Top Ten Tips to Have a Seat to Yourself on the Train

 Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Top Ten Thursdays, Transportation  1 Response »
May 162013
 

Inebriated Kim Wilde Singing on a TrainAfter a long day at work, the last thing you want is to ride a cramped, crowded train home. You can, how­ever, make a lit­tle more breath­ing room for your­self by fol­low­ing these ten tips to have a seat to your­self on the train:

01. Throw your head back and cackle for no reason.

02. If some­one sits down beside you, burst into tears and tell them they sat on teeny tiny Lady Hoboken.

03. Bor­row your friend’s boa con­scric­tor and per­form a dance with it while sit­ting down.

04. Keep cross­ing your legs and say, “I don’t know if I can hold it much longer.”

05. Ask the per­son who sits next to you if they would mind if you per­formed a Black Mass.

06. Whine to your neigh­bor about the injus­tice of being unable to legally marry your goat since you have a such a great rela­tion­ship, not men­tion that the sex is totally worth him eat­ing your night­gown off your body.

07. Ask your fel­low pas­sen­ger if she would like to meet. Mr. Happy, the hedge­hog who lives in your rectum.

08. Throw your leg over your head and begin giv­ing your­self a tongue bath.

09. Stick your hand, palm-down, on the seat next you to you and tell peo­ple, “Sorry, super glue accident.”

10. Turn to your neigh­bor and ask, “Do you love singing show­tunes as much as I do?”

File Clerk with Fear of Paper Settles Out of Court with Employer

 Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Work  No Responses »
May 142013
 

Man Scared of Falling PaperKevin Culpep­per, 28, a file clerk for the Law Offices of Ditto, Ditto & Ditto, filed a law­suit against his employer, stat­ing he was unable to work as he suf­fers from papy­ro­pho­bia, a fear of paper.

““When­ever I would pick up stacks of doc­u­ments to file, I became dizzy, expe­ri­enced short­ness of breath, and heart pal­pi­ta­tions,” said Culpep­per.  “I know it sounds silly, but I kept hav­ing visions of trip­ping and toss­ing the stack in the air, then watch­ing in hor­ror from the ground as hun­dreds of pieces of paper fell down upon me and slice my body to shreds.”

When Cuplep­per spoke to George W. Ditto, Sr., about his con­di­tion, he was told he might be bet­ter off find­ing a new career, but Cuplep­per claimed his spent his entire inher­i­tance from his father’s steam­roller acci­dent on tuition to Ms. Rhoda’s Office Worker School.  (He grad­u­ated with a diploma in filing.)

““Besides that, I’m a hemo­phil­iac,” Cuplpep­per said, “and one I start bleed­ing, I’m like Old Faith­ful; I just keep gush­ing until I pass out.”

Upon hear­ing of his med­ical con­di­tion, Ditto made an offer to set­tle out of court.  In addi­tion, Ditto, Ditto & Ditto have offered to replace their paper files with elec­tronic copies.

““Kevin has been pro­moted to our PDF file clerk, and he will file these dig­i­tal copies into elec­tronic files, mak­ing his fear of paper cuts a moot point.

Cuplpep­per seemed pleased with the out­come.  “I’m touched that Ditto, Ditto & Ditto has offered to work with me instead of putting me out of work.”  He joked, “Unfor­tu­nately, I also have an irra­tional fear of the return key on com­puter keyboards.”

Ditto, Ditto & Ditto did not respond to his joke.  Evi­dently, they didn’t find it very funny.

Man Has Alien and Anal Probe Surgically Removed from His Anus

 Aliens, Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  1 Response »
May 072013
 

Truck DriverLeroy Burns, 43, a deliv­ery dri­ver for the Wishy Wash­ing Laun­dry Ser­vice, was found run­ning naked through the Hole-in-One Donut Shop/Minature Golf Course early Sun­day morning.

Local police took Burns to the emer­gency room at Kissim­i­coochee Gen­eral Hos­pi­tal after he com­plained of dis­com­fort of the bowels.

Doc­tors removed a large pickle and the car­cass of an uniden­ti­fied crea­ture with large eyes from Burns’ anus.

Burns claimed he was abducted by a U.F.O. while fish­ing in his pon­toon boat on Lake Yukatuka.  “They stripped me naked as a jay­bird and strapped me down to an exam­in­ing table where this lit­tle bald, gray guy messed with my where-the-sun-don’t-shine regions with one of them anal probes,” he said.

Burns, who suf­fers from a con­di­tion known as spon­ta­neous reverse flat­u­lence, said he suf­fered an attack dur­ing the exam­i­na­tion and the alien and anal probe were sucked into his rec­tal cav­ity where they remained until the fly­ing saucer ran out of gas and crashed in the lake.

Although Burns claimed the con­tents of his anus prove the exis­tence of extrater­res­trial life, local author­i­ties claim the alien (after being cleaned up) bears a remark­able resem­blance to Ms. Net­tie B. Perkins’ prize Chi­huahua, Chi­clet, who dis­ap­peared last week.

When asked about the anal probe, Sher­iff Hux­ley said it appeared to be sweet gherkin, but he was not curi­ous enough to take a bite and con­firm it.  He said Burns will be held at the county jail until police have com­pleted their investigation.

Top Ten Clues Gerbils Are Living in Your Purse

 Animals, Humor, Parody, Pets, Top Ten Thursdays  1 Response »
May 022013
 

GerbilThe more we encroach on the ani­mal king­dom, the closer we drive them into our lives. Reports of coy­otes and rac­coons liv­ing in sub­ur­ban neigh­bor­hoods have become the norm. Still, sto­ries have begun to cir­cu­late about ani­mals get­ting even closer. Here are ten clues you might have ger­bils liv­ing in your purse:

01. You find cedar shav­ings at the bot­tom of your bag.

02. You reach in to find a pen and grab a tail.

03. You notice teeth marks in your lipstick.

04. You also see tiny lip­stick blots on a used tissue.

05. You some­times hear Barry White singing, fol­lowed by loud squeaks, and the sight of cig­a­rette smoke waft­ing from your bag.

06. You come across half-eaten seeds in your coin purse.

07. You notice skid­marks from a ham­ster ball on the inside bot­tom of your bag.

08. Your friends keep com­plain­ing about you butt-dialing them with your mobile phone and squeak­ing into their ears.

09. You dis­cover an issue of Play Ger­bil with a tiny cen­ter­fold hid­den in the side pocket of your purse.

10. You come across an auto­graphed head­shot of Richard Gere with the inscrip­tion: “I’ll never for­get that crazy night in the emer­gency room … Good times!”

Word Up Wednesday: Sinsationa

 Dictionary, Humor, Parody, Vocabulary, Word Up Wednesdays  2 Responses »
May 012013
 

Buff Guy in Body Paint and Shoulder PadsSin­sa­tional (adjec­tive) \sin-sey-shuh-nl\ — pro­duc­ing an extra­or­di­nar­ily good reac­tion because one knows it’s con­sid­ered slightly improper or suggestive.

Exam­ple: Although Bobby was only in the eighth grade, in his mind, noth­ing beat the sin­sa­tional feel­ing or wear­ing a red thong under his white lin­nen pants to school.

Can you use sin­sa­tional in a sentence?

Pancake Schnitzel Cooking Class Provides Stress Relief for Vegetarian Moms

 Food, Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Apr 302013
 

Woman with Giant PancakeWhen Jane Argo, a dieti­cian and foodie, 38, for­merly felt over­whelmed by the ups and downs of life, she used to go straight to com­fort food for relief. How­ever, after gain­ing 30 lbs. after her daugh­ter was born, Argo decided to comit to lifestyle changes that would improve her health, even­tu­ally becom­ing a vegetarian.

Argo’s hus­band, Ted, 43, a police offi­cer, used to kid her that after becom­ing a veg­e­tar­ian, she became an angrier per­son, as she was no longer able to seek out her favorite com­fort foods, because they were made with ani­mal products.

““One day I was just at wit’s end after a dif­fi­cult day and I craved my grandmother’s wiener schnitzel,” Argo said. “I was so frus­trated I just wanted to hit some­thing, and that’s when I saw the left­over pan­cakes from breakfast.”

Tak­ing ten­der­izer ham­mer to the pan­cakes, Argo pro­ceeded to pound the hell out of the pan­cakes until they were the size of man­hole cov­ers. She then breaded them and deep-fried them in canola oil and served them for din­ner, smoth­ered in maple syrup.

““The fam­ily loved them. Ted said the taste reminded him of fried chicken and waf­fles,” Argo said. “I also noticed that all the stress and frus­tra­tion of the day.”

She chris­tened her new recipe a Pfannkuchen­itzel, a mash-up of tra­di­tional the tra­di­tional Ger­man pan­cake and a schnitzel, a bone­less piece of meat ten­der­ized by pound­ing flat.

When­ever she grew agi­tated, Argo con­tin­ued to make her new dish, and other veg­e­tar­ian moth­ers noticed and asked her secret. That’s when she first had the idea to offer a cook­ing class, The Zen of Pfannkuchenitzel.

Before long veg­e­tar­i­ans were mak­ing the pil­grim­age to Argo’s house to beat the hell out of their frus­tra­tions on pan­cakes and deep-fry them for lunch.

““I used to scald my husband’s din­ner when he pissed me off and he com­plained about hav­ing to eat my hate for din­ner,” said Mar­got Ellen­berger, 51, a house­wife and veg­e­tar­ian. “Now he’s con­stantly think­ing up ways to pull my chain, just so he can have Pfannkuchen­itzel for dinner.”

Although it may seem every­one loves Pfannkuchen­itzel, Ed Tan­ner, 64, the owner of an Inter­na­tional House of Pan­cakes in town is not a fan. “That lit­tle veg­e­tar­ian gal has hurt my busi­ness by almost 35% and I’m IHOP­ing mad!”

Argo, in an act of con­tri­tion, has offered to treat Tan­ner to a free class. “I’m sav­ing a ham­mer for Ed,” said Argo. “He’s always wel­come to come over and beat the crap out of pan­cake at my house.”

Top Ten Worst Occupations for Parent Career Day at School

 Education, Humor, Kids, Parody, School, Top Ten Thursdays  1 Response »
Apr 252013
 

Frightened ChildA friend of mine recently expressed anx­i­ety over attend­ing her son’s Par­ent Career Day, because she per­forms makeovers at the cos­met­ics counter a depart­ment store and her son attends an all-boys school. It got me think­ing about how some careers may pro­vide a com­fort­able income to sup­port a fam­ily; how­ever, might be prob­lem­atic for par­ent career day presentation:

01. Vac­cine worker with a big-ass needle

02. Nude art model in robe

03. Owner of a head shop with bong

04. Chicken ringer with a live chicken

05. Robert Map­plethorpe Imper­son­ator with whip

06. Bounty hunter with fake war­rant for every child’s arrest

07. Mor­ti­cian with corpse

08. Judi­cial exe­cu­tioner with with noose

09. Dom­i­na­trix with sub­mis­sive who likes to lick shoes

10. Attack dog trainer with his new recruit, Diablo

Word Up Wednesday: Flash Bob

 Dictionary, Humor, Parody, Social Media, Vocabulary  2 Responses »
Apr 242013
 

Bob NewhartFlash Bob (noun) \flash bob\ — A group of peo­ple mobi­lized by social media to show up in one place, wear­ing Bob Newhart masks.

Exam­ple: After Mar­jorie started walk­ing through the lobby of the hotel and said “Hi, Bob!” to ten dif­fer­ent peo­ple wear­ing Bob Newhart masks, it dawned on her that she was wit­ness­ing a Flash Bob.

Can you use Flash Bob in a sentence?

Husband Accuses Wife of Cheating with Humpback Whale

 Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Apr 232013
 

Diver and Humpback WhaleErnie Sny­der, 42, a phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal sales­man, has filed for a divorce from his wife, Janine, 39, a marine biol­o­gist, stat­ing irrecon­cia­ble dif­fer­ences and accus­ing his estranged wife of adul­tery with a hump­back whale.

““I first began to sus­pect some­thing when I came home from a sales trip and found plank­ton in our bed,” said Sny­der. “When I asked Janine about it, she got defen­sive and said she occa­sion­ally liked to snack in bed when she watched T.V. late at night.”

Uncon­vinced, Sny­der hired a detec­tive to fol­low his wife while he was out of town. When the detec­tive sent the incrim­i­nat­ing pic­tures to Sny­der, he was shocked. “I couldn’t believe it, but the proof was in my hand. Pho­tographs of Janine and a swarthy hump­back whale enjoy­ing inti­mate, can­dlelit din­ners at our favorite restau­rant, Antonio’s; two-stepping together at Honky Tonk Heaven; and shop­ping for adult nov­elty items at Sin­sa­tional out on High­way 69.”

Sny­der opted to play his cards close to his chest and began eaves­drop­ping on his wife as she took long bub­ble­baths while whis­per­ing and laugh­ing on the tele­phone. “For me, the last straw is when I heard her tell a friend that she couldn’t even describe in words what this aquatic mam­mal could do with his blow hole.”

After being con­fronted with the damn­ing pic­tures, Janine admit­ted to her affair. “I didn’t mean for it to hap­pen,” she said, “but I stopped in the Crow’s Nest for a fish & chips bas­ket and a beer after a long day at work, and I felt a pair of large eyes on me. When I turned around, Bertie came over and offered me his fin and intro­duced him­self. He was in town, star­ring in a musi­cal stage pro­duc­tion of Moby Dick, enti­tled “There He Blows!” One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we’d fallen in love.”

Rumors imply that Bertie, the stud whale, moved into the home that Sny­der and Janine shared shortly after Sny­der moved into a nearby apartment.

““I know time heals all wounds and I want Janine to be happy,” Sny­der said, “but I’d be lying if I said I would feel sorry for them if he got harpooned.”

Top Ten Things That Look Alike, But Are No Substitute for Each Other

 Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
Apr 182013
 

Salt & SugarHave you ever acci­den­tally put salt on your break­fast cereal instead of sugar? It’s easy to do, since they’re both white pow­dery sub­stances usu­ally found on the table. Here are ten other exam­ples of things that look like that you’ll want to avoid con­fus­ing with each other:

01. A Tube of Tooth­paste & a Tube of Prepa­ra­tion H (The tubes may feel the same in the dark, but the prod­ucts are truly meant for oppo­site ends of the spectrum)

02. Michael Jack­son & LaToya Jack­son (Help­ful tip: Look for the head­band, people)

03. Good Twin & Evil Twin (Be sure you have the right one before you sign the con­tract for that insur­ance pol­icy with her as the beneficiary)

04. Apple Juice & Urine Sam­ple (A good way to remem­ber the dif­fer­ence is some apples are “ambrosia” and urine smells of “amonia”)

05. Sugar Sub­sti­tute & Cocaine (Warn­ing: promis­ing lives have been ruined by Sweet & Low additiction)

06. Con­doms & Fin­gers Cut Off of Latex Gloves (One size fits all does not apply to the latter)

07. Sand­wich Made with Bread & a Let­tuce Wrap (Have you ever tried a PB&J let­tuce wrap?)

08. Tofu & Just About Any­thing Else (Except tofu)

09. Orig­i­nal Movie & the Remake (Planet of the Apes anyone?)

10. Cher & Pete Burns (Lead Singer for Dead or Alive)

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