained mum, but did share that his nickname for SpongeBob was “Bikini Bottom.” The celebrated cartoon character also hid a fondness for eating snails off of Johnson’s naked behind, while singing “Gary, Indiana” from the musical The Music Man.
“Sometimes when we were having sex, he’d call me Patrick, which was a mood killer.” Johnson said that he never felt that SpongeBob’s best friend and neighbor ever liked him. “It was like he didn’t think I was good enough for SpongeBob–or he was jealous, or something.”
In addition to being quite generous, Johnson revealed that SpongeBob was not only highly intelligent, but an affectionate lover. “When we held each other in bed, afterwards, SpongeBob would fantasize about leading a life like ordinary people, where he and I could walk down the street, holding hands, and invite their neighbors and friends over for, you know, barbecues and orgies and stuff.”
Johnson states that SquarePants desired to come clean about his life, but Nickelodeon kept reminding him to think about his fans, the role model didn’t want to let the children down. “I think that’s what drove him to drink and start using drugs.”
In addition to substance abuse issues, SpongeBob was also haunted by the ghost of a former love. “SpongeBob used to really big into the repressed gay spa subculture,” Johnson said. “Although he never came out and said it, I think John Travolta broke his heart, and SpongeBob never got over that. He refused to ever let me play the Grease soundtrack in his presence.”
Eventually, booze, drugs, and the shadow of a former lover proved too much for Johnson to take. “I wished things could have ended differently,” Johnson reminisces. “I still love SpongeBob, and the times we took baths together and SpongeBob exfoliated me are memories that I’ll always cherish.”