Why Satanists Are Embracing the Gays

As more Chris­t­ian fun­da­men­tal­ist churches are clos­ing their doors to homo­sex­u­als, Gay/Bisexual/Lesbian/Transsexual (GBLT) peo­ple are find­ing room at an unlikely table–devil wor­shipers.  In an effort to increase mem­ber­ship and gain access to dou­ble income with no kids, Satanists are reach­ing out and wel­com­ing gays to their churches with their “Meet Your Neigh­bors Before You Burn in Hell for All Eter­nity” campaign.

“We fig­ured we’re going to burn in Hell, and they’re going to be in Hell, so why not get together and become friends?” said Betty Jo Simp­son, Pres­i­dent of the Happy Val­ley Church of Satan and Cup­cake of the Month Club.  “After all, they like goa­tees on hunky, bare-chested men, and we like goa­tees on a hunky, bare-chested men.  They like horny men, and we like “horny” men.  They like orgies, and we like orgies.  In fact, there really are very few dif­fer­ences between a Black Mass and the White Party, just a a disco ball and an infant sacrifice.”

Many gays agree that Satanism offers some­thing for all GBLT peo­ple to enjoy.  “My part­ner Kris and I both enjoy being naked at home,” said Gary Palmer, 37, a phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal sales­per­son.  “With Satanism, we can expand our beyond the pri­vacy fence sur­round­ing our pool into the rest of the world.”

Palmer’s part­ner, Kris Hughes, 29, a flight atten­dant, agrees.  “My expe­ri­ence has shown Satanist women to be very gen­er­ous.  They don’t get uptight about shar­ing their hus­bands with us.  Instead of being on the down-low, every­thing is up-and-up.”

“And I love, love, love the drama,” Palmer adds.  “The the­atri­cal­ity of the Witch’s Sab­bath is more excit­ing than that old chan­de­lier falling to the stage in Phan­tom of the Opera.”  He feigns a yawn.  “Been there, done that!”

“Still, noth­ing tops when they con­jured Kylie Minogue from a bunch of flames in the mid­dle of the pen­ta­gram and she sang ‘Bet­ter the Devil You Know’ live,” Hughes said.  “I wet my hot pants!”

It seems that a beau­ti­ful rela­tion­ship des­tined for Hell was made in Heaven.

“I think we have a lot to learn from the gays about com­ing out,” said Simp­son.  “Most Amer­i­cans would be sur­prised to find out how many celebri­ties are in fact Satanists:  Lady Gaga, Flo from the Pro­gres­sive Insur­ance TV com­mer­cials, Garfield, Flip­per, and Charo.”

The Happy Val­ley Church of Satan and Cup­cake of the Month Club’s fla­vor of the month is Sin­na­mon Crunch.