Kissimicoochee LGBT community is in a pickle. It seems that the Gay Pride Committee has lost track of when they scheduled their first gay pride celebration.
The first gay pride celebration, the Christopher Street Liberation Day, took place on June 28, 1970, one year after LGBT people rioted a police raid on a gay bar in New York City, the Stonewall Inn. Since that time, many gay pride celebrations are scheduled for the last weekend in June.
The Kissimicoochee Gay Pride Committee first met at Pinky’s Fierce Flamingo, the town’s sole gay bar, just outside of town near the Highway 86 exit and Granny’s XXX Gift Shop and Truck Stop, last September to begin organizing the festivities.
““We had originally planned to schedule our event in Stonewall Jackson Park on the Square for Saturday, June 23,” said Skip Bottom, half of the Topp-2-Botttom Realty Team with his partner, Tiger Topp. “But when we went to apply for a permit, the City informed us that Big Ethel Baptist had already booked the park for their annual Gospel Revival & Waffle Toss.”
The committee considered pushing Pride back a week, but discovered that another special interest group had already booked the park for June 30–Miss Loretta Barber’s Dance Studio & Charm School’s Annual Watermelon Ballet. “How could we possibly upstage those little girls?” Bottom said. “I mean, Tiger’s niece, Autumn Rose, is going to be one of the seeds that clogs her way out of the pink flesh, danced by the older girls.”
As the committee explored other dates on the calendar, they noted that Kissimicoochee is filled with lots of special interest groups that regularly use the park for events: Coweta County Pig Farmer’s Mud Wrestling Competition, the Southern Georgia Barber Association’s Buzz-Off, One-Armed Former Gator Park Employees’ Arm Wrestling Contest, an attempt to get in the Guiness Book of Records for Eating the World’s Largest Chicken-Fried Steak, and the carnival to commemorate the birthday of Kissimicoochee’s own Headless Miracle Chicken, Chopper.
““Throughout the year, we had a few boozy meetings where we decided on several alternative dates,” Bottom said. “However, at our last meeting, we panicked when we realized that we didn’t write any of those dates down, until someone found a cocktail napkin in a stained file folder. It seems that we had decided on April 21, which had already past, and December 29, which won’t work because it will be too cold to take your shirt off in the park–and you can’t celebrate gay pride with a shirt on, even the ladies agree on that.”
Marianne Snow, President of the Kissimicoochee Baptist Church’s Women’s Bible Brigade, has stated that she will personally use black electrical to cover anyone who tries to put their nipples to the wind. “I know that these gay pride parades always attract topless dykes on bikes, and I don’t think that’s appropriate for the children of our town to see,” Snow said. “Nipples should either be in a bra or a baby’s mouth–period.”
Bette “Butch” Bowman, Kissimicoochee’s only lesbian, stated at a press conference held in the living room of her trailer that she will not lead the gay pride parade, topless, on her riding lawnmower, and since Snow had recently visited her in the hospital after her double mastectomy, she should know better than make such “crazy-ass statements.”
After an emergency meeting Friday night, the Kissimicoochee Gay Pride Committee has accepted an offer from Eddie’s Dunk & Funk, a combination gourmet doughnut and used record store, to hold Gay Pride in the back parking lot. “Since there are only about eight LGBT people in town, we realized that there was no reason to book the whole park for ourselves,” Bottom said. “And we agreed that it was important to us to have our gay pride on Saturday, June 28, no matter where it is Kissimicoochee.”
Bottom would like to remind Kissimicoochee that straight people are welcome at Gay Pride, but glow sticks are mandatory.