Top Ten Funniest Things Kids in My Neighborhood Have Said

 Humor, Kids, Neighbors, Parody, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
Jun 132013
 

Little Boy with Mouth OpenI like my neigh­bor­hood. It’s a mish-mash of diverse peo­ple. Of course, the proof in the pud­ding is what comes out the mouths of their babes. Read what some of the kids in my neigh­bor­hood have said within earshot of me over the past 13 years:

01. “Dad, can I get a tat­too when I grad­u­ate from kinder­garten, or do I have to be a lit­tle older?”

02. “Mommy said that when I was born, I ripped her vagina to shreds.”

03. “Is there gluten in this cookie? If there is, my mom is going to be really pissed.”

04. “I have two mom­mies, but they haven’t decided which one wears the pants yet.”

05. “I just want you to know my daddy said I’m not allowed to say @#%*.”

06. “Our dog can eat it’s own vomit. I bet your cat can’t do that.”

07. “When there’s only one pop­si­cle left, I like to take a bite out of it and leave it in the freezer, so no one else gets it. Take it from me, you have to plan ahead.”

08. “If I was a Tyransaurus Rex, I would eat Jeremy Kramer. He’s this butthead at preschool.”

09. “When­ever mommy and daddy put on Sade, I know they’re get­ting their groove on after they send me to bed.”

10. “My dad is so cool. He didn’t even spank me when I acci­den­tally yanked his nip­ple rings out while we were wrestling.”

11. “I think your cookie would be safer in my mouth-cave. Don’t you?”

12. “I keep pray­ing to God to send some­one to kid­nap my lit­tle brother, but He keeps say­ing no.”

What Will Kids Look Back on Fondly in Twenty Years?

 Essays, Humor, Kids, Memory Mondays, Technology  No Responses »
Jun 102013
 

Girls Texting on SmartPhonesEvery once in a while, a cer­tain theme seems to flow through my life. It’s often a ques­tion that seems to pop up again and again. Recently, I asked a co-worker what kids are going to remem­ber about their younger years since they always seem to have their noses buried in Smart­Phone, iPad, or lap­top com­puter.  “They basi­cally come out of the womb suck­ling on a joy­stick,” 2Fs has said on more than one occasion.

I’ve had the oppor­tu­nity to observe kids vis­it­ing his­tor­i­cal sites and nat­ural won­ders, glanc­ing up from their smart­phones only to take a pic­ture of what’s in front of them, if that.  I’m sorry, but when you’re at the Grand Canyon, put down that iPhone and pay attention.

When I was a kid, we didn’t have smart­phones that allowed us to com­mu­ni­cate with oth­ers in 14 bil­lion dif­fer­ent ways, let alone play music and video games.  We got together and went to movies or amuse­ment parks or to the mall.  We talked on the tele­phone and sent snail mail let­ters.  Some­times we got together and looked at one another while we talked and lis­tened to one another.  It worked and it was good for us and we liked it.

““What are kids going to remem­ber when they look back in 20 years?” I asked my co-worker.  “Remem­ber that time you send me that text of when your cat threw up on your sister’s birth­day cake? Do you remem­ber that Face­book sta­tus update where you said you had a really good hair day?  Remem­ber that time you tweeted you would eat your own hair if you could kiss Justin Bieber just once?”

Last Sun­day, the topic came up again when Susan Rebecca White men­tioned it in her launch of her new novel, A Place at the Table.  Then my friend Marissa and I dis­cussed it when we went out for yogurt.

What mem­o­ries do you think kids will have in 20 years?

Husband Betrayed by Daddy's Little Girl in MilkGate

 Family, Food, Humor, Kids, Men's Interest, Parents, Parody, Social Media, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  2 Responses »
Jun 042013
 

Man Drinking Out of Milk CartonArt Rich­man, 36, a com­puter pro­gram­mer, hus­band, and father, was busted by his daugh­ter, Ellie, 6, for drink­ing out of the milk jug after assur­ing his wife, Jean, 34, he no longer did such a gross thing.

While Jean was at luke­warm yoga, Art, snuck into the kitchen and took a swig of cow juice from the plas­tic con­tainer, unaware that Ellie was shoot­ing video with his iPhone. Ellie then uploaded the video to the fam­ily YouTube chan­nel and Face­book page, before e-mailing her mother.

Fran­tic, Art told Ellie he would buy her any­thing she wanted if she would just delete the video before Mommy saw it. Ellie then tweeted the audio file to @MyMommyIsMoreLimberThanUrMommy: “Can you believe he tried to bribe me?”

Art’s iPhone then vibrated and his daugh­ter handed it to him, where he read the text from Jean: YOUR ASS IS MINE.

The Milk­Gate video, as it is now called, received sev­eral com­ments on the Fam­ily YouTube page:

“Arthur, you’re not an ani­mal. Get a glass and pour your­self some milk.“
–Mom

“GROSS!“
–Your Sis­ter, Amy

“Dude, at least wipe the milk mus­tache off.“
–Your Brother, Aaron

“Daddy, I am so ashamed. Now I’ll have to wear a paper bag over my head when I go to day­care.“
–Your Daugh­ter, Ellie

“Your ass is mine!“
–Your Wife, Jean

To rec­om­pense for his unsan­i­tary ways, Art must now get a mani and pedi with Jean and attend Ellie’s tea par­ties for one month.

The Ten Funniest Stories of Where Babies Come From

 Family, Humor, Kids, Parents, Parody, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
May 302013
 

Where Do Babies Come From?I live in one of the coolest neigh­bor­hoods in Atlanta. The peo­ple are open-minded, appre­ci­ate good food and drink, and like to laugh and social­ize. Most of them are pretty for­ward in their think­ing, so I was sur­prised at some of the answers they’ve come up with to avoid talk­ing to their kids about repro­duc­tion. I have learned, how­ever, as clever as par­ents think they are, kids usu­ally end up being smarter. Here are the top ten fun­ni­est sto­ries of where babies come from:

01. Santa Claus brought you to Mommy and Daddy for Christ­mas. (Their son then asked how that was pos­si­ble since he was born in July.)

02. We found you under a mar­i­juana leaf. (Their daugh­ter warned them to keep that tid­bit to them­selves, or else DFCS might come take her away.)

03. Mommy & Daddy ordered you from Amazon.com. (Their son asked if they received free shipping.)

04. We adopted you from China. (Their daugh­ter asked, “If I’m Chi­nese, how come I’m black?” They’re an African-American family.)

05. You came from a hot sum­mer night and a bot­tle of tequila. (The daugh­ter asked if that was what the worm is for.)

06. I won you in a MTV con­test. (Of course, the kid imme­di­ately did a search on YouTube for video footage. Busted!)

07. You fol­lowed us home. (“Why would I do that?” their daugh­ter asked. “I didn’t know you and I don’t talk to strangers.”)

08. We used a spe­cial recipe to mix you up in a bowl, then baked you in the kitchen oven. (Their daugh­ter asked, “Is that why we’re vegan?”)

09. You were deliv­ered to our mail­box by mis­take. (Their child reminded the par­ents it’s a fed­eral offense to take some­one else’s mail.)

10. The stork brought you. (To which their son replied after some thought­ful reflection,“That’s prob­a­bly why birds scare the crap out of me, huh?”)

Top Ten Worst Occupations for Parent Career Day at School

 Education, Humor, Kids, Parody, School, Top Ten Thursdays  1 Response »
Apr 252013
 

Frightened ChildA friend of mine recently expressed anx­i­ety over attend­ing her son’s Par­ent Career Day, because she per­forms makeovers at the cos­met­ics counter a depart­ment store and her son attends an all-boys school. It got me think­ing about how some careers may pro­vide a com­fort­able income to sup­port a fam­ily; how­ever, might be prob­lem­atic for par­ent career day presentation:

01. Vac­cine worker with a big-ass needle

02. Nude art model in robe

03. Owner of a head shop with bong

04. Chicken ringer with a live chicken

05. Robert Map­plethorpe Imper­son­ator with whip

06. Bounty hunter with fake war­rant for every child’s arrest

07. Mor­ti­cian with corpse

08. Judi­cial exe­cu­tioner with with noose

09. Dom­i­na­trix with sub­mis­sive who likes to lick shoes

10. Attack dog trainer with his new recruit, Diablo

Mother & Toddler Stunt Team Fall into Controversy

 Babies, Family, Humor, Kids, Movies, Parents, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Apr 092013
 

Mother and ToddlerWhen movie pro­duc­ers need a mother and child for a flee­ing vil­lian to knock out of the way, fall from a bal­cony, or mauled by a Rot­tweiler, they call Mandy Knox and her two-year-old daugh­ter, Gertie.

““I never con­sid­ered a career as a stunt mother until a friend make a joke about how clumsy I seemed to be, yet always man­aged to pro­tect Ger­tie,” said Mandy, 27. “I mean, I was con­stantly falling down the stairs with her or acci­den­tally rolling my shop­ping cart into a dis­play of patio stones at the hard­ware store that would then fall on my head.”

Notic­ing how baby Ger­tie seemed to delight in her mother’s clutzi­ness and how resilient Mandy seemed to be, a cast­ing direc­tor for Father’s Day 4: Daddy’s Home offered the mother and daugh­ter an oppor­tu­nity to appear in the movie if they would fall down a spi­ral staircase.

““Ger­tie and I had such a blast, we opened our own stunt mother and child company—Hard Knox Stunts–and we’ve been going gang­busters ever since.”

Some crit­ics, how­ever, con­sider Hard Knox Stunts to be a form of child exploita­tion, if not not abuse. “What kind of mother tosses her child into an aquar­ium of Pirhanah?” asked Jane Moureau, 48, a child advo­cate. “What’s next? A sausage grinder?”

Mandy main­tains she is still a lov­ing, car­ing mother. “Ger­tie is always in bed in by seven o’clock every night, she eats well-balanced, nutri­tious meals, and spends qual­ity time every day with her father and me. I don’t under­stand what the big deal is about. Ger­tie and I always put safety first.”

A recent inves­ti­ga­tion by the Depart­ment of Fam­ily and Children’s Ser­vices (DFCS) after Mandy and Ger­tie were set on fire in Bad Nanny Returns revealed no signs of child abuse or neglect.

When asked how long the mother and daugh­ter stunt team will con­tinue to work, Mandy shrugs and said, “It’s up to Ger­tie. If it starts to feel too much like work and she gets bored, we’ll quit. I only want her to do this while it’s still fun.”

Next up for Mandy and Ger­tie, they will be torn apart in Zombie Poo­dles from Hell.

Circuit Party Created for Gays & Their Kids

 Babies, Family, Gay, Humor, Kids, Lesbians, LGBT, Parody  No Responses »
Apr 022013
 

Baby with Rainbow FlagA new White Party™ event will be intro­duced this fall–The Dia­per Party.

With the explo­sive growth of LGBT cou­ples who have adopted or con­ceived their own chil­dren, many pre­vi­ous patrons of White Party™ events no longer feel there is a place for them on the circuit.

Tak­ing dif­fer­ences of lifestyle into con­sid­er­a­tion, orga­niz­ers are plan­ning a party that will appeal to LGBT parents.

““It was really a no brainer,” said Dia­per Party mas­ter­mind Sky Tatum, 29.  “Since the White Party™ has always been about gay men wear­ing a tiny piece of white cloth, it seemed like one of the few places that LGBT par­ty­go­ers and their young chil­dren could dress alike.”

In addi­tion to the open bar for par­ents, the Dia­per Party will also offer a milk express sta­tion and pureed fruit and veg­etable buf­fet for the lit­tle party ani­mals.  Tatum promises that every child in atten­dane will receive a glow stick.

Musi­cal guests will include moth­ers Kris­tine W, Donna DeLory, and spe­cial guest Baby Psy per­form­ing his inter­na­tional smash “Goo Goo Style.”

Child­care will also be avail­able at a 15-minute rate for LGBT cou­ples who might care to spice their rela­tion­ship up with a three-way or an orgy in one of the pri­vate suites at the nearby hotels.

Some crit­ics have argues this type of behav­ior is exactly why LGBT peo­ple should not be allowed to have children.

““What’s the dif­fer­ence if you’re leav­ing your child with a babysit­ter to go see the new Julia Roberts flick or to get spit-roasted with two mus­cle boys while your part­ner watches?” Tatum said, “In the end, they’re still going to pick that kid up and take care of him and love him, although I’d rec­om­mend you brush your teeth before you start kiss­ing all over that baby.”

Top Ten Ways to Prove to Your Kids the Easter Bunny Has Been at Your House

 Animals, Family, Holidays, Humor, Kids, Parody, Top Ten Thursdays  2 Responses »
Mar 282013
 

Bunny PrintsThough he might not be as famous or as eagerly antic­i­pated as Santa Claus, chil­dren will be expect­ing the Easter Bunny to visit while their sleep­ing Sat­ur­day night in order to fill their bas­kets with candy and small toys.  Unfor­tu­nately, with the wealth of infor­ma­tion avail­able on the Inter­net, chil­dren are becom­ing more skep­ti­cal.  Fear not, how­ever, as here are ten ways to prove to your kids that the Easter Bunny has been at your house:

01. Half-eaten car­rot in the ash tray

02. Unfin­ished car­rot juice in a mar­tini glass

03. Take a close-up pic­ture with your smart­phone of a rabbit’s face you pull up on the Inter­net, so your kids will think the Easter Bunny photo bombed your iPhone

o4. Slip your Jef­fer­son Air­plane Great­est Hits CD into your stereo and pause it on “White Rabbit.”

05. Stamp bunny foot­prints on a copy of the New Tes­ta­ment to show the Easter Bunny is truly a “bible thumper”

06. Turn on the tele­vi­sion and leave it tuned to Bugs Bunny cartoons–or the Play­boy Channel.

07. Leave a post-it note with scratchy hand­writ­ing that reads: IF YOU SEE ALICE, TELL HER TO TELL HER MAMA I SAID, “HELLO.”

08. Pho­to­shop a pic­ture of a rab­bit in your hot tub with his arms around a cou­ple of top­less supermodels.

09. Drop a hand­ful of milk choco­late eggs in the lit­ter box.  

10. Toss a bloody rabbit’s foot into the cen­ter of the table while the kids are argu­ing over break­fast.  (Who said you’d never find a use for that key­chain and fake blood?)

Top Ten Creepy Names for Children

 Humor, Kids, Parents, Parody, Top Ten Thursdays  1 Response »
Mar 142013
 

Patty McCormack and Nancy Kelly in The Bad SeedSome­times when we have a bad expe­ri­ence with some­one, it cre­ates a bias for any­one we meet in the future who shares the same name. I think par­ents should keep this in mind when con­sid­er­ing giv­ing their new­born one of the fol­low­ing names:

01. Nor­man “Psy­cho” Bates

02. Jason “Fri­day the 13th” Voorhees

03. Michael “Hal­loween” Myers

04. Regan “The Exor­cist” MacNeil

05. Damian “The Omen” Thorn

06. Rhoda “The Bad Seed” Penmark

07. Malachi (Chil­dren of the Corn)

08. Freddy ” Night­mare on Elm Street” Krueger

09. Carol Anne “Pol­ter­geist” Freeling

10. Chucky & Tiffany (Bride of Chucky)

11. Satan (Hope­fully, no other expla­na­tion is needed)

Jef the Red-Nosed Four Year Old

 70s, Essays, Family, Holidays, Humor, Kids, Memory Mondays  No Responses »
Dec 032012
 

I guess I should be thank­ful for the expe­ri­ence, as it prob­a­bly is most respon­si­ble for me never join­ing a gang.

When I was four we drove up from Waco to Arling­ton to visit Memaw and Pepaw. It was some­time dur­ing the hol­i­days because the pic­tures show me wear­ing that lit­tle brown, faux fur coat with the match­ing hood that made me resem­ble an escaped bear cub from the zoo.

Pepaw took Vicki, my older sis­ter, and me out­side to spray paint pine cones sil­ver, gold, and red. My grand­fa­ther demon­strated how to hold the can and press the noz­zle down while apply­ing an even coat of paint to each pinecone.

One at a time, he helped us paint pinecones. Of course, we then had to do it our­selves, as chil­dren do. Vicki, even then an over­achiever, painted a spec­tac­u­lar gold pinecone, even then set­ting the bar much too high for when I came along in her footsteps.

When my turn came, I picked up the can and imme­di­ately sprayed myself in the face with red paint. I never liked loud noises or sud­den move­ments as a child, so I guess it should come as no sur­prise I ended up with a cat as an adult. Any­way, I freaked out. Pepaw tried not to laugh. (Vicki didn’t even try at all, but I was used to her resent­ment of me being born and ruin­ing her monop­oly on the parental attention.)

Pepaw took me into the house and Memaw and Mama tried to to wash the paint off and even used some paint thin­ner, yet I recall that my nose remained red for a good week. Some­where in my par­ents’ pho­tographs lays a pic­ture of my jovial grand­fa­ther, smirk­ing sis­ter, and a morose four-year-old boy. If only I had owned a pair of antlers, I would have been Rudolph the red-nosed rein­deer personified.

Iron­i­cally, Memaw had bought me one of those lit­tle plas­tic Rudolph heads that pin on children’s coats and the nose lights up when one pulls the string. It was my first taste of irony … and it was bittersweet.

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