Ronco has just introduced the Pat-O-Butter, a kitchen appliance that turns excess breast milk into professionally shaped pats of butter in time for the holiday season.
To make butter, one simply inserts a lactating breast into the space-age suction cup, whereby the milk is expressed, streamed down into the churning chamber, and spat out as perfectly shaped pats of butter. Ronco has been promoting the Pat-O-Butter with the slogan: Tit for pat.
At a recent demonstration at the Everything’s a Dollar (And Made in China) store, Jo Jo McGreevy, 28, a tanning bed operator, exclaimed, “Oh my god, I have been wondering what to do with all my leftover breast milk now that I just weaned my five-year-old son, Cletus. Now God has shown me!”
Suellen Hairston, a woman of a certain age and hostess of the gracious living program, I Am Not an Animal and You Don’t Have to Be One Either, on local KBUB AM radio, said, “Listeners, take note, if you do not have a Pat-O-Butter on hand for your next dinner party, you will be judged and condemned–and I will cast the first stone.”
Frankie Kurtz, 29 and holding, president of the LGBT cocktail appreciation networking group, Bottoms Up, said, “Don’t talk to me, I’m calling all of my doctor friends now to prescribe me some estrogen so I can express myself in homemade butter.”
Attorney Jackson Millidge, 52, raved, “You know, I laughed at anyone I knew who bought cake pop contraptions and quesadilla makers as frivolous, but a pat of butter maker just makes common sense.”
The Pat-O-Butter is available in all fine department stores, pharmacies, and truckstops and retails for just under twenty dollars–$19.95. Butter someone you love up with one today!