Man Has Alien and Anal Probe Surgically Removed from His Anus

 Aliens, Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  1 Response »
May 072013
 

Truck DriverLeroy Burns, 43, a deliv­ery dri­ver for the Wishy Wash­ing Laun­dry Ser­vice, was found run­ning naked through the Hole-in-One Donut Shop/Minature Golf Course early Sun­day morning.

Local police took Burns to the emer­gency room at Kissim­i­coochee Gen­eral Hos­pi­tal after he com­plained of dis­com­fort of the bowels.

Doc­tors removed a large pickle and the car­cass of an uniden­ti­fied crea­ture with large eyes from Burns’ anus.

Burns claimed he was abducted by a U.F.O. while fish­ing in his pon­toon boat on Lake Yukatuka.  “They stripped me naked as a jay­bird and strapped me down to an exam­in­ing table where this lit­tle bald, gray guy messed with my where-the-sun-don’t-shine regions with one of them anal probes,” he said.

Burns, who suf­fers from a con­di­tion known as spon­ta­neous reverse flat­u­lence, said he suf­fered an attack dur­ing the exam­i­na­tion and the alien and anal probe were sucked into his rec­tal cav­ity where they remained until the fly­ing saucer ran out of gas and crashed in the lake.

Although Burns claimed the con­tents of his anus prove the exis­tence of extrater­res­trial life, local author­i­ties claim the alien (after being cleaned up) bears a remark­able resem­blance to Ms. Net­tie B. Perkins’ prize Chi­huahua, Chi­clet, who dis­ap­peared last week.

When asked about the anal probe, Sher­iff Hux­ley said it appeared to be sweet gherkin, but he was not curi­ous enough to take a bite and con­firm it.  He said Burns will be held at the county jail until police have com­pleted their investigation.

Top Ten Clues Gerbils Are Living in Your Purse

 Animals, Humor, Parody, Pets, Top Ten Thursdays  1 Response »
May 022013
 

GerbilThe more we encroach on the ani­mal king­dom, the closer we drive them into our lives. Reports of coy­otes and rac­coons liv­ing in sub­ur­ban neigh­bor­hoods have become the norm. Still, sto­ries have begun to cir­cu­late about ani­mals get­ting even closer. Here are ten clues you might have ger­bils liv­ing in your purse:

01. You find cedar shav­ings at the bot­tom of your bag.

02. You reach in to find a pen and grab a tail.

03. You notice teeth marks in your lipstick.

04. You also see tiny lip­stick blots on a used tissue.

05. You some­times hear Barry White singing, fol­lowed by loud squeaks, and the sight of cig­a­rette smoke waft­ing from your bag.

06. You come across half-eaten seeds in your coin purse.

07. You notice skid­marks from a ham­ster ball on the inside bot­tom of your bag.

08. Your friends keep com­plain­ing about you butt-dialing them with your mobile phone and squeak­ing into their ears.

09. You dis­cover an issue of Play Ger­bil with a tiny cen­ter­fold hid­den in the side pocket of your purse.

10. You come across an auto­graphed head­shot of Richard Gere with the inscrip­tion: “I’ll never for­get that crazy night in the emer­gency room … Good times!”

Husband Accuses Wife of Cheating with Humpback Whale

 Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Apr 232013
 

Diver and Humpback WhaleErnie Sny­der, 42, a phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal sales­man, has filed for a divorce from his wife, Janine, 39, a marine biol­o­gist, stat­ing irrecon­cia­ble dif­fer­ences and accus­ing his estranged wife of adul­tery with a hump­back whale.

““I first began to sus­pect some­thing when I came home from a sales trip and found plank­ton in our bed,” said Sny­der. “When I asked Janine about it, she got defen­sive and said she occa­sion­ally liked to snack in bed when she watched T.V. late at night.”

Uncon­vinced, Sny­der hired a detec­tive to fol­low his wife while he was out of town. When the detec­tive sent the incrim­i­nat­ing pic­tures to Sny­der, he was shocked. “I couldn’t believe it, but the proof was in my hand. Pho­tographs of Janine and a swarthy hump­back whale enjoy­ing inti­mate, can­dlelit din­ners at our favorite restau­rant, Antonio’s; two-stepping together at Honky Tonk Heaven; and shop­ping for adult nov­elty items at Sin­sa­tional out on High­way 69.”

Sny­der opted to play his cards close to his chest and began eaves­drop­ping on his wife as she took long bub­ble­baths while whis­per­ing and laugh­ing on the tele­phone. “For me, the last straw is when I heard her tell a friend that she couldn’t even describe in words what this aquatic mam­mal could do with his blow hole.”

After being con­fronted with the damn­ing pic­tures, Janine admit­ted to her affair. “I didn’t mean for it to hap­pen,” she said, “but I stopped in the Crow’s Nest for a fish & chips bas­ket and a beer after a long day at work, and I felt a pair of large eyes on me. When I turned around, Bertie came over and offered me his fin and intro­duced him­self. He was in town, star­ring in a musi­cal stage pro­duc­tion of Moby Dick, enti­tled “There He Blows!” One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we’d fallen in love.”

Rumors imply that Bertie, the stud whale, moved into the home that Sny­der and Janine shared shortly after Sny­der moved into a nearby apartment.

““I know time heals all wounds and I want Janine to be happy,” Sny­der said, “but I’d be lying if I said I would feel sorry for them if he got harpooned.”

Top Ten Ways to Prove to Your Kids the Easter Bunny Has Been at Your House

 Animals, Family, Holidays, Humor, Kids, Parody, Top Ten Thursdays  2 Responses »
Mar 282013
 

Bunny PrintsThough he might not be as famous or as eagerly antic­i­pated as Santa Claus, chil­dren will be expect­ing the Easter Bunny to visit while their sleep­ing Sat­ur­day night in order to fill their bas­kets with candy and small toys.  Unfor­tu­nately, with the wealth of infor­ma­tion avail­able on the Inter­net, chil­dren are becom­ing more skep­ti­cal.  Fear not, how­ever, as here are ten ways to prove to your kids that the Easter Bunny has been at your house:

01. Half-eaten car­rot in the ash tray

02. Unfin­ished car­rot juice in a mar­tini glass

03. Take a close-up pic­ture with your smart­phone of a rabbit’s face you pull up on the Inter­net, so your kids will think the Easter Bunny photo bombed your iPhone

o4. Slip your Jef­fer­son Air­plane Great­est Hits CD into your stereo and pause it on “White Rabbit.”

05. Stamp bunny foot­prints on a copy of the New Tes­ta­ment to show the Easter Bunny is truly a “bible thumper”

06. Turn on the tele­vi­sion and leave it tuned to Bugs Bunny cartoons–or the Play­boy Channel.

07. Leave a post-it note with scratchy hand­writ­ing that reads: IF YOU SEE ALICE, TELL HER TO TELL HER MAMA I SAID, “HELLO.”

08. Pho­to­shop a pic­ture of a rab­bit in your hot tub with his arms around a cou­ple of top­less supermodels.

09. Drop a hand­ful of milk choco­late eggs in the lit­ter box.  

10. Toss a bloody rabbit’s foot into the cen­ter of the table while the kids are argu­ing over break­fast.  (Who said you’d never find a use for that key­chain and fake blood?)

Word Up Wednesday: Faux Paw

 Animals, Dictionary, Humor, Parody, Vocabulary, Word Up Wednesdays  1 Response »
Mar 272013
 

Fake Cat PawFaux Paw (noun) \foh-paw\ — An arti­fi­cial ani­mal foot or prosthesis.

Exam­ple: The mail­man secretly rejoiced when Rex lost his leg in the acci­dent, day­dream­ing of finally being able to out­run the Boston Ter­rier after deliv­er­ing the mail; there­fore, a look of panic crossed his face when entered the yard and spot­ted Rex sport­ing a faux paw.

Can you use faux paw in a sentence?

What to Do When the Truth Is Revealed During a Small Group Meeting

 Animals, Essays, Humor, Memory Mondays, Pets, Spirituality  No Responses »
Mar 182013
 

Sick CatOnce a month, 2Fs’ small group at his church meets at our house to dis­cuss manly things. He always invites me to sit in, but I always feel like a poser. I don’t have any great spir­i­tual insights. In my mind, God cre­ated dark choco­late and it was good. What more do I need to contemplate?

Any­way, one evening, the mem­ber to my left was shar­ing a par­tic­u­larly emo­tional story, so I tried not to stare at him and looked straight ahead. Mean­while, 2Fs, who was sit­ting oppo­site of me, sud­denly got this strange expres­sion on his face. It was some­where between being abducted by aliens and real­iz­ing you’re not going to get din­ner before the anal probe and Armaged­don before it’s time to remove your teeth-whitening strip.

Curios­ity, get­ting the best of me, I cut my eyes to my left, but I didn’t see any­thing. I was about to bring my eyes back to the front when I saw it: a large clump of half-digested dry cat food that Kona art­fully threw up on the back of the couch, almost exactly in the mid­dle between my head and the man to my left. The color, remark­ably, matched the color and the pat­tern of te sofa. My eyes met Jeff’s and now I understood.

Obvi­ously, when you’re enter­tain­ing, the last thing you want to do is draw atten­tion to an unsightly sit­u­a­tion. Sec­ondly, you don’t want to inter­rupt some­one who’s spilling his guts to say, “That’s a fas­ci­nat­ing side­light, but could I ask you to turn your head to the right so I can clean up that spot of cat sick near your ear?”

What were we going to do?

As soon as the man to my left fin­ished his story, I said, “Let us pray.” Every­one stared at me, but then bowed their heads and closed their eyes. I asked 2Fs to lead us in prayer while I snagged a nap­kin off the cof­fee table and care­fully grabbed the glob of vomit, wadded it up, and hid it between the palms of my hands just as 2Fs said, “Amen.”

Untruths My Father Told Me

 Animals, Essays, Family, Humor, Memory Mondays, Parents  1 Response »
Mar 042013
 

White FeatherMy father has told me three things that are not true:

1. Giant squids do not exist, which was soon dis­missed after watch­ing a Jacques Cousteau doc­u­men­tary. Daddy con­tin­ued to deny it.

2. It never snows in Waco, Texas. We bought this until we sent him out to pick up din­ner at Pizza Inn one Sat­ur­day night and he came back cov­ered in snowflakes. Busted!

3. You can never hit bird in the road, because they’ll always fly away before your car can hit them. I still remem­ber my mother dri­ving onto the entrance ramp to Inter­state 20 with con­fi­dence when she saw that dove in the road. My older sis­ter, Vicki, and I men­tioned that she might want to slow down, but Mama reminded us of what Daddy had said, just before a loud thump hit the car. We turned around and stared out the rearview mir­ror. A cloud of white feath­ers blew away, like a snow­storm.  Oops!

What untruths have your par­ents shared with you?

Vegetarian Commits Suicide Over Addiction to Bacon

 Animals, Food, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  4 Responses »
Feb 192013
 

Bacon-Shaped PillowSally Fudd loved bacon–a lot.  The prob­lem with her enthu­si­asm for this pop­u­lar pork prod­uct is that Fudd is a veg­e­tar­ian.  Well, she was.  You see, Fudd, 32, a social worker who spe­cial­ized in work­ing with shut-in cat ladies, took her own life on Sat­ur­day after yet another bacon binge.

““Sally felt incred­i­bly guilty about her inabil­ity to stay away from bacon,” said Marty Cook, 37, owner of Tofu-ey!, a southern-fusion veg­e­tar­ian restau­rant.  “She had no prob­lem stay­ing away from beef, chicken, and fish, but there was just some­thing about bacon she couldn’t resist.”

Per­haps the chal­lenge for Fudd was that bacon is the “it” meat of the moment.  Pop­u­lar with food­ies, bacon has been added to every­thing from choco­late bars to bacon­naise and bacon gum balls.  You can­not avoid this cured meat from the back­side of a pig.

““Sally made a pact with me,” said Bil­lie Thomp­kins, 43, author of The Gluten-Free Soc­cer Mom.  “If some­thing hap­pened to her, I had a key to her apart­ment to remove her bacon lip balm.  She hated the fact that she couldn’t move beyond her bacon cravings.”

““She tried to seek help, but ther­a­pists would just tell her to allow her­self to have some bacon,” Cook said.  “It was so con­de­scend­ing.  Sally didn’t become a veg­e­tar­ian just for health rea­sons; she gave up meat because she couldn’t con­done such cru­elty to ani­mals.  She believed the pig is the red-headed step-child of the live­stock world.  Some­how, by telling her it was okay to eat just bacon and not poul­try or beef, they were say­ing pigs were of less value than chick­ens and cows.”

““She thought she could find a way to con­trol her addic­tion, after she found these scratch-and-sniff bacon stick­ers,” said Thomp­kins.  “The next thing I knew, she had worked her way up to bacon-scented potpourri.”

Fudd kept her addic­tion to bacon hid­den from most of her veg­e­tar­ian friends until in a weak moment, she was arrested after forc­ing a small child to the ground and repeat­edly lick­ing a bacon-shaped ban­dage on the child’s knee.  After she was released from jail, Fudd bought a rasher of bacon and allowed her­self one last sup­per.  After­ward, she smoth­ered her­self to death with a bacon-shaped throw pillow.

““It’s ironic that Sally was dis­ci­plined enough to suf­fo­cate her­self, but she couldn’t quit bacon,” Cook said.

““The tragedy, to me, is that Sally couldn’t go any­where with­out see­ing bacon.  It’s every­where and in every­thing,” Thomp­kins.  “Now, imag­ine that you’re a coke­head and every­where you go servers sug­gest you add a few lines of white pow­der to your entree or on top of your black bean burger.  That’s just how insid­i­ous it is!”

What My Cat Tried to Tell Me When I Sang in the Car

 Animals, Bookstore, Essays, Humor, Memory Mondays, Pets  No Responses »
Feb 182013
 

On Sun­day nights I bring the cat home from the book­store since we are closed on Mon­days.  Kona Kitty, our Direc­tor of Pub­lic Rela­tions, enjoys a few days off at the Grant Park manse, before return­ing to the book­store Tues­day morning.

This jour­ney is less than a mile and only five min­utes by car.  Some­time, usu­ally after cross­ing over Glen­wood Avenue, I start singing to pass the time.  Within 0–30 sec­onds, Kona begins to yowl.  Judg­ing from her reac­tion, you’d expect to peek into her pet car­rier and find her paws pressed des­per­ately against her ears as blood leaks out of them.  There­fore, I stop singing and she stops mak­ing a fuss.  We arrive home, I carry her inside, and she dis­ap­pears to check the perime­ter.  Mean­while, I silently soothe my wounded ego.

““I don’t get it,” I said to my friend Trixie the other day.  “I know I can sing.  I was in choir and had a solo in the school musi­cal, so why does she react so neg­a­tively to my singing?

““Are you get­ting a lit­tle too much in touch with your Inner Ethel Mer­man and belt­ing it out to the guy in the last row?”

I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes.  “Please, I hardly need to project my voice in a Miata.”

““Maybe Kona doesn’t like your mate­r­ial,” Trixie suggested.

““I thought of that, too, but I’ve sang pop, rock, coun­try, reg­gae, and com­mer­cial jin­gles.  I once even sang J-Pop!”

““Cats usu­ally yowl when they’re try­ing to tell you some­thing.”  Trixie scratched her head.  “What song were you singing when you brought her home last?”

I thought for a moment, then started laugh­ing.  “I think I fig­ured out what Kona was try­ing to tell me.”

““What do you mean?”

““The song I was singing last night was ‘Enjoy the Silence’ by Depeche Mode.”

Touche, Made­moi­selle Pussycat!

Foghorn Leghorn Photographed Dining at Chick-Fil-A

 Animals, Food, Gay, Hollywood, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Sep 252012
 

The National Enquirer pub­lished pho­tos this week of pop­u­lar Looney Toons char­ac­ter Foghorn Leghorn din­ing at a Chick-Fil-A out­side of Louisville, Ken­tucky. Fel­low din­ers expressed shock when the famous Leghorn rooster with a South­ern accent ate two orders of chicken nuggets, while they snapped pho­tographs with their cell phones.

When later asked how it felt to be a pho­tographed as a true chicken can­ni­bal at Chick-Fil-A, Leghorn replied, “That’s a joke, I say, that’s a joke, son. I just went inside for some waf­fle fries.”

Oddly, no one seemed bent out of shape that Leghorn was seen canoodling in a booth near the Chick-Fil-A play­ground with Gun­ther & Cochise, a pair of pec implant-enhanced, heav­ily tat­tooed con­joined twins who have appeared in a series of pop­u­lar Slo­vak gay porn films, most notably, Tit for Tat.

“I think it’s safe to assume that the Amer­i­can peo­ple believe it’s okay for our anthro­po­mor­phic celebri­ties to date Siamese twin, gay porn stars, just as long as they’re not can­ni­bals,” said Peanuts char­ac­ter and celebrity vegan, Pep­per­mint Patty.

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