God Decides to Retire

 Humor, Parody, Religion, Spirituality, Tall Tale Tuesdays  1 Response »
Aug 212012
 

God announced yes­ter­day that He plans to retire at the end of the year from His posi­tion as Supreme Ruler of the Uni­verse.  “I’ve been at this gig for long time and I just can’t do it, any­more,” Gold told reporters at a press con­fer­ence.  “I knew it was time to quit when I real­ized that I really don’t like peo­ple.  I mean, I give them ten measly com­mand­ments and they still lie, kill, and covet their neighbor’s ass–interpret that as you will–and that whole whole Chick-Fil-A busi­ness!  Holy moly!  I’ve said for years, ‘Eat more fish.’”

Ques­tioned as to why He didn’t unleash His wrath upon humankind, God replied, “You just can’t turn any­one into a pil­lar of salt these days with­out some peo­ple get­ting upset and stag­ing a lick-in.  The next thing you know, someone’s taken a pic­ture with her iPhone and tweeted, Guess what the Big Kahuna’s done now? #OMFG.”

When asked about his future plans, God said, “I plan to travel:  the Grand Canyon, the Great Bar­rier Reef, Euro Dis­ney.  I know I cre­ated them all, but I’d like to expe­ri­ence them as just a tourist.  I also plan to take up water col­ors, watch reruns of the Mary Tyler Moore Show, and maybe take some trom­bone lessons.  I’m also intrigued by Zumba.”

LGBT Community Flocks to Chick-Fil-A Alternative

 Alternative, Food, Gay, Humor, LGBT, Parody, Politics, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Aug 142012
 

After learn­ing that Chick-Fil-A donated money to the Fam­ily Research Coun­cil, an orga­ni­za­tion that falsely links homo­sex­u­al­ity to pedophilia, Jo Jo Gon­za­les found him­self at a fork in the road:  Do I choose LGBT rights?  Or do I choose a deep-fried chicken sand­wich?  Then a thought occurred to him–Why can’t I have both?

Gon­za­les and his boyfriend, Eddie O’Hara, decided to open an alter­na­tive to Chick-Fil-A that sup­ports same-sex mar­riage.  Thus, they have opened their first Cock-a-Grill-a-Do in Decatur, Geor­gia.  “Eddie is Irish, so we had orig­i­nally intended to call it the Bent Cock, which is British slang for gay.  When we tried it out on poten­tial cus­tomers, it stirred in their minds the images of a sex club, not a chicken sand­wich, so we had to rethink our plan.”

The Cock-a-Grill-a-Do expe­ri­ence begins as the cus­tomer walks through the doors of the hot pink barn facade and is greeted by hunky, shirt­less cashiers who eagerly await to take his order.  At the moment, there are only two sand­wich options:  The Dirty Birdy, which is a deep-fried chicken sand­wich, and the Cock-a-Grill-a-Do, which is the grilled chicken alter­na­tive.  The cus­tomer may spec­ify if he wants his sand­wich with spe­cial sauce (with a money shot) or dry (a la safe sex).  Instead of  waf­fle fries, Cock-a-Grill-a-Do offers Chicken Scratch Fries, a lat­ticed potato vari­a­tion with a spicy sea­son­ing.  For dessert, choose from Aunt Earl’s Egg-straordinary Ice­box Pie or Mis­sis­sissy Mud Brownie.  Cock-a-Grill-a-Do turns lemon­ade on its rind with their refresh­ing adult bev­er­age inspired lemon-fey’d.

After plac­ing his order, the cus­tomer can relax by lis­ten­ing to chicken-fried takes on clas­sic disco songs:  “Ring My Neck” instead of “Ring My Bell,” “Let’s All Cluck” instead of “Let’s All Chant,” and “Le Beak” instead of “Le Freak.”  When the food is ready, go-go boys in feath­ered g-strings with elab­o­rate tails slide down a pole from where the kitchen is in the hay loft and deliver the food to the customer’s table.  Cus­tomers are also treated to cock fights on the hour when sexy boys dressed in skimpy chicken-inspired cos­tumes climb into the ring in the cen­ter of a din­ing room for cock fights.

So far, busi­ness has been phe­nom­e­nal, but Gon­za­lez and O’Hara have received crit­i­cism from les­bians who feel that Cock-a-Grill-a-Do caters toward gay men–not women.  “We’re plan­ning to add a hen house in the back of the park­ing lot where we’ll serve organic and veg­e­tar­ian options,” said Gon­za­les, “as well as acoustic music about chickens.”

When asked if they feel Cock-a-Grill-a-Do suc­ceeds in pro­vid­ing a chicken sand­wich in an envi­ron­ment that sup­ports same-sex mar­riage, Gon­za­les and O’Hara look at each other.  “You know, we got so swept up in the fab­u­lous­ness of the idea, that we for­got all about that.”

Club Oui Oui Provides Affirmation & Water Sports

 Fetish, Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Aug 072012
 

Carol Tim­mons never expected to meet her soul­mate when she attended a self-empowerment work­shop two years ago.  “As a woman, it was ingrained in me to put the needs of oth­ers before my own that I just kept attract­ing men who per­pet­u­ated that behav­ior,” said Tim­mons.  “I just kept say­ing yes to every­one else and no to myself.”

At the meet­ing, Tim­mons was part­nered with Bob Kusher for a few exer­cises.  “Bob seemed like a nice guy, but I wasn’t imme­di­ately attracted to him until we did a val­i­da­tion exer­cise where we to look within our­selves and ask what we truly wanted and then share it with our part­ner,” Tim­mons said.  “I looked in my soul and real­ized that I wanted to travel to France.  Spit­ting those words, how­ever, was like pulling teeth.  Bob just told me to take my time.  When I finally choked the words out, he smiled at me and said, ‘Carol, you deserve to go to France.’  I imme­di­ately knew I wanted to have his baby.”

Kusher also felt a mutual attrac­tion.  “I noticed right off the bat that Carol was a real looker, but I’d been taken advan­tage of by a pretty face in the past, so I was wary,” Kusher said.  “When I looked within for the exer­cise, I was shocked at what I found.  In fact, I was afraid to share my desire with any­one, but Carol was so warm and assur­ing that finally I just said, ‘I want some­one to pee on me.’  Carol smiled at me and said, ‘Bob, you deserved to be peed on.’  And I knew I was in love.”

After the work­shop, Tim­mons and Kusher went out for cof­fee and have been together ever since.  They began study­ing French and trav­eled to Paris where Bob pro­posed to Carol in the bath­room of a French bistro.  “Bob said, ‘If you want to marry me, pee on me.  If you don’t, then just walk away and leave me high and dry,’” Tim­mons said.  “Nat­u­rally, I said yes, but it was so hard to pee on him.  I had him lie in the floor and squat­ted over him and I had to say, “Stop look­ing at me; I’m try­ing to pee on you!”

Even­tu­ally, they decided to open Club Oui Oui, a safe space where peo­ple can come to receive affir­ma­tion and to be uri­nated on.  “There’s so much neg­a­tiv­ity in this world,” Kusher said.  “So, I think peo­ple really crave a place where they can say, ‘I want to explore my poten­tial for being a nude clown on a uni­cy­cle,’ and we respond with an enthu­si­as­tic YES!”

When asked if they see a spike in traf­fic at Club Oui Oui, Tim­mons replied that the win­ter months are the best for busi­ness.  “I think it’s because urine is warm.”

Philosophers Upset by Casting for Gay Philosophy Film, Thinkerbelle

 Gay, Humor, Movies, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  2 Responses »
Jul 312012
 

Philoso­phers in the United States are in arms over the cast­ing in new inde­pen­dent film, Thinker­belle, released by You Go Girl! Productions.

Thinker­belle tells the story of Thom Tanker­s­ley, a bohemian drama major who trans­fers to Riverdale Uni­ver­sity and falls in love with phi­los­o­phy.  Kris Cul­lum, the actor who plays Thom, is openly gay.

U.S. philoso­phers take no issue that Cul­lum is gay; they are upset that a philoso­pher was not cast in the part.  “Name me one per­son who is the face of phi­los­o­phy today,” Dr. George Bundt of Texas Uni­ver­sity said.  “We need to see more open philo­soph­i­cal actors play­ing these parts.”

Cul­lum has stated that gay actors trump philo­soph­i­cal actors, like rock crush­ing scis­sors.  When asked at a press con­fer­ence if Pythago­ras was an inspi­ra­tion for him in this film, Cul­lum stated, “No.  I had that once, but the doc­tor gave me a shot of peni­cillin and it cleared up.”

When You Go Girl! Pro­duc­tions was asked for a com­ment, they replied, “We need to think about it.”

The Walking Grateful Dead Toys Debut in Time for Holidays

 80s, Canada, Family, Humor, Kids, Music, Parents, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Toys, Zombies  No Responses »
Jul 242012
 

Rhino Enter­tain­ment and Ken­ner Prod­ucts have joined forces to cre­ate a new toy that will appeal to small chil­dren and baby boomers by reimag­in­ing the danc­ing bears from the back of the Grate­ful Dead’s His­tory of the Grate­ful Dead, Vol­ume One (Bear’s Choice) as zom­bies.  Ken­ner, who has pro­duced the pop­u­lar Care Bears, for the past 30 years, will offer a line of ani­ma­tronic, multi-colored, zom­bie bears in time for the hol­i­day sea­son known as the Walk­ing Grate­ful Dead.

The toys will march slowly across the floor, attracted by move­ment, while play­ing Grate­ful Dead songs, with altered lyrics.  For exam­ple, instead of “Uncle John’s Band,” the bears play “Uncle John’s Brain.”  Other revised songs in the Walk­ing Grate­ful Dead set list include:  “Johnny Taste Good,” “Munchin’,“Let Me Bite Your Eyes Away,” and “The Zom­bies Never Stopped.”

So far, prod­uct test­ing has proven the Walk­ing Grate­ful Dead to be a win­ner.  “Tod­dlers just squeal with delight as they run from the lum­ber­ing zom­bie bears,” said Karen Pardeau, Man­ager of Prod­uct Test­ing at Ken­ner.  “And it’s so cute to see them gig­gle when the bears cor­ner them and gnaw on their lit­tle hands and toes.”

Some Dead­heads have expressed dis­dain for the idea.  “I think Jerry Gar­cia would roll over in his grave if he ever saw walk­ing orange teddy bear in ripped tie-dye t-shirt march­ing across the linoleum with a decay­ing veg­gie bur­rito while it played bas­tardized ver­sions of his songs,” said Sky­lark Sun­shine, 57, a real­tor and tarot con­sul­tant in Tus­con, Arizona.

Other fans, seem to be okay with it.  “You know, Tele­tub­bies really creeped me out and they sold well and small chil­dren really seemed to be engaged with them,” said Mindy Mohan, 42, Edi­tor of Toy Chest, an indus­try that reviews and rates edu­ca­tional toys and mater­nity bras.  “How dif­fer­ent are Tele­tub­bies from zom­bie Care Bears?”

Hol­i­day sales will be the true indi­ca­tor of whether Rhino and Ken­ner are onto a hit.  Mean­while, Atkin­son Film-Art of Canada is already pro­duc­ing the toy’s first ani­mated spe­cial for tele­vi­sion, No Place to to Run from the Walk­ing Grate­ful Dead on the Fes­ti­val Cir­cuit.

Administrative Assistant Accidentally Files Emaciated Boss

 Humor, Jobs, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Work  No Responses »
Jul 172012
 

Tammy Hol­comb, 24, an admin­is­tra­tive assis­tant at Beauty Spot Enter­prises, called 911 after she real­ized that she had acci­den­tally filed her boss, Ali­son Turk, 32, while she was fil­ing paperwork.

Turk had recently been on an “Lick Her?  I Hardly Know Her Diet!” where fol­low­ers eat noth­ing but the calo­ries they con­sume from lick­ing envelopes.  Over the course of a two weeks, Turk had man­aged to lose the equiv­a­lent weight of a Chris­t­ian Children’s Fund poster child.

““Since she was eat­ing so lit­tle, Ali­son was very tired,” Hol­comb said.  “She’d often pass out wher­ever she was at the office, and because she had become so thin, I once almost sent her with our daily sales report, via Fed Ex, to to head office in Poughkeepsie.”

Turk said that she had just fin­ished fil­ing her monthly sales expense reports for her sales rep­re­sen­ta­tives when she noticed that Turk was miss­ing.  “I fig­ured that she must have passed out on my stack of expense reports while I was alpha­bet­iz­ing them, and then I just filed her away.”

Con­cerned that Turk would asphyx­i­ate before Hol­comb pulled all of the files she had worked with today, author­i­ties requested vol­un­teers from the Tippy-Tappy Tem­po­raries, who were able to find Turk under the “K’s.”  She is cur­rently under obser­va­tion at the local hos­pi­tal, but seems to have suf­fered only injuries from a two-hole punch to the head.

When asked what prompted Turk to under­take such an extreme diet, Hol­comb con­fessed that her boss was prepar­ing to audi­tion for the real­ity TV show The Bach­e­lor with Flat Stan­ley.  “As a result of Flat Stanley’s own two-dimensional con­di­tion, he is only inter­ested in really skinny girls, and Ali­son felt like her bio­log­i­cal alarm clock was going off and the only other avail­able men were either too crazy to repro­duce or gay.  Per­son­ally, I would have set­tled on being a chunky les­bian or old maid, but that’s just me.”

Senator Scuttlebutt Proposes Bill to Keep Canadians Out of the Great State of Georgia

 Canada, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Jul 102012
 

State Sen­a­tor Boyd Scut­tle­butt of Kissim­i­coochee, Geor­gia, plans to pro­pose a bill that would pre­vent Cana­dian cit­i­zens from enter­ing the Peach State.

““I recently met a charm­ing fam­ily at a Stuckey’s when I stopped to use the facil­i­ties and buy a pecan log on my drive back from Atlanta,” Sen­a­tor Scut­tle­butt said.  “They were the pic­ture of the Amer­i­can dream, and then the father asked me, ‘Where can you go to get a brew, ay?’  And I said, ‘Son, this here is a dry county.  If you were from around these parts, you’d know that.’  And he said, We’re Cana­di­ans, actu­ally.’  A shiver went down my spine, because Canada is in the For­bid­den Zone, above the Mason-Dixon Line.  I felt dizzy and reached out to steady myself and knocked one of those birds that dips its beak in a glass of water off a shelf.”

Sen­a­tor Scut­tle­butt believes that Cana­di­ans have infil­trated Geor­gia to turn it into a Canukian State.  “Next thing you know, you’re salut­ing a beaver and singing ‘God Save the Queen,” Sen­a­tor Scut­tle­butt said.  “And they don’t like guns, and you know there’s noth­ing more unAmer­i­can than that!”

Ms. Aggie Ver­non, owner of the Greasy Spork, reported that the Cana­dian fam­ily did come into her diner.  “They had the nerve to order poutine–in front of their chil­dren, even,” Ver­non said.  “I said, ‘I am sorry, mis­ter, but you’ve obvi­ously mis­taken my restau­rant for a Viet­namese brothel.’  He acted all apolo­getic and tried to get me to believe he wanted french fries with brown gravy–and get this–cheese curds!  Who­ever heard of some­thing so gross?  I sug­gested he order off the menu, specif­i­cally the friend green tomato smoothie.”

““I’ll tell you what scares me most about those Cana­di­ans,” Sen­a­tor Scut­tle­butt said.  “They look just like Amer­i­cans, but they’re not.  They can sneak up on you just like them gays–or pod peo­ple!  So if you don’t want you kids grow­ing up and call­ing the let­ter ‘Z’ zed, which is of the devil, then you need to vote for my ‘No Canuck Left Behind’ bill.  Even now, I feel the shadow of social­ized med­i­cine creep­ing up on me.”

Bi-Polar Dairy Queen Worker Believes She Is Katie Holmes

 Celebrities, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Pop Culture, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  2 Responses »
Jul 032012
 

Becky Polp, 23, a Dairy Queen employee in Kissim­i­coochee, Geor­gia, has suf­fered from a psy­chopatho­log­i­cal break­down where she now believes she is actress Katie Holmes. which doc­tors believe may have resulted from her bi-polar disorder.

Polyp, who has won a Gold Medal in the Dairy Queen Olympics for the past five years for her prowess with soft serve ice cream, was rushed to the hos­pi­tal late Mon­day night when she informed her mother that she had to hide Suri or the Sci­en­tol­o­gists were going to get her.  Polyp then pro­ceeded to swal­low her iPhone 4S.

““It was so dis­turb­ing,” Polyp’s mother, Pat, con­fessed.  “She kept talk­ing to her belly like it was her child, and then Siri–you know, that lit­tle assis­tant built into the iPhone–it would talk back to her.  I guess it’s a good thing, because we got lost on the way to the new hos­pi­tal, and Siri gave us directions.”

Doc­tors suc­cess­fully removed the iPhone from Polyp, but she is cur­rently con­fined to a pri­vate room until her delu­sions of grandeur have passed.

““She’s still kind of out of it,” her mother said.  “She just keeps say­ing the same things over and over again:  ‘Tom is not a homo­sex­ual.  For the last time, I am not Vic­to­ria Beck­ham.  And I never should have done that movie with Queen Lat­i­fah.’  Frankly, I’m wor­ried and we could really use everyone’s prayers.”

Mar­i­anne Snow, Pres­i­dent of the Ladies’ Bible Brigade at the Kissim­i­coochee First Bap­tist Church, will hold a can­dle­light vigil in the Dairy Queen park­ing lot tonight.  “I believe that God put each and every­one of us on this earth for a rea­son,” Snow said.  “And I think that Becky’s gift was mak­ing a holy Dilly Bar.  No one can put a curlicue on a soft serve ice cream dipped in choco­late like she can.  I believe there’s a lit­tle bit of Jesus in the ice cream that Becky has touched, dipped into the Choco­late of Christ, if you will.  And I will not rest until God has dri­ven Katie Holmes and those Sci­en­tol­o­gists out of her lit­tle body and Becky returns to where she belongs, behind the counter of Kissimicoochee’s Dairy Queen.”

Marg­eret Leakey, Kissimicoochee’s sole athe­ist, plans to picket the can­dle­light vigil, as Snow’s hus­band, Dea­con Don, is sup­pos­edly a silent part­ner in For the Eyes of God, Inc. that owns the Dairy Queen.

LGBT Planning Committee Misplaces Gay Pride

 Gay, Humor, Lesbians, LGBT, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays  No Responses »
Jun 192012
 

Kissim­i­coochee LGBT com­mu­nity is in a pickle. It seems that the Gay Pride Com­mit­tee has lost track of when they sched­uled their first gay pride celebration.

The first gay pride cel­e­bra­tion, the Christo­pher Street Lib­er­a­tion Day, took place on June 28, 1970, one year after LGBT peo­ple rioted a police raid on a gay bar in New York City, the Stonewall Inn. Since that time, many gay pride cel­e­bra­tions are sched­uled for the last week­end in June.

The Kissim­i­coochee Gay Pride Com­mit­tee first met at Pinky’s Fierce Flamingo, the town’s sole gay bar, just out­side of town near the High­way 86 exit and Granny’s XXX Gift Shop and Truck Stop, last Sep­tem­ber to begin orga­niz­ing the festivities.

““We had orig­i­nally planned to sched­ule our event in Stonewall Jack­son Park on the Square for Sat­ur­day, June 23,” said Skip Bot­tom, half of the Topp-2-Botttom Realty Team with his part­ner, Tiger Topp. “But when we went to apply for a per­mit, the City informed us that Big Ethel Bap­tist had already booked the park for their annual Gospel Revival & Waf­fle Toss.”

The com­mit­tee con­sid­ered push­ing Pride back a week, but dis­cov­ered that another spe­cial inter­est group had already booked the park for June 30–Miss Loretta Barber’s Dance Stu­dio & Charm School’s Annual Water­melon Bal­let. “How could we pos­si­bly upstage those lit­tle girls?” Bot­tom said. “I mean, Tiger’s niece, Autumn Rose, is going to be one of the seeds that clogs her way out of the pink flesh, danced by the older girls.”

As the com­mit­tee explored other dates on the cal­en­dar, they noted that Kissim­i­coochee is filled with lots of spe­cial inter­est groups that reg­u­larly use the park for events: Coweta County Pig Farmer’s Mud Wrestling Com­pe­ti­tion, the South­ern Geor­gia Bar­ber Association’s Buzz-Off, One-Armed For­mer Gator Park Employ­ees’ Arm Wrestling Con­test, an attempt to get in the Gui­ness Book of Records for Eat­ing the World’s Largest Chicken-Fried Steak, and the car­ni­val to com­mem­o­rate the birth­day of Kissimicoochee’s own Head­less Mir­a­cle Chicken, Chopper.

““Through­out the year, we had a few boozy meet­ings where we decided on sev­eral alter­na­tive dates,” Bot­tom said. “How­ever, at our last meet­ing, we pan­icked when we real­ized that we didn’t write any of those dates down, until some­one found a cock­tail nap­kin in a stained file folder. It seems that we had decided on April 21, which had already past, and Decem­ber 29, which won’t work because it will be too cold to take your shirt off in the park–and you can’t cel­e­brate gay pride with a shirt on, even the ladies agree on that.”

Mar­i­anne Snow, Pres­i­dent of the Kissim­i­coochee Bap­tist Church’s Women’s Bible Brigade, has stated that she will per­son­ally use black elec­tri­cal to cover any­one who tries to put their nip­ples to the wind. “I know that these gay pride parades always attract top­less dykes on bikes, and I don’t think that’s appro­pri­ate for the chil­dren of our town to see,” Snow said. “Nip­ples should either be in a bra or a baby’s mouth–period.”

Bette “Butch” Bow­man, Kissimicoochee’s only les­bian, stated at a press con­fer­ence held in the liv­ing room of her trailer that she will not lead the gay pride parade, top­less, on her rid­ing lawn­mower, and since Snow had recently vis­ited her in the hos­pi­tal after her dou­ble mas­tec­tomy, she should know bet­ter than make such “crazy-ass statements.”

After an emer­gency meet­ing Fri­day night, the Kissim­i­coochee Gay Pride Com­mit­tee has accepted an offer from Eddie’s Dunk & Funk, a com­bi­na­tion gourmet dough­nut and used record store, to hold Gay Pride in the back park­ing lot. “Since there are only about eight LGBT peo­ple in town, we real­ized that there was no rea­son to book the whole park for our­selves,” Bot­tom said. “And we agreed that it was impor­tant to us to have our gay pride on Sat­ur­day, June 28, no mat­ter where it is Kissimicoochee.”

Bot­tom would like to remind Kissim­i­coochee that straight peo­ple are wel­come at Gay Pride, but glow sticks are mandatory.

Matchmaker Believes Love Stinks ... And It's a Beautiful Thing

 Humor, Men's Interest, News of the Weird, Parody, Relationships, Self-Help, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Jun 122012
 

Mar­jorie Dodd, 49, a pro­fes­sional match­maker, used to believe that peo­ple who stink were bad for busi­ness, because it’s hard to make beau­ti­ful music together when one person’s body odor tends to over­power the other person’s stench thresh­old.  Still, she felt a respon­si­bil­ity to help these clients who came to her.  “I believe we all deserve love and respect, no mat­ter if we smell like a gar­den of earthly delight, or a pig sty,” Dodd said.  “But I didn’t know what to do with these peo­ple until a young lady by the name of Wendy Wan­na­maker came into my office.”

Wan­na­maker is a bub­bly sur­gi­cal nurse who hides noth­ing behind her sur­gi­cal mass, lit­er­ally.  “I was born with­out a nose,” Wan­na­maker said.  “As a kid, it was frus­trat­ing when rel­a­tives would give me scratch-and-sniff stick­ers, how­ever, I’ve never suf­fered from a run­ning nose due to a cold or aller­gies, either.”  Still, the lack of a nose  tends to be off-putting to poten­tial boyfriends and makes wear­ing glasses difficult.

““From behind Wendy is a just a knock­out with her flip hairdo and curves, but most peo­ple typ­i­cally focus their atten­tion on the cen­ter of someone’s face when they con­verse with them.  I con­sid­ered just draw­ing a nose on Wendy with a Sharpie, how­ever, that seemed dis­re­spect­ful.  I knew there had to be some­one who would find Wendy’s lack of a nos­trils to be a beau­ti­ful thing–and that’s when I remem­bered Bobby Zima.”

Zima, 32, a CPA, suf­fers from hyper­hidro­sism, a con­di­tion whereby peo­ple sweat too much.  Per­spi­ra­tion doesn’t smell; it’s the bac­te­ria that feeds on sweat and excretes waste on our skin, espe­cially apoc­rine sweat pro­duced under the arms, around the groin, and on the hands.  “I couldn’t take enough show­ers to man­age my body odor, so I gave up on the idea of ever hav­ing a girlfriend–even a really sweaty one.  Mar­jorie set me up with a girl who worked in a sweat­shop and she even said that I was too sweaty for her.”

When Dodd intro­duced Wendy and Bobby, it was love at first sight.  “I like guys who are kind of juicy,” Wan­na­maker confessed.

Since Zima’s hyper­hidro­sism thwarted his expe­ri­ence as a lover, even lit­tle things, like kiss­ing, were awk­ward.  “It seemed like when­ever I leaned in for a kiss with a girl, our noses always bumped together–but not with Wendy.”

Pleased with their match, Wan­na­maker and Zima told all of their friends, and soon Dodd’s phone began to con­stantly ring with other olfac­tory– and body odor-challenged singles.

Pete Ware, 37, lost his abil­ity to detect scents when he was in an explo­sion in a smelling salts fac­tory where he worked.  Dodd intro­duced him to Tina Ingram, 31, a twist-tie artist, who believes she is the rein­car­na­tion of the Wicked Witch of the West from the The Won­der­ful Wiz­ard of Oz and thinks that if she bathes, she will melt.  “I knew I must smell bad when I woke up and found my cats had dragged me to the their lit­ter box and were try­ing to cover me up by kick­ing lit­ter over me,” said Ingram, who cov­ers her­self with green body paint, daily.  “My mother told me that I needed to change, but Oprah Win­frey always said on her tele­vi­sion show that I should be patient and wait for some­one to love me just as I am.”

Ware was wary, espe­cially after a painful breakup with an aro­mather­a­pist he dated for six months, but Ingram stole his heart imme­di­ately.  “Just as soon as I saw her in that witch’s hat, cov­ered in sweat, I knew this green girl was the one for me.”

The cou­ple had a quickie wed­ding and served a cheese­cake made with Limburger .

And Dodd couldn’t be more pleased.  For her the sweet smell of suc­ces doesn’t come from the money, but from help­ing the smelly and unscented find each other … and love.  “I adore a happy end­ing,  There’s noth­ing more sat­is­fy­ing than that.”

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