Example: When Margie’s husband and children were diagnosed with hairballs in spite of her efforts to vacuum daily, she became furlorn every time she saw their cat, Mr. Mittens.
Can you use furlorn in a sentence?
The last words Leroy Tucker, 17, said to anyone before his bowling ball juggling accident, were, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” A few seconds later, a 14-pound, Brunswick Slingshot with custom right-handed drilling fell on his head and knocked him cold. When he woke up twenty minutes later, Tucker told friends his named was Mavis Gould, a fifty-seven-year-old sample lady at Costco, who specializes in jalapeño poppers.
““It was such a shock,” said his mama, Earlene Tucker, 41, a stay-at-home mom. “I mean, Leroy was a typical teenage boy, always thinking of himself and never shown a lick of interest in gracious living.”
Doctors say this new personality is due to his head injury, and have encouraged Tucker’s family to humor him until it passes.
““Leroy’s daddy is just beside himself,” said Earlene. “He took Leroy fishing with his buddies and Leroy kept asking them if they’d like to taste his chipotle-raspberry dipping sauce. It was very awkward for everyone in the pontoon boat.”
To pay for Tucker’s escalating medical expenses, Earlene bought him a tuxedo and has begun renting him out to serve at parties. “We just got tired of Leroy constantly trying to serve us at home every cotton-pickin’ minute of the day and we have bills to pay, so why not kill two birds with one stone? Besides, it seems to make Leroy–I mean, Mavis–happy.”
Example: When Maxine entered the beauty shop to apply for a job and a tumbleweave rolled over her shoe, she knew her work was cut out for her, so she picked up the hair extension and showed the staff how to secure it to the customer’s natural hair.
Can you use tumbleweave in a sentence?
Beyonce’s genuine faux baby bump sold on eBay for $1,379.13 last week. However, when the winning bidder, Jo Jo Stallone, 31, a hairdresser/mechanic at Mabel’s Beauty Shop & Pit Stop in Kissimimcoochee, Georgia, received his package, he found a New Kids on the Block throw pillow, featuring Danny Wood, one of the quieter members of the group.
“I was shocked and outraged,” Stallone said, slicing his shears through the air for dramatic emphasis. “When I bought Beyonce’s genuine faux baby bump, I expected to receive the real thing–not a blatant fake! B. is a style goddess. You cannot tell me she had a NKTOTB pillow stuffed up her silk blouses for nine months, and even if she did, it would be Ms. Jordan Knight, because he was the head bitch in that group.”
With eBay’s help, police were able to trace the package back to the seller, a Ms. Mae Wong Chow, 63, a lunch lady in Walla Walla, Washington. When asked why she misrepresented the sale of her NKOTB throw pillow, Ms. Chow said, “I did so because Danny not sell.” Ms. Chow confessed to bearing the brunt of bullying by children coming through her lunch line as they made fun of her orthopedic shoes. She said she intended to use the money from the sale of the genuine faux Beyonce baby bump to buy some new kicks to blow those douchebags away at Ernestine Crutcher Middle School.
Ms. Chow is currently making restitution to Mr. Stallone by selling her new kicks on eBay.
In the meantime, Mr. Stallone has decided to keep the Danny Wood pillow, as he has experienced a great deal of healing since he propped it up on the other end of his loveseat and started talking to it. “I just feel like I can tell Danny everything and he doesn’t judge me or say anything negative.” Stallone said the pillow has provided more healing than ten years he spent in therapy. “All this time, I thought I hated my mother when it turns out I was just coveting her wardrobe. Who knew!”
I never need to watch television because my co-workers tell me everything I need to know. Why should I spend half an hour watching Real Housewives of Atlanta when Jennifer can give me the synopsis, including fake tears, in under ninety seconds? Still, I was giving some thought to what scenarios might actually tempt me to watch reality T.V.
01. Kissing Babies — Politicians must campaign for reelection by kissing babies from demographics they have blatantly ignored in the past
02. Porn Again — Adult film stars compete against missionaries to win souls for Christ in third world countries–any way they can
03. Lesbian Wife Swap — Straight men trade spouses with lesbian couples only to find the glamour of bisexual porn for heterosexual men doesn’t necessarily translate into real life. Meanwhile, the straight wives enjoy some long, meaningful conversations with their temporary lesbian husbands.
04. Siri Spills the Beans – Sneaky men and women hack their spouses with the help of producers to have Siri falsely accuse their spouses of all sorts of crimes. When the husband is pulled over by a highway patrolman, Siri confesses the body is no longer in the trunk, but buried behind the Stuckey’s two miles down the road.
05. Mr. Mom CEO — Six business executives attempt to run their companies and their households while wearing a special belt that creates the sensations of water retention and cramps. Can he complete the corporate takeover and get Caitlin to ballet on time? Tune in!
06. Grownups Behaving Badly — Children wired with hidden cameras and microphones capture their parents misbehaving while coached by obnoxious stand-up comedians as to what to do and say to provoke their folks to new depths of depravity.
07. Tapping Madge — Ten of the fiercest gay Madonna fans compete against one another to seduce her Royal Madgesty, so they can say they’ve slept with her. (No, I don’t get it, either, but it’s all some gay men talk about. Honestly, wouldn’t you prefer Kylie?)
08. Shop Loco – Services professionals, such as lawyers, mechanics, dentists, etc., get creative when told by customers that Amazon.com now provides the same service to their customers at a steep discount. “Can you do better than 30% on this filling?”
09. Bi-Polar Babysitters — Childcare professionals attempt to wean themselves off of lithium while taking care of the most obnoxious kids in America.
10. Scooby Snack Attack – Pet owners discover how devoted man’s best friend is to them when their dogs are taught they can receive something good to eat if they press a button that releases a treat while simultaneously sending a jolt of electricity to their owner.
Muzak Attack(noun) \myoo-zak uh-tak\ — A panic attack brought about by the realization the Muzak one is humming along to in an elevator or retail is actually a popular song from one’s youth; therefore, one is now old.
Exam¬ple: In the elevator to her office, Carla realized she was humming along with to an instrumenatal of Britney Spear’s “Baby Hit Me One More Time,” which caused a Muzak attack at the realization her favorite song in high school was fifteen years old.
Can you use muzak attack in a sentence?
Ed Dewbaum, 46, a Quality Control Technician at the Mars Plant just outside of Kissimicoochee, Georgia, had threatened to kill himself for years while suffering from chronic procrastination. He died on Sunday evening when he tripped on an untied shoelace and fell down a flight of stairs and broke his neck. The box of donuts and chicken nuggets he was carrying at the time, from Mabel’s Dunk & Cluck, were unharmed.
““Ed never could finish anything,” said his mother, Estelle Dewbaum, 72, a former first grader teacher at Kissimicoochee Elementary School and Clogger for Christ at Kissimicoochee United Methodist Church. “My younger sister, Ethel, she was a hippie in the late sixties. She once told me it was because Ed was an Aries. They’re always good about starting things, but not following through. Ethel said they’re also prone to head injuries, so after recent events, I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something to that stuff.”
““I never saw someone struggle so much to look on the bright side, but he just couldn’t seem to muster up the energy to see things from a different perspective,” said Bob Gleeson, 47, a fellow Quality Control Technician at Mars. “Ed oversaw the machine that prints the M’s on the M&M’s. One day, he said to me, ‘Bob, everyone else in the world sees M’s, but all I see is a hell of a lot of W’s staring back at me.’ I don’t think I had ever really understood his pain before he told me that.”
““Some people call it procrastination, but I just call it lazy,” said Debbie Parks, 37, Dewbaum’s landlady, as she finished off the last box of donuts and chicken tenders he purchased. “I mean, he wrote out all these detailed lists of what he needed to off himself in a hundred different ways, but he was just too lazy to swallow a whole bottle of Tylenol or crawl into the lion’s den at the zoo after hours. If he really wanted to die, he would have made it happen.”
““It seems to me, Ed’s death was the punctuation to a life lived in irony,” said Leroy Diggler, 24, local philosopher and talking nude mime. “Everyone was always telling Ed to tie his shoes before he tripped and hurt himself, yet it was his putting it off, much like his procrastination about suicide, that ultimately gave him what he wanted. That’s why I have decided to honor Ed in a performance piece I’ve entitled ‘Death Wish,’ which I only perform in a pair of Converse high tops and genuine issue mime gloves.”
A memorial service for Dewbaum will be held at the Kissimicoochee Funeral Home as soon as staff are able to reset his head on his body again where it won’t scare people to look at him.
There will be few picnics this Independence Day in rainy Atlanta, but the wet weather won’t keep from reliving fond memories of spending July 4th with family and friends: grilled burgers and hot dogs, potato salad, homemade ice cream, swimming, fireworks, and good conversation. Here are ten of the funniest bits of conversation I’ve heard over my 45 years:
01. “Quit putting those things in your Memaw’s cigarettes that make them explode when she lights up! When her wig catches on fire, you’re going to feel awfully sorry.”
02. “I’d think twice of eating her carrot & raisin salad; she just told me she has a mouse problem.”
03. “Just look at him with that dog. It boggles the mind how that little uppity poodle has such a big ol’ bubba wrapped around her paw.”
04. “Listen to me: there are no sharks in the kiddie pool. Your uncle was just teasing you.”
05. “So we finally took Billy to see a therapist about his vampire obsession. She said it’s normal for a boy his age, but it’s probably best not to let him fix me a bloody mary for the time being.”
06. “You call this burger well-done? The inside is pinker than my toenail polish!”
07. “Daddy, so how many of your cousins couldn’t make it to the family reunion because they’re in the Big House?”
08. “If you were as smart as you think are, mister, you wouldn’t tell me you haven’t had a grape soda today when your tongue is purple. So unless you’ve been licking Barney the Dinosaur, I’d say that was a lie, wouldn’t you?”
09. “I wish you would aim that roman candle at me–and it will be the last thing you ever do.”
10. “Well, there goes Memaw’s little garden windmill up in flames. It burns real pretty, though. Anybody got any marshmallows?”
Example: When his neighbor Joe followed the kids around the driveway and tried to persuade them to let him hold their sparklers, Bob knew he had a stakler to deal with.
Can you use stakler in a sentence?