Megan Druthers has a problem with OMG! I Can’t Believe This Could Be Anything But Butter–she can’t believe it’s anything but butter, which is why she’s suing Ol’ Bessie Industries, the maker of the butter substitute.
“OMG! I Can’t Believe This Could Be Anything But Butter tastes too creamy, too buttery to not be butter,” said Druthers. “In fact, it tastes so good that I can’t help but look for other things to spread it on.”
Hence, the problem: Druthers recently started Weight Watchers to lose 20 lbs. before her high school reunion this summer. “I’ve got to look skinnier than those bitch cheerleaders from high school who always made fun of my weight. But as Druthers struggled to determine whether OMG! I Can’t Believe This Could Be Anything But Butter, she began looking for other things besides toast to spread the butter substitute on. “I suddenly became afraid to eat anything, because I didn’t want to change using all of my points on butter. I began to wonder that perhaps Ol’ Bessie was trying to prevent me from losing weight by disguising calorie dense butter with OMG! I Can’t Believe This Is Anything But Butter.”
At first she started with muffins, a piece of bread, and popcorn; yet when the these tasty treats ran out, Druthers reached for potpourri, Velcro, and Styrofoam packing peanuts. “The potpourri wasn’t really that bad, because it’s fiber,” said Druthers, “But the the Velcro is hard to pass, because it’s catches on to the … um … fine body hair around the anus.” However, when the potpourri, Styrofoam packing peanuts, and Velcro ran out, Druthers moved onto people.
“I’d put a scoop of OMG! I Can’t Believe This Is Anything But Butter on my children, which I called ‘spreading love’ and licked it off, but my kids complained when I did this while their friends were visiting.” Her husband didn’t stand for this, either, and hid the tub of OMG! I Can’t Believe This Is Anything But Butter. When she began experiencing delirium tremors, she snuck out of the house and drove to the supermarket to stock up.
Things came to a head, though, when UPS delivered a package to Druthers’ home during a her mid-morning rice cake with OMG! I Can’t Believe This Is Anything But Butter. “When the delivery driver bent over to pick up the package, I couldn’t get over how much his uniform made his butt look like a golden brown bran muffin with a pat of butter, so I slathered some OMG! I Can’t Believe This Is Anything But Butter on it and took a bite.”
But it wasn’t butter substitute that led to assault charges. When Druthers bit into the UPS driver’s butt, she removed a sizable chunk of flesh. “I don’t remember swallowing, but by the time they rushed me to the hospital and pumped my stomach, the doctor said I had probably already digested the chunk of tissue.”
Manny Romero is now suing Druthers for emotional distress due to deformed buttocks, and lost revenue since he can no longer moonlight on an adult website that caters to gay men with a fetish for sizable derrieres, www.BustThatBubbleButt.com.
“I blame Ol’ Bessie Industries,” Druthers said. “If I could tell that OMG! I Can’t Believe This Is Anything But Butter was not really butter, none of this would have happened.”