Some people collect stamps, others collect commemorative thimbles, and Phil Moss collects bags of chips. But don’t refer to it as an unusual hobby, because, to Moss, a 54-year-old landscaper from St. Louis, Missouri, it’s a matter of life and death.
“The joggers and New Age junkies are going to kill us!” Moss believes that as more people engage in cardio exercise, they’re breathing more than their fair share of air. Furthermore, meditation has grown in popularity, resulting in more people sitting cross-legged on floors everywhere and inhaling big bucketfuls of oxygen.
“The flowers just can’t keep up,” Moss said. “Take a look around you and see how the daisies are panting to keep up with carbon dioxide production. They just can’t do it!”
Another threat is the sexual revolution. As more and more people engage in more frequent sexual activity, their breathe more rapidly and use more air. “It’s not enough that their producing more little mouths that need more air, but as they get off, they’re going to breath more of my air!” Moss believes that we should remember that sex is for procreation–not recreation–and if one must engage in sexual intercourse, inhale a bit of your partner’s oxygen while kissing.
When asked about Moss’ theory, Pamela Clifford of the Clean Air Institute said, “He’s just full of a lot of hot air.”
So, what does all this have to do with collecting bags of chips, which Moss stores in an underground bunker behind his home? “I’m saving air for when all these selfish people use up all of the air. Those joggers won’t have enough air to run to me and cry, nor will those meditators have any oxygen left to drag their cross-legged asses to my house and beg for oxygen. I’m just going to open up a bag of Doritos, inhale, and laugh in their suffocating faces.” Moss pauses a moment. “Well, I probably won’t laugh, because that’s just wasting oxygen.” And Moss adds another group to his list.