Local police took Burns to the emergency room at Kissimicoochee General Hospital after he complained of discomfort of the bowels.
Doctors removed a large pickle and the carcass of an unidentified creature with large eyes from Burns’ anus.
Burns claimed he was abducted by a U.F.O. while fishing in his pontoon boat on Lake Yukatuka. “They stripped me naked as a jaybird and strapped me down to an examining table where this little bald, gray guy messed with my where-the-sun-don’t-shine regions with one of them anal probes,” he said.
Burns, who suffers from a condition known as spontaneous reverse flatulence, said he suffered an attack during the examination and the alien and anal probe were sucked into his rectal cavity where they remained until the flying saucer ran out of gas and crashed in the lake.
Although Burns claimed the contents of his anus prove the existence of extraterrestrial life, local authorities claim the alien (after being cleaned up) bears a remarkable resemblance to Ms. Nettie B. Perkins’ prize Chihuahua, Chiclet, who disappeared last week.
When asked about the anal probe, Sheriff Huxley said it appeared to be sweet gherkin, but he was not curious enough to take a bite and confirm it. He said Burns will be held at the county jail until police have completed their investigation.