Top Ten Historical Figures Who Most Likely Would Have Been Beliebers

 Celebrities, History, Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Pop Music, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
May 232013
 

Belieber IDYou may have heard or read how Cana­dian pop singer Justin Bieber recently vis­ited the Anne Frank House and wrote in the guest book  that he hoped Anne would have been a Belieber.  It got me won­der­ing what other famous names through­out his­tory might have been Justin Bieber fans, so here are the top ten his­tor­i­cal fig­ures who most likely would have been Beliebers:

01. Obvi­ously, Christo­pher Colum­bus would have lined up to get Justin to auto­graph his copy of My World 2.0, thank­ful Bieber took his advice not to name it Amer­i­cus 2.0

02. Cleopa­tra, being just a teenager her­self when she took the throne of Egypt, would have most likely tried to gain an audi­ence with Justin after one of his con­certs, claim­ing to be his “per­sonal deity.”

03. Albert Ein­stein would have been a fan of Justin’s whim­si­cal hair­styles.  After all, Albert did say that imag­i­na­tion is more impor­tant than knowledge.

04. Lucre­cia Bor­gia would have had no prob­lem issu­ing death threats against other celebri­ties who stole an award–say a Grammy–from Justin.  How­ever, if Lucre­cia asks you, after a spir­ited debate over dif­fer­ing opin­ions about Mr. Bieber, to name your poi­son, I sug­gest you don’t.

05.Vlad the Impaler would really know how to take care of the haters, more than likely, impal­ing them on wooden stakes to rethink the the error of their ways.

06. Marie Antoinette would have been power Twit­ter user, and, no doubt, would have led the way to out­smart Twit­ter when they changed their algo­rithm to remove per­sis­tently trend­ing top­ics, like Justin Bieber, by pur­posely mis­spelling his name in their tweets, most famously with, “Can’t wait to kiss my Beaver.”

07. Inuk Nanook of the Arc­tic Cir­cle would have delighted in putting down his har­poon to fol­low Justin from city to city to watch him per­form, feel­ing a cer­tain con­nec­tion with him, because Justin believes he has an unde­ter­mined Cana­dian Abo­rig­i­nal ancestry.

08. Some his­tor­i­cal fig­ures are only happy when they get someone’s goat; Adolf Hitler would have got­ten sat­is­fac­tion in claim­ing Justin’s mon­key for Ger­many, when Bieber failed to pro­vide doc­u­ments, all while per­form­ing Ludacris’ verse-rap from “Baby.”

09. Writer, activist, and fem­i­nist would have enjoyed the sub­ver­sive nature of hid­ing behind the Twit­ter han­dle @HappyHomemaker4eva and antag­o­niz­ing Justin and other Beliebers with DMs, while mem­o­riz­ing the lyrics to all of his songs.

10. As a Belieber, Oscar Wilde could have indulged his infat­u­a­tion for younger men and observed plenty of source mate­r­ial for his witty say­ings, such as, “Youth is wasted on the young.”

Top Ten Greatest Lies of All Time

 Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
Mar 212013
 

There are some lies that are so cliche that the only thing more incred­u­lous than some­one using one of them are the red flags we ignore to believe them. Here are ten of the great­est lies of all time (and the details we often ignore to believe them).

01. It fol­lowed me home. (Then why is it pulling at the rope to get away?)

02. 100% veg­e­tar­ian (never mind the bones)

03. I’m going out for a pack of cig­a­rettes. (Gee, Dad doesn’t smoke, though.)

04. And it can be yours for less than twenty dol­lars (Trans­la­tion: $19.99–plus a ship­ping and han­dling fee)

05. It’s so easy, even a child can do it. (I think they meant child prodigy.)

06. Of course you were the first. (Wait a minute, she has three kids, already.)

07.The check’s in the mail. (But if we live at the same address …)

08. It’s decaf­fi­nated. (So why’s she wired like a coke­head after one cup of coffee?)

09. Of course I love you, Susan. (My name’s not Susan–it’s George.)

10. While you were at school, your gold­fish ran away. (Hmm …)

Drinking Moms Book Club Discusses Books Without Reading Them

 Books, Friends, Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Mar 192013
 

My Book Club Only Reads Wine LabelsThe Drink­ing Moms Book Club in Plano, Texas puts a unique spin on book club discussions.

““We’re all so busy try­ing to man­age homes, fam­i­lies, and careers that we decided although we enjoyed par­tic­i­pat­ing in book club dis­cus­sions, we just didn’t have the time to read,” said Allie Hig­gins, 33, wife, mother, and vir­tual masseuse. “But we really loved one another’s com­pany, so we decided to just quit read­ing the book and still get together.”

Accord­ing to Hig­gins, her book club mem­bers meet at a member’s home and enjoy an hour of gos­sip, appe­tiz­ers, and cock­tails, before sit­ting down to dis­cuss that month’s book club selection.

““The host­ess holds up a book she recently pur­chased, and then we go around the cir­cle and give our indi­vid­ual inter­pre­ta­tions of what the book is about based on the title and book cover. After we’ve gone around the cir­cle, we vote on the best answer and then decide whether or not we liked the book.”

Some of the Drink­ing Moms Book Club’s favorite non-reading selec­tions with its inter­pre­ta­tions are as follows:

The Story of O by Pauline Réage
“We are all inspired by this biog­ra­phy of Oprah Win­frey. Love her!”

Fifty Shades of Gray by E.L. James
“We found this novel about Betsy Ross’ strug­gle with post-natal depres­sion while sewing the first Amer­i­can flag to be very pow­er­ful and moving.”

Out­liers by Mal­colm Glad­well
“Obvi­ously, this is about peo­ple who like to tell false­hoods out­doors. Not really my cup of tea, but we like to not read out­side our usual genres.”

Let’s Pre­tend This Never Hap­pened by Jenny Law­son
“Oh god, who hasn’t woken up after a night of exces­sive drink­ing, naked, in the same bed with your room­mate at a women’s col­lege. Of course, I can laugh about it now, but I haven’t spo­ken to Wendy Rhodes since 1998.”

The Immoratal Life of Hen­ri­etta Lacks by Rebecca Sloot
“I just adore a vam­pire story set in the rural United States. I can just pic­ture the undead Hen­ri­etta lurk­ing around the five and dime, stalk­ing her vic­tims who have come to buy penny candy … Spooky!”

Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern
“The title seems a tad too on the nose. Obvi­ously, it’s a mem­oir writ­ten by the child of a proc­tol­o­gist. Nor­mally, I’d be afraid to pick some­thing like this up, but it was all the rage at the time we decided not to read it.”

Although the Drink­ing Moms Book Club has received crit­i­cism for being so vocal about not read­ing books, Hig­gins defended her mem­bers. “Look, we may not read the book, but at least we buy a copy. We’re not like a lot of those other book club phonies who pre­tend to read the book and then just drink wine and chat about the pros and cons of vagi­nal reju­ve­na­tion or if their hus­bands would be gay for Bradley Cooper. At least we’re using our minds.”

The Story Behind "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

 80s, Flashback Fridays, Music, New Wave, Pop Culture, Retro, Video  No Responses »
Mar 152013
 

Cul­ture Club released their most suc­cess­ful sin­gle, “Karma Chameleon,” in Sep­tem­ber 1983.  The song topped both the U.K. Sin­gles Chart and the U.S. Bill­board Hot 100.  It went to #1 in 14 other coun­tries and sold over seven mil­lion copies world­wide.  It was the best-selling sin­gle 0f 1983 in the U.K. and won Best British Sin­gle at the 1984 Brit Awards.

Accord­ing to the Boy George, “Karma Chameleon” is about the cause and effect of not being true to one­self for fear of being ostra­cized by other peo­ple. Although the group wrote their songs together, Boy George often crafted their lyrics. A fre­quent source of inspi­ra­tion was his secret rela­tion­ship with drum­mer Jon Moss, who inspired the lyric “You’re my lover, not my rival.” The stress of the public/professional and personal/private rela­tion­ship would even­tu­ally take its toll on both of them, as well as the band.

The pic­ture of Boy George on the record sleeve was taken by pho­tog­ra­pher, David Levine, brother of Cul­ture Club’s pro­ducer, Steven Levine.

Ver­sions
Karma Chameleon [7″ Ver­sion] 3’59/4’05
Karma Chameleon [Album Ver­sion] 4’11

Music Video
The music video for “Karma Chameleon” is set in Mis­sis­sippi in 1870; how­ever, it was actu­ally filmed in Des­bor­ough Island in South­east Eng­land. Boy George, in his iconic fin­ger­less gloves, braids, and black derby, sings as he and oth­ers await to board a steam­boat, Chameleon. Mean­while, a gen­teel pick­pocket moves through the crowd and steals jew­elry and wal­lets. On the boat, he plays cards with the other band mem­bers of Cul­ture Club. He is even­tu­ally found out and forced to walk the plank. The music video ends with every­one singing and dancing.

Mem­o­ries
My fond­est mem­ory of “Karma Chameleon” by Cul­ture Club is my mom buy­ing a copy of the Colour by Num­bers album because she fell in love with the song. She used to play the album all the time on her big-ass Cur­tis Mathis enter­tain­ment cen­ter that took up a whole wall of our liv­ing room. She’d also watch every inter­view with Boy George that came on T.V. It seemed like the song was every­where and it was insanely catchy. How­ever, it’s one of those songs that was played so much, I rarely have the urge to lis­ten to it.

What are your mem­o­ries of “Karma Chameleon” by Cul­ture Club?

The Story Behind "Word Up!" by Cameo

 80s, Flashback Fridays, Funk, Hip Hop, Movies, Pop Culture, R&B, Retro, Video  No Responses »
Mar 012013
 

Cameo released “Word Up!” on May 27, 1986. It peaked at #3 on the U.K. Sin­gles Chart, charted at #6 on the U.S. Bill­board Hot 100, and topped the U.S Hot Dance Sin­gles Chart. The song is based on urban slang for enthu­si­as­tic agreement.

The band based the con­cept of “Word Up!” on a char­ac­ter they named Vicious, whom they used as a voice for their frus­tra­tion at rap­pers who recorded what they referred to as psy­chodrama, when they felt music lovers wanted to hear some­thing that could dance to, instead.

“Word Up!” starts off with a sam­ple of Ennio Morricone’s the main theme from spaghetti west­ern The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Lead singer Larry Blackmon’s dis­tinc­tive “Ow!” in the song was sam­pled four years later in Ital­ian dance band Black Box’s hit, “Every­body, Every­body.” Sly Stone, one of Blackmon’s heroes, inspired his gut­tural vocal style.

Ver­sions
Word Up! [7″ Version/7″ Vocal Version/Edited Ver­sion] 4’15
Word Up! [12″ Version/Extended Version/Full Length Ver­sion] 5’54
Word Up! [Spe­cial Club Mix] ?’??

Music Video
In the music video, Cameo is pur­sued by a detec­tive, played by LeVar Bur­ton, who pur­sues them through the city and into a club. Lead singer Larry Black­mon chan­nels Fred­die Mer­cury in his lycra pants, tank top, and bright red codpiece.


Mem­o­ries
I had no idea “Word Up” was released so many months before it became a hit on the radio. When I started col­lege that Sep­tem­ber, “Word Up!,” along with “Venus” by Bana­narama, seemed to be every­where. My best friend, Kent, and I loved imi­tat­ing Blackmon’s sig­na­ture “Ow!” When­ever I heard the song, it always brings back fun memories.

What are your mem­o­ries of “Word Up!” by Cameo?

What the Heck Is a 'Meet-Cute'?

 Essays, Hollywood, Humor, Memory Mondays, Pop Culture, Relationships  2 Responses »
Feb 252013
 

Girl and Boy in Shopping CartWhen­ever I’m intro­duced to cou­ples, I always ask, “How did you meet?”  I’m fas­ci­nated by the ran­dom cir­cum­stances that bring peo­ple together and result in them remain­ing together for years, or even a life­time.  Often, the sto­ries remind me of a “meet-cute,” which is a Hol­ly­wood term for how a cou­ple stum­ble upon each other in an amus­ing or enter­tain­ing way.  It’s also used in romance fiction.

One of our for­mer employ­ees, Chris, stopped by the book­store to say hello on Sat­ur­day.  I remem­ber many a time where Chris and I dis­cussed his desire to meet the girl of his dreams and how the young ladies he went out with always seemed to fall short of his expec­ta­tions.  “Just give it time,” I said.  “When you meet the right girl, you’ll know it.”

““How will I know?” he asked.

I smiled.  “It just hap­pens when you’re not look­ing for it, and usu­ally in an unusual, unex­pected way.”

Chris sighed.  “Any other advice?”

““Yeah, choose some­one you can be friends with, because if you plan to keep her, you want to make sure you can have fun.  Mar­riage is for a very long time.”

On Sat­ur­day, Chris brought a young lady with him to the book­store and intro­duced her as his fiancee, Rachel.  I observed them only for a few min­utes before I decided she was the one for Chris.  What­ever he gave out, she gave back–yet always with a smile.  It was like watch­ing one of those screw­ball, roman­tic come­dies with Cary Grant and Ros­alind Russell.

““So, how did you meet?” I asked.

They cut their toward each other and giggled.

““We met on Black Fri­day,” Rachel began, which is a bit of over­heard dia­logue guar­an­teed to grab my atten­tion.  “I had decided I needed to buy a television.”

““I was in the check­out line behind her and we started talk­ing,” Chris added.

““And then he offered to hold my T.V.–”

““And we exchanged numbers–”

““And he called me a few days later.”

Rachel sighed.  ”“I wasn’t inter­ested in dat­ing any­one, but I thought he’d make a good friend,” she said.  “But after we talked on the phone, I thought, I really like him; I think I’ll date him instead.”

And the rest is history.

Do you have a meet-cute story?  If so, please share in the comments.

 

Mysterious Man Seduces Seniors in Golden Girls Scam

 Celebrities, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Feb 052013
 

Caricature Sketch of Burt ReynoldsKissim­i­coochee Police are inves­ti­gat­ing com­plaints from fam­ily mem­bers of a mys­te­ri­ous man seduc­ing their moth­ers and grandmothers.

Intro­duc­ing him­self as Burt Reynold–singular with no “S”–he told female senior cit­i­zens he was audi­tion­ing beau­ti­ful and charm­ing women over the age of sixty-five for a motion pic­ture reboot of The Golden Girls, the sit­u­a­tion com­edy about four middle-aged women shar­ing a home in Miami, Florida.

Telling the women he had been referred to them by some­one they knew who sug­gested her for the part of sizzin­gling sex­pot and south­ern belle, Blanche Dev­ereaux, he would gain access to their homes where he would read lines from a scene where the girls attend a hen party after Rose unknow­ingly takes a part-time job as a sales per­son for adult nov­elty items. Reynold would film the steamy scene with his iPhone, and give the women footrubs and feed them cheese­cake, before disappearing.

Although none of the women have com­plained about their vis­its from Reynold, fam­ily mem­bers are up in arms.

““It’s dis­gust­ing that a com­plete stranger can just sashay into Mama’s room here at the Blue Rinse Assisted Liv­ing Facil­ity for Women for feet rubs, cheese­cake, and God only know what kind of debauch­ery has been uploaded to YouTube,” said Mandy Phillips, 47, the daugh­ter of Ms. Abi­gail Tor­rance. “Not only is Mama dia­betic, but I have no idea where that man’s hands have been, let alone if he washed them before touch­ing Mama’s tootsies.”

When asked for her opin­ion on Mr. Reynold, Ms. Tor­rance replied, “I hope Mr. Magic Fin­gers comes back soon and brings more of that tur­tle cheesecake–it was to die for!”

A police sketch artist was able to come up with an image of Mr. Magic Fin­gers from Ms. Torrance’s descrip­tion. (See above.) If any­one sees a man match­ing this descrip­tion, please con­tact the Kissim­i­coochee Police Depart­ment … and don’t let him touch your feet or nib­ble on his cheesecake.

The Story Behind "Funkytown" by Lipps Inc. and "Funky Town" by Pseudo Echo

 80s, Dance, Disco, Flashback Fridays, Music, Pop Culture, Pop Music, Retro, Rock, Synth-Pop, Video  4 Responses »
Jan 042013
 

Lipps Inc, con­sist­ing of writer/producer/multi-instrumentalist Steven Green­berg and lead vocalist/saxophonist/former Miss Black Min­nesota Cyn­thia John­son, released “Funky­town” on Feb­ru­ary 18, 1980. The sin­gle topped the U.S. Hot Bill­board 100 for four weeks and peaked at #2 on the U.K. Sin­gles Chart. The record also hit #1 on the U.S. Bill­board Dance Music/Club Play Sin­gles Chart and #2 on the U.S. Bill­board R&B Sin­gles Chart.

Sup­pos­edly, New York City is the “funky­town” referred to in the song, as Green­berg longed to move from Min­neapo­lis to the Big Apple, where every­thing was hap­pen­ing. He later went on to become A&R Vice Pres­i­dent for Mer­cury Records and signed Han­son. When he became head of S-Curve Records, he signed Joss Stone and the Baha Men.

Aus­tralian band Pse­duo Echo released a cover, reti­tled “Funky Town,” on Decem­ber 15, 1986. Their ver­sion reached #6 on the U.S. Bill­board Hot 100, #4 on the U.S. Bill­board Hot Dance/Club Play, #8 on the U.K. Sin­gles Chart, and topped the Aus­tralian Sin­gles Chart. The Pse­duo Echo ver­sion is rock-infused and removed most of the disco ele­ments of the orig­i­nal Lipps Inc. recording.

Lipps Inc Ver­sions
Funky­town [7″ Version/Single Ver­sion] 3’57
Funky­town [Album Version/12″ Ver­sion] 7’51

Pse­duo Echo Ver­sions
Funky Town [Sin­gle Version/LP Ver­sion] 3’40
Funky Town [Album Ver­sion] 4’53
Funky Town [Dance Mix] 6’36
Funky Town [Funky House Mix] 5’25
Funky Town [Funky Club Mix] 6’05
Funky Town [Funky Vocal Mix] 6’10

““Funky­town” by Lipps Inc.

““Funky Town [Dance Mix]” by Pseudo Echo

Music Video
Cyn­thia John­son per­forms “Funky­town” in a club with back­ing dancers/vocalists in a club for Lipps Inc.‘s music video for “Funkytown.”

The music video for Pse­duo Echo’s cover of “Funky Town” is a per­for­mance of the song in concert.

Mem­o­ries
When I was in the sixth grade, “Funky­town” by Lipps Inc. was all over the radio in Waco, Texas. It reminded me of the scenes in the movie Buck Rogers in the 25th Cen­tury where Gil Ger­ard gets down with Twiki on the dance floor. “Funky­town” and “Call Me” by Blondie were my favorite songs at the time, and I would demand my mother or older sis­ter turn them up. For some rea­son, though, I never bought the record.

I remem­ber being sur­prised when I heard Pseudo Echo’s “Funky Town.” It was dif­fer­ent, but I liked the mod­ern (at the time) sound of it. I recall think­ing how odd that I was old enough for a band to cover a song from my youth–just seven years prior.

What are your mem­o­ries of “Funky­town” by Lipps Inc.? Or “Funky Town” by Pse­duo Echo?

Word Up Wednesday: Dye-Hard

 Dictionary, Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Word Up Wednesdays  1 Response »
Jan 022013
 

Man with Extremely Colored HairDye-Hard (noun) \dahy-harhd\ — A man who unknow­ingly begins to use hair color in an extreme way.

Exam­ple: When Bob left the office before the hol­i­days, Melody con­sid­ered him a sil­ver fox, due to his gray­ing hair; how­ever, when he returned after New Year’s after a bad Just for Men job and resem­bled a guido, she began refer­ring to him as the dye-hard.

Can you use dye-hard in a sentence?

Top Ten Gift Ideas for Niche People on Your List

 Holidays, Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
Dec 132012
 

Every­one has one or two fam­ily mem­bers, co-workers, or neigh­bors who are impos­si­ble for. Here are some prat­i­cal gift ideas for ten of the most hard to buy for niche peo­ple on your list:

01. Sin­gle Sis­ter with Healthy Sex­ual Appetite — Economy-size pack of batteries

02. Socially Awk­ward Can­ni­bal Co-Worker — Meat ten­der­izer (Avoid his con­tri­bu­tion to the office potluck, though.)

03. Cranky Sur­vival­ist, NRA Card-Carrying Grand­fa­ther — Ammo & canned goods

04. Crazy Cat Lady Neigh­bor — Big ol’ bag of Friskies

05. Green, Lib­eral Younger Brother Who Dehy­drates Eas­ily — Fil­tered bot­tle that turns urine into drink­ing water

06. Nar­ci­sist Boss with the Atten­tion of a Mag­pie — Mir­rored iPad case

07. Nephew with Atten­tion Deficit Dis­or­der — Laser pointer

08. Aunt with Short-Term Mem­ory Loss — Nametags

09. Hip­ster Neigh­bor — Native Amer­i­can head­dress (You’re not hip enough. You’re not sup­posed to understand)

10. Gay Car­bo­holic with Con­ti­nen­tal Wan­der­lust — Ric-a-Roni, the San Fran­cisco Treat

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