As more Christian fundamentalist churches are closing their doors to homosexuals, Gay/Bisexual/Lesbian/Transsexual (GBLT) people are finding room at an unlikely table–devil worshipers. In an effort to increase membership and gain access to double income with no kids, Satanists are reaching out and welcoming gays to their churches with their “Meet Your Neighbors Before You Burn in Hell for All Eternity” campaign.
“We figured we’re going to burn in Hell, and they’re going to be in Hell, so why not get together and become friends?” said Betty Jo Simpson, President of the Happy Valley Church of Satan and Cupcake of the Month Club. “After all, they like goatees on hunky, bare-chested men, and we like goatees on a hunky, bare-chested men. They like horny men, and we like “horny” men. They like orgies, and we like orgies. In fact, there really are very few differences between a Black Mass and the White Party, just a a disco ball and an infant sacrifice.”
Many gays agree that Satanism offers something for all GBLT people to enjoy. “My partner Kris and I both enjoy being naked at home,” said Gary Palmer, 37, a pharmaceutical salesperson. “With Satanism, we can expand our beyond the privacy fence surrounding our pool into the rest of the world.”
Palmer’s partner, Kris Hughes, 29, a flight attendant, agrees. “My experience has shown Satanist women to be very generous. They don’t get uptight about sharing their husbands with us. Instead of being on the down-low, everything is up-and-up.”
“And I love, love, love the drama,” Palmer adds. “The theatricality of the Witch’s Sabbath is more exciting than that old chandelier falling to the stage in Phantom of the Opera.” He feigns a yawn. “Been there, done that!”
“Still, nothing tops when they conjured Kylie Minogue from a bunch of flames in the middle of the pentagram and she sang ‘Better the Devil You Know’ live,” Hughes said. “I wet my hot pants!”
It seems that a beautiful relationship destined for Hell was made in Heaven.
“I think we have a lot to learn from the gays about coming out,” said Simpson. “Most Americans would be surprised to find out how many celebrities are in fact Satanists: Lady Gaga, Flo from the Progressive Insurance TV commercials, Garfield, Flipper, and Charo.”
The Happy Valley Church of Satan and Cupcake of the Month Club’s flavor of the month is Sinnamon Crunch.