Why You Can't Trick an English Teacher

 Humor, Memory Mondays, Pop Culture  No Responses »
Oct 032011
 

Juniors were required to read John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men at Burleson High School in 1985.  If there was one book that I did not want to read, it was Of Mice and Men.  I had already watched sev­eral dif­fer­ent movie adap­ta­tions with my fam­ily, the most recent being a TV adap­ta­tion with Randy Quaid and Robert Blake of Baretta fame.  Fur­ther­more, Looney Toons had also pro­duced a few ani­mated shorts around char­ac­ters who were a par­ody of Lennie and George.  There­fore, every time Randy Quaid opened his mouth, I heard, “And I will spank him when he’s naughty,” and “Because I can’t say Sylvester, George.”

How­ever, it seemed that the solu­tion was offered to me by Mr. Evans him­self, when he advised that any­one whom was offended by the pro­fan­ity in the novel would not be required to read it.  On my way out of class, I casu­ally men­tioned to Mr. Evans that I was indeed offended by the pro­fan­ity in Of Mice and Men.  “I go to the Church of Christ, Mr. Evans,” I said.  “We’re not allowed to dance or swim with girls, let alone use such lan­guage, so …”

Mr. Evans smiled with a twin­kle in his eye that should have made me ner­vous, but I was too impressed with what I per­ceived to be the suc­cess of my scheme.

The next day I brought a sci­ence fic­tion novel with me to pass the time while the rest of the class trudged through Stein­beck.  After tak­ing roll, Mr. Evans handed me a book.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“You alter­na­tive read­ing selec­tion.”  Mr. Evans smiled and left me with Ernest Hemingway’s The Only Man and the Sea.  If I had thought Of Mice and Men would be a night­mare, it had noth­ing on The Old Man and the Sea–128 pages about an old man reel­ing in a fish.  B-O-R-I-N-G!  It was the longest book I had ever read.  When I finally fin­ished the book, I returned it to Mr. Evans.  “You knew, didn’t you?”

“Knew what?” Mr. Evans asked

“That I wasn’t offended by the pro­fan­ity in Of Mice and Men.”

“You weren’t?”  Mr. Evans expressed mock horror.

“So you pun­ished me with Hemingway.”

“I didn’t pun­ish you,” Mr. Evans said.  “But you had to read some­thing.”  His eyes twinkled.

On my way out of class, I made a men­tal note to never try to trick an Eng­lish teacher again.

 

The Story Behind "Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry

 80s, Flashback Fridays, Music, Pop Culture, Retro, Video  1 Response »
Sep 302011
 

Swedish singer-songwriter Neneh Cherry released her debut sin­gle “Buf­falo Stance” on Octo­ber 23, 1988, although it was released in early 1989 in the U.S.  The sin­gle charted at #3 on both the U.K. and U.S. charts, as well as #1 on the U.S. Dance Charts. The song is a col­lab­o­ra­tion with her hus­band Cameron McVey (A.K.A. Booga Bear), and was pro­duced by Mark Saun­ders and Tim Simenon (A.K.A. Bomb the Bass).

Cherry had pre­vi­ously recorded an ear­lier ver­sion of “Buf­falo Stance” as the B-side to “Look­ing Good Div­ing” by Morgan-McVey, a duo con­sist­ing of her hus­band and Jamie Mor­gan.  Enti­tled “Look­ing Good Div­ing with the Wild Bunch,” the track was pro­duced by Stock/Aitken/Waterman, known for their Hi-NRG pro­duc­tions for Dead or Alive, Divine, Hazel Dean, Bana­narama, Mel & Kim, Rick Ast­ley, and Kylie Minogue.  You can lis­ten to this ver­sion here.

The title of the song refers to a group of pho­tog­ra­phers, mod­els, musi­cians, and makeup artists that were put together by styl­ist Ray Petri that he dubbed Buf­falo, which is where Cherry and McVey met.  The stance describes how one would present one­self in a fash­ion photo-shoot in 1980s London.

“Buf­falo Stance” sam­ples Mal­colm McLaren’s “Buf­falo Gals” from 1982.

Cherry noto­ri­ously per­formed the song on Top of the Pops while eight-months pregnant.

 

Ver­sions

Buf­falo Stance [7″ Edit] 4’07

Buf­falo Stance [Album Version/Extended Mix] 5’43

Buf­falo Stance [Elec­tro Ski] 3’38

Buf­falo Stance [Scratchapella] 1’38

Buf­falo Stance [1/2 Way 2 House Mix] 7’44

Buf­falo Stance [Nearly Neue­beat Mix] 7’06

Buf­falo Stance [Kevin Saunderson’s Techno Stance I] 6’41

Buf­falo Stance [Kevin Saunderson’s Techno Stance II] 5’17

Buf­falo Stance [Fast Pop Mix] 5’41

Buf­falo Stance [Instru­men­tal] 5’41

Give Me a Mutha­fuck­ing Break Beat [Sukka Mix] 5’19

There’s Noth­ing Wrong Mix [Sukka Mix II] 5’30

 

Music Video

The music video is a psy­che­delic affair with Cherry in var­i­ous cos­tumes singing in front of a blue screen while images of backup dancers in funky fash­ions dance wildly and col­or­ful images and text appear.

 

Mem­o­ries

The first time I heard this song was on a rainy night in the late Win­ter of ’89.  I was work­ing in the PBX on the Tar­get on South Hulen Street in Fort Worth when it came on the radio.  It sounded fresh and I liked the flat­u­lent synth sound.  (I don’t know how else to describe it.)  Later, I caught the video on MTV; I was sur­prised at how prim­i­tive it seemed, because it seemed like it was shot on video instead of film, which was not the norm of the time.  Still, Cherry’s quirky per­son­al­ity made me love the song even more.  I bought the cass­in­gle (cas­sette sin­gle) at Tar­get, along with Camouflage’s “The Great Com­mand­ment.” and played them as my friend Joan and I went to see Indi­ana Jones and the Last Cru­sade.  After­wards, I dropped her off and she insisted that I come inside her apart­ment so that she could dub “Buf­falo Stance.”  I remem­ber that she taped it onto a cas­sette with a hand­writ­ten title writ­ten in red ink:  KICKIN’ ASS MIX.

What are your mem­o­ries of “Buf­falo Stance” by Neneh Cherry?

Top Ten Outfits to Avoid at Work

 fashion, Humor, Jobs, Pop Culture, Top Ten Thursdays, Work  2 Responses »
Sep 292011
 

More and more work­places are mov­ing away from pro­fes­sional dress to busi­ness casual, but how casual is too casual.  Ever won­der what you wear may be com­mu­ni­cat­ing to co-workers?  Or how it can cre­ate haz­ards at the office?  Busi­ness con­sul­tant Gin­ger, Fincher gives exam­ples of ten out­fits to avoid and why:

01. French Maid Cos­tume — Never mind the skimpy skirt and fish­net hose, acces­soriz­ing with a feather duster can bring all sorts of aller­gens into the office.  Plus, co-workers may expect you to clean up after them.

02. Ninja Duds — As chic as ninja wear is, it can cause some com­mo­tion for dri­vers deliv­er­ing to ner­vous receptionists.

03. Native Amer­i­can Head­dress — If the Indi­ans had won the war against white set­tlers, per­haps Native Amer­i­can fash­ion would send a dif­fer­ent mes­sage at the nego­ti­a­tion table.  More­over, a feath­ered head­dress can be down­right dan­ger­ous next to the papershredder.

04. Self-Expressing Nurs­ing Bra — Although it may be con­ve­nient for your bra to express your milk through­out the work day, when you lean across the con­fer­ence table for a hand­out, you don’t want to acci­den­tally shot the boss in the eye with milk.

05. Kilt — Although noth­ing says fall fash­ion like plaid, for­get­ting that you’re not wear­ing under­wear and cross­ing your legs dur­ing a meet­ing can lead to reveal­ing too much per­sonal infor­ma­tion and a poten­tial lawsuit.

06.Burqa — Like ninja cloth­ing, a burqa worn, say dur­ing an inter­view, can be unset­tling.  Inter­vie­wees rely on feed­back from facial expres­sion, eye con­tact, and body lan­guage to indi­cate how they’re doing the inter­view process.  For all they know, you could be mak­ing faces at them or snoozing.

07. Chain­mail — Chivalry may not be dead, but chain­mail causes prob­lems for lawyers who must con­tend with cour­t­house metal detec­tors.  Also, paper­clips snag on chain­mail like you wouldn’t believe.

08. Toga — Noth­ing brings sum­mer to mind like a toga, but that’s also when facil­i­ties man­age­ment turns up the air con­di­tion­ing.  Don’t be caught shiv­er­ing in your toga next to your space heater in July, because the loose mate­r­ial can eas­ily catch on fire.  Plus, the white mate­r­ial shows every­thing:  toner, cof­fee, blood, food, etc.

09. Loin­cloth — The breech­cloth has become pop­u­lar among com­pet­i­tive younger male exec­u­tives who take pride in their bod­ies, but it only takes catch­ing the loose flap on the cor­ner of a desk to make the whole world your proc­tol­o­gist and reveal any hid­den difficiencies.

10. Hoop Skirt — Not only can hoop skirts present prob­lems when try­ing to sit com­fort­ably in an office chair, they also can cre­ate lit­eral road­blocks in the nar­row pas­sage­ways of cubi­cle farms.  Damn it, Scar­let, leave the hoop skirt at home!

Word Up Wednesday: Testostedrone

 Dictionary, Humor, Men's Interest, Pop Culture, Vocabulary, Women's Interest, Word Up Wednesdays  No Responses »
Sep 282011
 

Testost­e­drone (verb) \tes-tos-tuh-drohn\ – When a man bores a women by going on and on about some mas­cu­line obses­sion, like team sports, auto­mo­biles, and/or women with surgically-enhanced breasts so large that they require scaf­fold­ing to stand erect.

Exam­ple:  After Jane lis­tened to Tony testos­ter­drone about the Dal­las Cow­boys for an hour at the party, she chased down a Vicodin with two glasses of wine, then headed down to the docks with a few gay guys to pick up sailors.

Can you use this word in a sentence?

The Other Side of Stalking

 Celebrities, Humor, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Sep 272011
 

“I thought I could change Ben and he could love me, too, but I was wrong,” said Mary Roth­schild, 27, a den­tal hygien­ist from Butte, Mon­tana who was arrested for stalk­ing Ben Tan­ner, a per­sonal trainer and gay porn actor.  “Now I under­stand that he needed to be kid­napped to undergo gay aver­sion therapy.”

Roth­schild can­not get within a quar­ter of a mile from Tan­ner before an ankle bracelet she is required to wear acti­vates an alarm on Tanner’s ankle bracelet, which alerts local police to send a squad car to arrest Roth­schild.  “You know, every­one is always talk­ing about the stal­kee being the vic­tim, but it’s always the stalker who goes to jail,” Roth­schild said.

Most of the patients at the office of Ronald Math­ers, DDS, recall Roth­schild as being friendly, chatty, and atten­tive with the den­tal suc­tion equip­ment, there­fore, it came as a shock when they learned that she had been arrested for set­ting Tanner’s house on fire while he was asleep.  “It was all a big mis­un­der­stand­ing,” Roth­schild explains.  “Ben needed res­cu­ing.  How was I sup­posed to do that with­out some­thing to res­cue him from?”  Roth­schild attempted to rush into the burn­ing build­ing wear­ing only a rain­coat, red cow­girl boots, and oven mitts, only to find Tanner’s doors were locked from the inside.  The the sound of approach­ing sirens woke him up, and he was able to jump to safety from his sec­ond floor bed­room window.

“I’m not embar­rassed about the arrest,” Roth­schild said.  “It’s just so dis­rup­tive to a nor­mal life, though.  I was tak­ing an Artist’s Way class and I missed a meet­ing.”  She is suing the Butte Police Depart­ment for men­tal anguish and dis­rupt­ing her weekly Artist’s Date and weekly Morn­ing Pages.

“What peo­ple don’t under­stand is that stalk­ers are the real vic­tims,” Roth­schild said.  “You always hear how stalk­ers intim­i­date the stal­kees, but did you ever won­der how intim­i­dat­ing it might be to think ‘What if I just hap­pen to get a han­ker­ing for a Nachos Bell­Grande® at exactly the same time as the stal­kee, and we just hap­pen to show up at the same Taco Bell at the same time?  Will the SWAT Team taser the stal­kee?  No, it’s always the stalker who’s being loaded, twitch­ing spas­mod­i­cally, into the back of the patrol car.”

Now a stalker activist, Roth­schild is tour­ing the coun­try, usu­ally turn­ing up in the same cities where Tan­ner is danc­ing at a gay club, to show the doc­u­men­tary she pro­duced, directed, and stars in, I’ll Just Do It Until I Need a Restrain­ing Order.  In the 90-minute video, Roth­schild inter­views other stalk­ers to prove how they–not the stalkee–are the true vic­tims of the jus­tice sys­tem.  She is cur­rently in nego­ti­a­tions to turn her life story into a movie.  “I think that if Julia Roberts played a stalker in a movie, peo­ple might recon­sider how they per­ceive stalk­ers.  I mean, no one thinks they know one, but your hus­band, mother, child–even your dog–could be a stalker.  They’re closer than you think; in fact, there might even be one behind you.”

Roth­schild and I’ll Just Do It Until I Need a Restrain­ing Order will be com­ing to your city soon, usu­ally at a loca­tion just a lit­tle over a mile from where Ben Tan­ner will be danc­ing in a g-string.

What Is the Real Pepsi Challenge?

 Essays, Humor, Jobs, Memory Mondays, Pop Culture, Work  2 Responses »
Sep 262011
 

One can often tell what part of the United States that another orig­i­nates from based upon what word he or she uses to refer to a soft drink:  soda, pop, fizzy water, etc.  In the South, every­thing is a coke. The word “coke” can refer to Coca-Cola, which is also known as Coke, or it can refer to any other brand of car­bon­ated beverage.

This can lead to con­fu­sion for any­one else who grows up out­side of the South.  There’s coke with a lit­tle “c” and there’s Coke with a a big “C,” which is like how there are gods with a lit­tle “g,” like on Mount Olym­pus, and there is a God with a big “G,” who lives up in Heaven in pearly gated com­mu­nity.  Any god can be a god with a lit­tle “g,” but there is only one God with a big “G.”  (Please note:  This anal­ogy doesn’t work so well with athe­ists, agnos­tics, and fol­low­ers of polytheists.

After I grad­u­ated from col­lege in 1991, I ended up work­ing at Pep­sico Food Sys­tems (PFS), which over­saw the pur­chas­ing and dis­tri­b­u­tion of foods for Pepsi-owned fran­chises, such as Cal­i­for­nia Pizza Kitchen, KFC, Hot & Now, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell.  I worked in the pro­mo­tions depart­ment, which designed prod­ucts with the var­i­ous fran­chise logos, as well as the pro­mo­tional t-shirts that you fre­quently see the fast food work­ers wear­ing when they roll out a new food item.

It was a fun place to be in 1993, how­ever, it almost ended one after­noon when I became thirsty and decided to talk down the hall to the soft drink machine.  I stopped at the door and said, “I’m going to get a coke.  Does any­one want any­thing?”  Key­board keys went mute, tele­phones stopped ring­ing, and sec­re­taries quit gos­sip­ing.  The only sound was the beat­ing of my heart.  I gulped and said, “Pepsi, I mean, Pepsi.  I’m going down the hall to get a Pepsi.  Yeah, Pepsi any­one?”  Imme­di­ately, the office returned to nor­mal.  It was one of the scari­est moments in my life.  I thought I might be stoned to death with cans of Pepsi Cola.

I learned to like Pepsi, but after a while, one grows board with drink­ing the same thing every­day.  I soon learned that I could take one of the paper cups with the Pepsi logo on it by the water cooler, sneak down the hall to the soft drink machine, and fill it with Coca-Cola.  In the begin­ning, I just did it to give my taste buds some vari­ety; but as time went on, the sub­ver­sive­ness of get­ting away with drink­ing the com­pe­ti­tion in a Pepsi office made the Coke taste even sweeter.  It just seemed asi­nine that so much fuss was made about sweet­ened car­bon­ated water.

I moved to Atlanta in 1996, which is the home of Coca-Cola.  The soft drink was invented in Atlanta, and one can visit World of Coca-Cola to learn more about its his­tory and influ­ence.  I soon heard oth­ers make fun of peo­ple who worked for Coke.  “It’s like a cult,” some­one said.  “You know, if another Coke employee finds any­thing but Coke in your refrig­er­a­tor, he can turn you in and you dis­ap­pear like Argentina in the ‘70s.”

I thought that oth­ers were exag­ger­at­ing about Coke employ­ees until one evening when I accom­pa­nied a co-worker to meet some of her friends who worked at Coca-Cola in a pub.  We were chat­ting over some wings and beers when a Coke com­mer­cial appeared on the tele­vi­sion.  All of the Coke employ­ees went silent, as if they were con­trolled by some some dis­tant pup­pet mas­ter.  Their eyes glazed over and they stared at the TV.  I think I even moved my hand in front of the face of the guy sit­ting beside me and he didn’t even blink.  The Coke employ­ees had an expres­sion on their faces like the aliens from Toy Story. 

“I have been cho­sen! Farewell, my friends. I go on to a bet­ter place.”

I glanced at my friend, con­cern in my eyes, but she just shrugged.  When the com­mer­cial ended, the Coke employ­ees imme­di­ately picked up where they had left off, as if Saman­tha Stevens had momen­tar­ily put them in sus­pended ani­ma­tion while she con­sulted with Endora.  It gave me the creeps.

Maybe that’s why my favorite soft drink is Dr Pep­per, which was cre­ated in Waco, Texas, where I lived for 10 years when I was a kid.  I imag­ine Dr. Pep­per employ­ees to be com­pletely nor­mal.  Then again, I’ve never met a Dr Pep­per employee.

The Story Behind "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears

 80s, Flashback Fridays, Music, Pop Culture, Retro, Synth-Pop, Video  2 Responses »
Sep 232011
 

Tears for Fears released “Every­body Wants to Rule the World” on March 18, 1985.  It peaked at #2 in the U.K. and topped the U.S. charts.  Even though “Every­body Wants to Rule the World” was their ninth sin­gle, Tears for Fears were rel­a­tively unknown in the U.S.  Before the end of the year, they would be con­sid­ered a main­stream suc­cess, with a #1 album, Songs from the Big Chair, and three Top 10 hits.

“Every­body Wants to Rule the World” was almost not recorded, as Roland Orz­a­bal felt that it didn’t fit in with the other songs on the album.  How­ever, Chris Hughes, the pro­ducer, con­vinced the band to record the song, specif­i­cally to break the U.S. market.

The song was par­tially re-recorded in 1986 as “Every­body Wants to Run the World” in sup­port of Sports Relief, which raised money for famine relief in Africa.  This ver­sion charted in the Top 5 in the UK.

Ver­sions
Every­body Wants to Rule the World 4’10
Every­body Wants to Rule the World [Extended Ver­sion] 5’43
Every­body Wants to Rule the World [Urban Mix] 6’06
Every­body Wants to Rule the World [Instru­men­tal] 4’26

Music Video
The music fea­tures bassist Curt Smith dri­ving around Cal­i­for­nia in a con­vert­ible.  He stops to make a phone call, sing at the sun­set, and then per­forms as peo­ple on dirt bikes and three-wheelers zoom around him.  None of the visu­als match the bite of the lyrics or the mood of the music, which–I guess–is ironic.  Still, the absur­dity of the lit­tle boy with the cow­boy hat and toy pis­tols and the two black guys in a suits danc­ing is kind of fun. And there’s footage of the band in a stu­dio, too.

Mem­o­ries
This song always takes me back to the Sum­mer of 1985, cruis­ing around in my bur­gundy Mal­ibu Clas­sic with friends, usu­ally Kent and Duane.  It also reminds me of my friend Charise, because it is one of two cas­settes that I remem­ber that she owned.  It appeared on DFW radio about a month before the end of my junior year.  There is a cer­tain styl­ized, almost over-produced sound that is sin­gu­lar to the mid 80s, and this is one of the songs that best exem­pli­fies it; I think it’s the gui­tar and syn­the­sizer.  Any­way, this is the first Tears for Fears song that played on the main­stream radio in the U.S., fol­lowed by “Shout” later that year, which had been released in 1984 in the U.K.  Although the lyrics don’t have any par­tic­u­lar sig­nif­i­cance to me, the music almost always stirs up a cer­tain wist­ful­ness for friends and days gone by.

In hind­sight, I actu­ally like the the pre­vi­ous sin­gles and album (The Hurt­ing) bet­ter.  How­ever, I didn’t hear them until a few years later, since Songs from the Big Chair is the album that broke Tears for Fears in Amer­ica.  I could gladly never hear “Shout” again.  I’m quite fond of “Head over Heels,” though.

What are your mem­o­ries of “Every­body Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears?

Top Ten Middle-Aged Themed Songs You'll Never Hear on Top 40 Radio

 Humor, Men's Interest, Music, Parody, Pop Culture, Top Ten Thursdays, Women's Interest  2 Responses »
Sep 222011
 

The other day I actu­ally uttered the words that offi­cially clas­sify me as old:  “All this music sounds the same to me.”  Of course, then I had to remind myself that I’m not the tar­get demo­graphic for most adver­tis­ers, either.  It got me won­der­ing what the Top 40 might look like if it were focused more on a middle-aged mindset.

01. “Jig­gle Dem Love Han­dles (Big Boy in Da House)” by Super-Sized Stan

02. “Fiber (You’re the One)” by The Muf­fin Men

03. “My Hus­band Came Out When We Got Snowed In” by The Gay Divorcée

04. “Swingers Delight” by Adam & Eve & Friends

05. “Just Wait Until Your Father’s Other Per­son­al­ity Comes Home” by Dis­ci­ples of Discipline

06. “Express Your­self (Lac­tate La La La)” by Word from The Mothers

07. “Whip My Pony­tail” by Mr. Midlife Crisis

08. “I Don’t Wanna Be an Adult No More (Let’s Run­away with the Kids’ Col­lege Fund)” by Badd Parentz

09. “My Hair Done Gone (To Her Upper Lip)” by Till Death Do Us Part

10. “Squint! Squint! Cha-Cha-Cha (The Read­ing Glasses Song)” by Daddy Dawg & The Menopausettes

Word Up Wednesday: Kitty-Litter

 Dictionary, Humor, Pop Culture, Vocabulary, Word Up Wednesdays  2 Responses »
Sep 212011
 

Kitty-litter  (verb) \kit-ee lit-er\ – To over­whelm another’s e-mail or social media account with an over­abun­dance of videos of cute cats doing amus­ing things.

Exam­ple:  Chip un-friended his mom after she kitty-littered him with a pop-up video of a cat run­ning around in cir­cles dur­ing his Power Point pre­sen­ta­tion to the biggest client of his career–and suf­fered from a feline phobia.

Can you use this word in a sentence?

How Red Hat Ladies Went Wild

 Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  1 Response »
Sep 202011
 

In ret­ro­spect, Char­lene Twad­dle blames her­self for dis­re­gard­ing her golden potluck rule:  Never eat any­thing pre­pared by some­one you don’t know.

“Per­son­ally, I like to go to the ladies’ room with a gal before their food touches my mouth,” Twad­dle, 52, a Mary Kay Beauty Con­sul­tant and Queen (AKA founder of the Kissimeecoochee , Geor­gia Red Hat Soci­ety) said.  “I like to make sure she washes her hands after she tinkles.”

The Queen, along with the other Red Hat­ters (mem­bers) of the Kissimeecoochee, Red Hat Soci­ety, are lay­ing low after a video enti­tled Red Hat Ladies Gone Wild was uploaded to YouTube ear­lier this week.  The video has gone viral and been fea­tured on CNN, the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and the locally-produced Ed & Earl’s Tackle & Bait Report.  The 10-minute clip shows Red Hat­ters singing bawdy songs and cavort­ing half-naked in the fel­low­ship hall of the Kissimeecoochee Bap­tist Church.  How­ever, the finale is when Twad­dled stag­gered out­side and con­ducted a play­ful strip-tease using the flag­pole.  (Old Glory has flown at half-mast since the inci­dent.)  The video ends just after Twad­dle slides into the splits, com­pletely nude, and Sher­iff Cle­tus Clowter slapps on the hand­cuffs and arrests Twad­dle for inde­cent exposure.

Maryann Snow, wife of Dea­con Don Snow of Kissimeecoochee Bap­tist, referred to the inci­dent as “an orgy of tea­cakes and shame.”  Snow plans to hold a bake-in tomor­row night in the kitchen of Kissimeecoochee Bap­tist at 6:00 p.m.  “We’re going to pray for these women and bake their sins into cook­ies, cup­cakes, and Rice Krispie treats, then go out and feed them to home­less peo­ple and other folks who are going to hell, anyway.”

Twad­dle and the rest of her Red Hat­ters ini­tially believed to be the inci­dent to be a hys­ter­i­cal reac­tion to menopause, but then one mem­ber noticed that Carol Mahoney, 57, the newest mem­ber and a mas­sage ther­a­pist for a local chi­ro­prac­tor, was observed in a cor­ner with a goofy grin on her face as she pol­ished off the rest of her home­made brown­ies.  It has sense been ver­i­fied that Mahoney had been a hip­pie in the ‘70s, burned her bra, and had lived briefly in a nud­ist commune.

Mahoney has since admit­ted that the brown­ies con­tained mar­i­juana and apol­o­gized.  “I acci­den­tally grabbed the wrong brown­ies off the kitchen counter,” Mahoney said.  “The brown­ies that I brought were intended for my husband’s Dead Head Party.  It was an hon­est mis­take; it could have hap­pened to anyone.”

Twad­dle and the other Red Hat­ters feel that Mahoney’s apol­ogy is not enough.  Twad­dle plans to sue for the cost of laser removal treat­ment for the pen­ta­gram that she asked her cell­mate to tat­too onto her behind with a Bic pen while under the influ­ence of Mahoney’s brown­ies.  Twad­dle can con­firm, how­ever, that Chi Chi Gomez does indeed wash her hands after she tinkles.

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