Man Has Alien and Anal Probe Surgically Removed from His Anus

 Aliens, Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  1 Response »
May 072013
 

Truck DriverLeroy Burns, 43, a deliv­ery dri­ver for the Wishy Wash­ing Laun­dry Ser­vice, was found run­ning naked through the Hole-in-One Donut Shop/Minature Golf Course early Sun­day morning.

Local police took Burns to the emer­gency room at Kissim­i­coochee Gen­eral Hos­pi­tal after he com­plained of dis­com­fort of the bowels.

Doc­tors removed a large pickle and the car­cass of an uniden­ti­fied crea­ture with large eyes from Burns’ anus.

Burns claimed he was abducted by a U.F.O. while fish­ing in his pon­toon boat on Lake Yukatuka.  “They stripped me naked as a jay­bird and strapped me down to an exam­in­ing table where this lit­tle bald, gray guy messed with my where-the-sun-don’t-shine regions with one of them anal probes,” he said.

Burns, who suf­fers from a con­di­tion known as spon­ta­neous reverse flat­u­lence, said he suf­fered an attack dur­ing the exam­i­na­tion and the alien and anal probe were sucked into his rec­tal cav­ity where they remained until the fly­ing saucer ran out of gas and crashed in the lake.

Although Burns claimed the con­tents of his anus prove the exis­tence of extrater­res­trial life, local author­i­ties claim the alien (after being cleaned up) bears a remark­able resem­blance to Ms. Net­tie B. Perkins’ prize Chi­huahua, Chi­clet, who dis­ap­peared last week.

When asked about the anal probe, Sher­iff Hux­ley said it appeared to be sweet gherkin, but he was not curi­ous enough to take a bite and con­firm it.  He said Burns will be held at the county jail until police have com­pleted their investigation.

Southern Litmus Test for Pod People

 Aliens, Conspiracy Theories, Essays, Food, Holidays, Humor, Memory Mondays, Pop Culture, Science Fiction, So So Southern  1 Response »
Jan 232012
 

I’ve often felt that if aliens landed in the South and tried to pass them off as South­ern­ers, a good way to spot them would be to send them into BBQ joint to order a slice of pecan pie.

You see, you can always spot some­one who wasn’t born in the South by the way they pro­nounce the word pecan.  If you’ve grown up in the South, you say, pi-kahn, nat­u­rally.  If you’re from any­where else, you’ll typ­i­cally say pee-kan, which brings to mind some­one uri­nat­ing into an alu­minum cylinder.

So, in review, pi-kahn, makes one think of hol­i­day desserts, like pecan pie, fam­ily, the com­fort of home, and some­one whistling “Dixie.”  Pee-kan makes one envi­sion a father who refuses to stop the car for a child with a chal­lenged blad­der, Yan­kees who’ve come down south to take over, and Pod Peo­ple who are wait­ing for you to go to sleep so they can replace you with a soy-alternative clone.

Repeat after me: Pik-kahn–unless you’re a Pod Person.