Beyonce’s genuine faux baby bump sold on eBay for $1,379.13 last week. However, when the winning bidder, Jo Jo Stallone, 31, a hairdresser/mechanic at Mabel’s Beauty Shop & Pit Stop in Kissimimcoochee, Georgia, received his package, he found a New Kids on the Block throw pillow, featuring Danny Wood, one of the quieter members of the group.
“I was shocked and outraged,” Stallone said, slicing his shears through the air for dramatic emphasis. “When I bought Beyonce’s genuine faux baby bump, I expected to receive the real thing–not a blatant fake! B. is a style goddess. You cannot tell me she had a NKTOTB pillow stuffed up her silk blouses for nine months, and even if she did, it would be Ms. Jordan Knight, because he was the head bitch in that group.”
With eBay’s help, police were able to trace the package back to the seller, a Ms. Mae Wong Chow, 63, a lunch lady in Walla Walla, Washington. When asked why she misrepresented the sale of her NKOTB throw pillow, Ms. Chow said, “I did so because Danny not sell.” Ms. Chow confessed to bearing the brunt of bullying by children coming through her lunch line as they made fun of her orthopedic shoes. She said she intended to use the money from the sale of the genuine faux Beyonce baby bump to buy some new kicks to blow those douchebags away at Ernestine Crutcher Middle School.
Ms. Chow is currently making restitution to Mr. Stallone by selling her new kicks on eBay.
In the meantime, Mr. Stallone has decided to keep the Danny Wood pillow, as he has experienced a great deal of healing since he propped it up on the other end of his loveseat and started talking to it. “I just feel like I can tell Danny everything and he doesn’t judge me or say anything negative.” Stallone said the pillow has provided more healing than ten years he spent in therapy. “All this time, I thought I hated my mother when it turns out I was just coveting her wardrobe. Who knew!”