Nothing is worse than running out of candy on Halloween night, especially when clown cars of never ending children are pouring out of them and shuffling up your steps. Fear not, however, because here are the top ten alternatives to Halloween candy that you probably have laying around the house for just this sort of emergency.
01. Fast Food Ketchup & Soy Sauce Packets — The kids will never know the difference until they get home, and they’ll never trace them back to you if you toss them in the bag quickly.
02. Rawhide Chews — The kids’ parents will thank you after the next visit to the dentist.
03. Cigarettes — Chances are these trick-or-treaters are going to go through the smoking face during their rebellious years or should at least have on hand for post-coitus bonding.
04. Gideon Bible — You never know when a kid may be overcome by suicidal thoughts on the way home with his or her sugary loot and need a little bit of God’s word to get them over that hump and home safely again.
05. Toilet Paper — Give the trick-or-treater a roll and tell him that the neighbor across the street said something unflattering about his mother or older sister.
06. Tofu — What kid doesn’t like to reach into her bag and feel something cold and slimy on Halloween?
07. Boyfriend’s Old Playboy Magazine Collection — Ten bucks says the boy down the street will mow your lawn for free next summer.
08. Kitty Litter — Tell them it’s homemade pop rocks. If nothing else, it should help out the old gizzard.
09. Tampon — There’s a fifty percent chance that the trick-or-treater will use it in the future. You can also refer to it as an emergency sponge.
10. Condom — There’s a higher than fifty percent chance that the trick-or-treater will use it in the future. If nothing else, tell the kid it’s a tongue stretcher: Stick his tongue in the open end and try to reach the inside of the tip. It’s important to have a goal, and his future girlfriends will be ever so appreciative!