After a long day at work, the last thing you want is to ride a cramped, crowded train home. You can, however, make a little more breathing room for yourself by following these ten tips to have a seat to yourself on the train:
01. Throw your head back and cackle for no reason.
02. If someone sits down beside you, burst into tears and tell them they sat on teeny tiny Lady Hoboken.
03. Borrow your friend’s boa conscrictor and perform a dance with it while sitting down.
04. Keep crossing your legs and say, “I don’t know if I can hold it much longer.”
05. Ask the person who sits next to you if they would mind if you performed a Black Mass.
06. Whine to your neighbor about the injustice of being unable to legally marry your goat since you have a such a great relationship, not mention that the sex is totally worth him eating your nightgown off your body.
07. Ask your fellow passenger if she would like to meet. Mr. Happy, the hedgehog who lives in your rectum.
08. Throw your leg over your head and begin giving yourself a tongue bath.
09. Stick your hand, palm-down, on the seat next you to you and tell people, “Sorry, super glue accident.”
10. Turn to your neighbor and ask, “Do you love singing showtunes as much as I do?”