Top Ten Historical Figures Who Most Likely Would Have Been Beliebers

 Celebrities, History, Humor, Parody, Pop Culture, Pop Music, Top Ten Thursdays  No Responses »
May 232013
 

Belieber IDYou may have heard or read how Cana­dian pop singer Justin Bieber recently vis­ited the Anne Frank House and wrote in the guest book  that he hoped Anne would have been a Belieber.  It got me won­der­ing what other famous names through­out his­tory might have been Justin Bieber fans, so here are the top ten his­tor­i­cal fig­ures who most likely would have been Beliebers:

01. Obvi­ously, Christo­pher Colum­bus would have lined up to get Justin to auto­graph his copy of My World 2.0, thank­ful Bieber took his advice not to name it Amer­i­cus 2.0

02. Cleopa­tra, being just a teenager her­self when she took the throne of Egypt, would have most likely tried to gain an audi­ence with Justin after one of his con­certs, claim­ing to be his “per­sonal deity.”

03. Albert Ein­stein would have been a fan of Justin’s whim­si­cal hair­styles.  After all, Albert did say that imag­i­na­tion is more impor­tant than knowledge.

04. Lucre­cia Bor­gia would have had no prob­lem issu­ing death threats against other celebri­ties who stole an award–say a Grammy–from Justin.  How­ever, if Lucre­cia asks you, after a spir­ited debate over dif­fer­ing opin­ions about Mr. Bieber, to name your poi­son, I sug­gest you don’t.

05.Vlad the Impaler would really know how to take care of the haters, more than likely, impal­ing them on wooden stakes to rethink the the error of their ways.

06. Marie Antoinette would have been power Twit­ter user, and, no doubt, would have led the way to out­smart Twit­ter when they changed their algo­rithm to remove per­sis­tently trend­ing top­ics, like Justin Bieber, by pur­posely mis­spelling his name in their tweets, most famously with, “Can’t wait to kiss my Beaver.”

07. Inuk Nanook of the Arc­tic Cir­cle would have delighted in putting down his har­poon to fol­low Justin from city to city to watch him per­form, feel­ing a cer­tain con­nec­tion with him, because Justin believes he has an unde­ter­mined Cana­dian Abo­rig­i­nal ancestry.

08. Some his­tor­i­cal fig­ures are only happy when they get someone’s goat; Adolf Hitler would have got­ten sat­is­fac­tion in claim­ing Justin’s mon­key for Ger­many, when Bieber failed to pro­vide doc­u­ments, all while per­form­ing Ludacris’ verse-rap from “Baby.”

09. Writer, activist, and fem­i­nist would have enjoyed the sub­ver­sive nature of hid­ing behind the Twit­ter han­dle @HappyHomemaker4eva and antag­o­niz­ing Justin and other Beliebers with DMs, while mem­o­riz­ing the lyrics to all of his songs.

10. As a Belieber, Oscar Wilde could have indulged his infat­u­a­tion for younger men and observed plenty of source mate­r­ial for his witty say­ings, such as, “Youth is wasted on the young.”

Word Up Wednesday: Vacation Poor

 Dictionary, Humor, Parody, Travel, Vacation, Vocabulary, Word Up Wednesdays  No Responses »
May 222013
 

Too Much Camping EquipmentVaca­tion Poor (adjec­tive) \vey-key-shuhn poor\ — When one spends all their sav­ings on acces­sories for one’s trip and has no money left to do anything–or pos­si­bly even eat–on their vacation.

Exam­ple: Bob spent so much at REI on camp­ing equip­ment, he had to dump­ster dive for his entire vaca­tion to Jelly­stone National Park.

Can you use vaca­tion poor in a sentence?

Swimsuit Uses Cellulite and Sweat to Accentuate Your Figure

 Humor, Men's Interest, Parody, Self-Help, Sports, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  2 Responses »
May 212013
 

Black One-Piece SwimsuitThe Slim­Sucker Swim­suit uses a space age, patented LipoLy­cra tech­nol­ogy to use the body’s per­spi­ra­tion sys­tem to suck body fat from the hips and waist and push it up into the breasts, pre­sent­ing a more busty figure.

““The Slim­Sucker is fan­tas­tic,” said Melanie Majors, 36, a para­le­gal, wife, and mother of three. “After the triplets ripped me to shreds dur­ing child­birth, I had a dif­fi­cult time exer­cis­ing, so I had a hard time los­ing that post-pregnancy weight. Thanks to the Slim­Sucker one-piece, I look like a super hero­ine drawn by a horny, thirteen-year-old boy and capa­ble of breast­feed­ing an entire third world nation.”

The Slim­Sucker was designed by Theodore Reichen, 56, a biol­o­gist spe­cial­iz­ing in harm­ful par­a­sites. “I was observ­ing the Tichi Tichi in the Bel­gian Congo, a tiny par­a­site that digs into the flesh of a larger organ­ism and uses a feed­ing tube to suck the life out of another creature.

““A few weeks later while vaca­tion­ing with my fam­ily in Panama City, Florida and see­ing just how many obese Amer­i­cans were on the beach in Speedos and biki­nis, I thought, why couldn’t the sci­ence of the Tichi Tichi be used to design a slim­ming swim­suit for larger folk?”

In addi­tion to the lovely one-piece for women, the Slim­Sucker is also avail­able in trunks for men. The LipoLy­cra tech­nol­ogy has been mod­i­fied to move the fat from the gut and push it down into a spe­cial cod­piece, which inflates the ego as well as his junk.

““The Slim­Sucker trunks are awe­some,” say Kenny Ortega, 27, part-time playa and owner of Between the Bunz. “It’s not only changed my physique, it’s changed my life. I can­not even walk down the beach with­out some babe giv­ing me her dig­its. It’s also brought a lot of atten­tion to my hot dog stand, too, and busi­ness is booming.”

The Slim­Sucker retails for $59.95 and comes in four retro 70s col­ors: black, gold, avo­cado, and bone white.

Top Ten Tips to Have a Seat to Yourself on the Train

 Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Top Ten Thursdays, Transportation  1 Response »
May 162013
 

Inebriated Kim Wilde Singing on a TrainAfter a long day at work, the last thing you want is to ride a cramped, crowded train home. You can, how­ever, make a lit­tle more breath­ing room for your­self by fol­low­ing these ten tips to have a seat to your­self on the train:

01. Throw your head back and cackle for no reason.

02. If some­one sits down beside you, burst into tears and tell them they sat on teeny tiny Lady Hoboken.

03. Bor­row your friend’s boa con­scric­tor and per­form a dance with it while sit­ting down.

04. Keep cross­ing your legs and say, “I don’t know if I can hold it much longer.”

05. Ask the per­son who sits next to you if they would mind if you per­formed a Black Mass.

06. Whine to your neigh­bor about the injus­tice of being unable to legally marry your goat since you have a such a great rela­tion­ship, not men­tion that the sex is totally worth him eat­ing your night­gown off your body.

07. Ask your fel­low pas­sen­ger if she would like to meet. Mr. Happy, the hedge­hog who lives in your rectum.

08. Throw your leg over your head and begin giv­ing your­self a tongue bath.

09. Stick your hand, palm-down, on the seat next you to you and tell peo­ple, “Sorry, super glue accident.”

10. Turn to your neigh­bor and ask, “Do you love singing show­tunes as much as I do?”

Word Up Wednesday: Wonder Brawn

 Dictionary, Humor, Parody, Sports, Vocabulary, Women's Interest, Word Up Wednesdays  No Responses »
May 152013
 

Wonder BraWon­der Brawn (noun) \wuhn-der brawn\ — The feel­ing of strenth and power that comes from don­ning a sports bra.

Exam­ple: After slip­ping on her sports bra, Becky often felt like kick­ing her husband’s ass; how­ever, she chalked it up to won­der brawn and made him din­ner instead.

Can you use won­der brawn in a sentence?

 Posted by at 7:00 am

File Clerk with Fear of Paper Settles Out of Court with Employer

 Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Work  No Responses »
May 142013
 

Man Scared of Falling PaperKevin Culpep­per, 28, a file clerk for the Law Offices of Ditto, Ditto & Ditto, filed a law­suit against his employer, stat­ing he was unable to work as he suf­fers from papy­ro­pho­bia, a fear of paper.

““When­ever I would pick up stacks of doc­u­ments to file, I became dizzy, expe­ri­enced short­ness of breath, and heart pal­pi­ta­tions,” said Culpep­per.  “I know it sounds silly, but I kept hav­ing visions of trip­ping and toss­ing the stack in the air, then watch­ing in hor­ror from the ground as hun­dreds of pieces of paper fell down upon me and slice my body to shreds.”

When Cuplep­per spoke to George W. Ditto, Sr., about his con­di­tion, he was told he might be bet­ter off find­ing a new career, but Cuplep­per claimed his spent his entire inher­i­tance from his father’s steam­roller acci­dent on tuition to Ms. Rhoda’s Office Worker School.  (He grad­u­ated with a diploma in filing.)

““Besides that, I’m a hemo­phil­iac,” Cuplpep­per said, “and one I start bleed­ing, I’m like Old Faith­ful; I just keep gush­ing until I pass out.”

Upon hear­ing of his med­ical con­di­tion, Ditto made an offer to set­tle out of court.  In addi­tion, Ditto, Ditto & Ditto have offered to replace their paper files with elec­tronic copies.

““Kevin has been pro­moted to our PDF file clerk, and he will file these dig­i­tal copies into elec­tronic files, mak­ing his fear of paper cuts a moot point.

Cuplpep­per seemed pleased with the out­come.  “I’m touched that Ditto, Ditto & Ditto has offered to work with me instead of putting me out of work.”  He joked, “Unfor­tu­nately, I also have an irra­tional fear of the return key on com­puter keyboards.”

Ditto, Ditto & Ditto did not respond to his joke.  Evi­dently, they didn’t find it very funny.

Man Has Alien and Anal Probe Surgically Removed from His Anus

 Aliens, Animals, Humor, News of the Weird, Parody, So So Southern, Tall Tale Tuesdays  1 Response »
May 072013
 

Truck DriverLeroy Burns, 43, a deliv­ery dri­ver for the Wishy Wash­ing Laun­dry Ser­vice, was found run­ning naked through the Hole-in-One Donut Shop/Minature Golf Course early Sun­day morning.

Local police took Burns to the emer­gency room at Kissim­i­coochee Gen­eral Hos­pi­tal after he com­plained of dis­com­fort of the bowels.

Doc­tors removed a large pickle and the car­cass of an uniden­ti­fied crea­ture with large eyes from Burns’ anus.

Burns claimed he was abducted by a U.F.O. while fish­ing in his pon­toon boat on Lake Yukatuka.  “They stripped me naked as a jay­bird and strapped me down to an exam­in­ing table where this lit­tle bald, gray guy messed with my where-the-sun-don’t-shine regions with one of them anal probes,” he said.

Burns, who suf­fers from a con­di­tion known as spon­ta­neous reverse flat­u­lence, said he suf­fered an attack dur­ing the exam­i­na­tion and the alien and anal probe were sucked into his rec­tal cav­ity where they remained until the fly­ing saucer ran out of gas and crashed in the lake.

Although Burns claimed the con­tents of his anus prove the exis­tence of extrater­res­trial life, local author­i­ties claim the alien (after being cleaned up) bears a remark­able resem­blance to Ms. Net­tie B. Perkins’ prize Chi­huahua, Chi­clet, who dis­ap­peared last week.

When asked about the anal probe, Sher­iff Hux­ley said it appeared to be sweet gherkin, but he was not curi­ous enough to take a bite and con­firm it.  He said Burns will be held at the county jail until police have com­pleted their investigation.

Top Ten Clues Gerbils Are Living in Your Purse

 Animals, Humor, Parody, Pets, Top Ten Thursdays  1 Response »
May 022013
 

GerbilThe more we encroach on the ani­mal king­dom, the closer we drive them into our lives. Reports of coy­otes and rac­coons liv­ing in sub­ur­ban neigh­bor­hoods have become the norm. Still, sto­ries have begun to cir­cu­late about ani­mals get­ting even closer. Here are ten clues you might have ger­bils liv­ing in your purse:

01. You find cedar shav­ings at the bot­tom of your bag.

02. You reach in to find a pen and grab a tail.

03. You notice teeth marks in your lipstick.

04. You also see tiny lip­stick blots on a used tissue.

05. You some­times hear Barry White singing, fol­lowed by loud squeaks, and the sight of cig­a­rette smoke waft­ing from your bag.

06. You come across half-eaten seeds in your coin purse.

07. You notice skid­marks from a ham­ster ball on the inside bot­tom of your bag.

08. Your friends keep com­plain­ing about you butt-dialing them with your mobile phone and squeak­ing into their ears.

09. You dis­cover an issue of Play Ger­bil with a tiny cen­ter­fold hid­den in the side pocket of your purse.

10. You come across an auto­graphed head­shot of Richard Gere with the inscrip­tion: “I’ll never for­get that crazy night in the emer­gency room … Good times!”

Word Up Wednesday: Sinsationa

 Dictionary, Humor, Parody, Vocabulary, Word Up Wednesdays  2 Responses »
May 012013
 

Buff Guy in Body Paint and Shoulder PadsSin­sa­tional (adjec­tive) \sin-sey-shuh-nl\ — pro­duc­ing an extra­or­di­nar­ily good reac­tion because one knows it’s con­sid­ered slightly improper or suggestive.

Exam­ple: Although Bobby was only in the eighth grade, in his mind, noth­ing beat the sin­sa­tional feel­ing or wear­ing a red thong under his white lin­nen pants to school.

Can you use sin­sa­tional in a sentence?

Pancake Schnitzel Cooking Class Provides Stress Relief for Vegetarian Moms

 Food, Humor, Parody, Self-Help, Tall Tale Tuesdays, Women's Interest  No Responses »
Apr 302013
 

Woman with Giant PancakeWhen Jane Argo, a dieti­cian and foodie, 38, for­merly felt over­whelmed by the ups and downs of life, she used to go straight to com­fort food for relief. How­ever, after gain­ing 30 lbs. after her daugh­ter was born, Argo decided to comit to lifestyle changes that would improve her health, even­tu­ally becom­ing a vegetarian.

Argo’s hus­band, Ted, 43, a police offi­cer, used to kid her that after becom­ing a veg­e­tar­ian, she became an angrier per­son, as she was no longer able to seek out her favorite com­fort foods, because they were made with ani­mal products.

““One day I was just at wit’s end after a dif­fi­cult day and I craved my grandmother’s wiener schnitzel,” Argo said. “I was so frus­trated I just wanted to hit some­thing, and that’s when I saw the left­over pan­cakes from breakfast.”

Tak­ing ten­der­izer ham­mer to the pan­cakes, Argo pro­ceeded to pound the hell out of the pan­cakes until they were the size of man­hole cov­ers. She then breaded them and deep-fried them in canola oil and served them for din­ner, smoth­ered in maple syrup.

““The fam­ily loved them. Ted said the taste reminded him of fried chicken and waf­fles,” Argo said. “I also noticed that all the stress and frus­tra­tion of the day.”

She chris­tened her new recipe a Pfannkuchen­itzel, a mash-up of tra­di­tional the tra­di­tional Ger­man pan­cake and a schnitzel, a bone­less piece of meat ten­der­ized by pound­ing flat.

When­ever she grew agi­tated, Argo con­tin­ued to make her new dish, and other veg­e­tar­ian moth­ers noticed and asked her secret. That’s when she first had the idea to offer a cook­ing class, The Zen of Pfannkuchenitzel.

Before long veg­e­tar­i­ans were mak­ing the pil­grim­age to Argo’s house to beat the hell out of their frus­tra­tions on pan­cakes and deep-fry them for lunch.

““I used to scald my husband’s din­ner when he pissed me off and he com­plained about hav­ing to eat my hate for din­ner,” said Mar­got Ellen­berger, 51, a house­wife and veg­e­tar­ian. “Now he’s con­stantly think­ing up ways to pull my chain, just so he can have Pfannkuchen­itzel for dinner.”

Although it may seem every­one loves Pfannkuchen­itzel, Ed Tan­ner, 64, the owner of an Inter­na­tional House of Pan­cakes in town is not a fan. “That lit­tle veg­e­tar­ian gal has hurt my busi­ness by almost 35% and I’m IHOP­ing mad!”

Argo, in an act of con­tri­tion, has offered to treat Tan­ner to a free class. “I’m sav­ing a ham­mer for Ed,” said Argo. “He’s always wel­come to come over and beat the crap out of pan­cake at my house.”

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