Even thought President Obama released his birth certificate earlier this week, controversies still continue to swirl around whether he is eligible to serve as President of the United States.
Astrologist Andie Pearl states that she doesn’t believe that President Obama is a true Leo. “All the signs point that he’s actually an Aries, and you know what that means.” When pressed for clarification Pearl explained that Aries have great gusto for starting projects, such as bringing the country out of an economic depression. “They’re also prone to head injuries,” Pearl elaborated. “And that puts Hillary just one step closer to the presidency.”
“Where’s the beef?” Duke Burlington, President of the Sons of the Republic of Texas Succession and Gun Club, demanded. “I don’t think there’s any meat to him; I think he’s made of tofu!” Burlington revealed his theory that Obama is actually a sophisticated animatronic robot created from mashed soy beans by radical liberal hippies who want to take away meat from all God’s children and force them to become vegetarians, which is the preferred menu of Satan. “Haven’t you noticed that when Obama walks, he kind of jiggled like tofu when you take it out of the package? Also, he tends to take on the political flavor of whatever politicians seem to be around–just like stir frying tofu!”
“If you ask me, Bubba is an alien,” begins Sparky Scuttlebutt, amateur clogger and greeter at the Super Walmart in Grizzly’s Hiney, Texas. “He has that big bulbous head, like an alien, and if you compare photographs, you’ll notice that sometimes his ears and nose disappear, like artist conceptualizations of those abducted by Venusians–and you can’t get any more illegal alien than that!’ Scuttlebutt believes the only way to get to the bottom of the brouhaha is for President Obama to submit to an anal probe. “If I had to be in the same room with him, I would make sure that I never had to turn my back on him, and if I had to, I would definitely clench my butt cheeks together.”